Need other opinions on oh

[Cclmsc]

Bit of back story
Had dd 2006 then suffered with secondary infertility for 8 years. I then went on clomid and fell straight away, gave birth to second dd when eldest was 10. She was very much wanted due to the issues and we were very happy despite the large age gap. It did hit me hard a bit going from a 10 year old to a newborn but what hit me harder is how oh just left me to it. I did everything. When dd2 was 5 months old I found out that I was pregnant again (naturally and ahuge huge shock due to The fertility issues i had)
Ds was born and there’s a 13 month age gap.
Today dd1 is 12 , dd2 is 2 and ds is 1.

To say it’s been hard is an under statement but I literally do everything. Oh has never done a bath time , never done bedtime , never does mornings.
He has a really good job and provides really well for us but he is a member of a golf club where he goes whenever he’s not at work and then he plays for a football team every sat often staying for a drink afterwards.
Lately I feel pushed to my limit , we haven’t had a date night in ages , inspend almost every waking moment with the kids and am ashamed to say I do feel a bit trapped at times. I feel guilty because these babies was very much wanted after my heartbreaking ttc journey.

I just feel like he lives his life and I’m just here stuck.

Yesterday I phoned him after football to see what he was doing and he was being all sheepish and I just knew he was planning on staying out and having a drink so I just put the phone down and text him this.

‘I didn’t mean to start but I’m so pissed off that I can never do anything without being limited. You have hardly been home. I know you have been working aswell and prob want a break but when’s mine
?
. Most of the time it’s just me and the kids and you get to go golf , football , whatever else and then decide to stay for a drink without even thinking. The reason You didn’t ring me is because you are staying out. I just don’t think it’s fair’

He read it and just completely ignored it.
I feel like I’m totally taken for granted.

Then I had a text at 12 saying he lost his bank card and can I cancel it on the app. I ignored it and then text me at 4am saying his staying at my brothers house seeing as though i don’t give a fuck ?!

I ignored that too.

He does take oldest dd to school every day and occasionally clean the house and he make beds every morning when he can. He does make things easier on the house keeping side of things.

I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry it was a bit long

I think he is an arsehole. My DH works long hours. We have three kids. Last night DH stayed up with DS2 so I could get some sleep as I was shattered having been up with him previously.

The only thing DH won't do is change DDs poos because he's scared of automatically wiping her like DSs and causing an infection. Other than that he does as much as me, despite working.

Your partner is being ridiculous. Why do some men think women should give up everything when they become mothers yet they can carry on living their lives without any interruption? He chose to have kids, he needs to start acting like a parent and not a child.

He needs to realise that he has kids. My Dh always did bedtime and we both do housework, I do dinners but he tidied up afterwards.
Do you have some friends or hobbies? We have a calendar and whoever puts that they are going out on it first goes.

I must admit I’ve got into a bit of a rut. I never arrange anything for myself to do.
And don’t get me wrong if I asked him to have them while I did something he always would. I think maybe I’m turning into a bit of a martyr.
When we have date nights usually once a month (when babysitter is avalible) he takes me to a nice hotel and a nice meal etc. But he gets to do this aswell as all the other stuff he does. Where’s I only do that child free.
I do need to start arranging stuff with some friends. Even just a meal out or something.

That's really shit. Do you get any time for yourself whatsoever? Do you work?

No gave up work when the youngest was born.
I do do stuff with friends and family etc. I’m not just stuck in the house but my problem is that I’m always with the kids. I just feel a bit like a single parent at times.
Dd2 goes to nursery now for a few hours and week and I’m going to start ds when he is 2 with her then going to look for a job and get some independence back.

Don’t feel guilty for feeling s bit trapped by the little kids. They’re very young and you have two very small ones to deal with - no mean feat, and one child that age can be exhausting enough.

I think you need to have a talk with him about why he is choosing to absent himself as you describe. It isn’t him not helping round the house enough, it’s him choosing not to be there at all if he can help it. The fact that he decided not to come home and stay elsewhere points to this You need to know why he has decided to check out of family life.

He might be working hard etc etc but you are too, and I bet your little kids don’t sleep soundly through the night and it’s always you who gets up to them whilst he snores off his night at the golf club.

Don’t let him fob you off with anything that involves it being your fault in any way. He is choosing to do what he’s doing, you are not making him do it so tell him to piss off if he tries to blame you.

He's living the dream.

You're living the nightmare.

Trouble is, you've allowed this to go on for so long that it's now the normal. I don't rate your chances at making changes this far down the line. Your choices are either to stay and put up with it, or walk away

Have you posted about him before? Him calling you into town to meet him after the pub then not showing up?

Either way, it's very clear he doesn't respect you, doesn't care about you, and isn't interested in anything you have to say. I think you know that, but maybe don't want to believe or accept it.

It's no way to live.

You need a hobby OP, something that gets you out of the house. A gym class? Yoga class? You need to take control.

Arrange a weekly thing to go to just you. Just leave for it. Dont organise the children for oh, leave him to it. Anything: coffee shop with friends, coffee shop alone with a book, art class, dance class, anything.

Are you married?

I'd get a mother's help/au pair in , a few times a week.

that'll give you Time for you to do your stuff

DH can afford it and he obviously doesn't want to help you deal with your feelings

I'd take charge of those feelings yourself and get the (paid) help you need

And don’t get me wrong if I asked him to have them while I did something he always would then do that? I don't understand that part of your issue it's not that he refuses to do it?

I do understand frustration at his lack of thought though, choosing to drink all the time instead of going home to spend time with you and the kids is a dick move. Have you calmly told him (face to face) that it bothers you? Or asked him to come home after work/football or whatever?

He is being a dick and I can’t believe what an awesome life he has. I work almost full time and usually have to work in the evenings as well as in the day to keep on top everything. This in no bloody way gives me a free pass to just do whatever I want at the weekends. You have expressed your feelings about the situation and he simply buggers off. You can see you need to take control.
Next weekend book a massage. Don’t ask just tell him it’s happening and leave for the whole day. This whole ‘he takes care of us’ no you both do equally important roles it’s just one is paid and the other isn’t. You are a team and he should see it like that. Maybe some counseling for you to understand why your allowing your partner to behave so badly.

Why does it matter if they are married?

I fucking hate dads/partners like this. When you have a family, you have to change your life. People who don’t and instead take advantage of a partner are just utter cunts.

I’m a dad of 2. I go to work, normally after helping in the mornings and being involved in school/nursery drop offs etc, walking the dog. I make my wife breakfast most days as a bare minimum. I come straight home from work to work with my wife in the evenings in doing the night time routine. Then by the time we’ve sorted the place out, walked the dog etc it’s bedtime. Weekends are spent doing eternal housework as the children make mess all around us and we go on outings together.

I do nothing that I used to do. I don’t really drink, don’t play football anymore, don’t go to football, don’t play golf, nothing. But it’s just what our life requires.

This sounds a bit martyish but I swear it is not. I grudge none of it. I had a family with the full intention of looking after them and giving them a happy life.

I don’t even feel jealousy for these guys who continue their life as before. It’s contempt. How can they not feel utter shame at the way they continue to live?

lemonface because she is a SAHM