To think that people who can't handle their drink will never change?

[BuddhaLove]

Been out for a few drinks this evening with some friends, all couples. A meal and then just a couple of bars nothing too heavy.
My partner is usually the perfect boyfriend. I aren't just saying it for the sake of this thread but in reality, we never ever argue, we laugh all the time and just seem to work very well together. We are very much in love and never clash with opinions, both have the same dreams in life etc, hugely attracted to one another and I couldn't ever imagine myself with anyone else. He is everything I want in a man.
He is known (when drunk) to go a bit on the turn, can get a bit boisterous, say a few snide comments or nasty remarks, a little bit too honest at times etc. I usually struggle with this a little as I'm a very happy and fun drunk and if he does go a bit the other way then I will just retreat into myself in order to avoid an argument.
Earlier while we were out it came about that one of the couples were taking cocaine, I was a bit annoyed as it was meant to just be a little get together and nothing full on. (I don't take drugs as have had a history of substance misuse back in my early 20's so now it's a complete no go for me). As the night went on I got more and more tired and was feeling very happy and sleepy and ready to go home. This is when my partner started to snip at me saying maybe I just needed a little pick me up, maybe I should try and be more fun and a little more a part of the party. Why don't I just have a little line of coke and see how I feel and it's only this one time so it's no harm done.
I told him under no circumstances absolutely NO. It just isn't happening I don't want to take drugs and I definitely now want to go home. He gets the huff with me saying that I'm just boring and getting old and then announced to all of the people we were out with, "we're gonna have to go home cause SHE is being a boring bastard" to which everyone laughed.
Cue a very frosty taxi ride home and a very anxious me wondering what's going to be said when I actually get in the house.
He goes and makes himself a drink and sits like lord of the manor in the chair in the corner of the living room telling me that everything in life is all about me and what I want to do. That we should have stayed out and had some coke and then maybe we would have had a better night.
He's now snoring like fuck on the sofa so I've come to bed.
The thing is tomorrow when I tell him what he's been like he will be mortified and I know he will. He doesn't even take drugs himself so absolutely fuck knows what his game is tonight. He will not be able to recall embarrassing me in front of our friends and he will most likely be sorry. He will spend the day making it up to me and then everything will go back to normal and we will be perfectly fine until the next time alcohol comes in. This happens regularly, not always about drugs, it can be anything at all, I just have to have a differing opinion to whatever he says at the time.
So basically what I'm asking is: if someone is known to turn on the drink and isn't capable of just acting nice and normal then are they ever going to change that? Can they ever just have a small amount of alcohol and be happy and not let it turn them?
I'm laid here thinking that if this is how it's going to be then can I really be with this man forever? I absolutely dread the next time he drinks around me and it's not right. I shouldn't have to feel that way but at the same time we have no problems anywhere else within our relationship. We are happy 99% of the time.
Just a little bit of tough love or advice needed.

In sum, no.

Two things stand out:

1. you’ve pulled him up before and he hasn’t changed. Why would he now all of a sudden?

2. you were anxious over what would be said when you got home. Been there...got the wardrobe. That’s no way to live. It’s abusuve. Leave.

Massive red flag. Sorry but this overrides the other ‘good’ 99%. Leave.

I think some people can change.

That doesn’t mean you have to wait around until your boyfriend does (or doesn’t).

You know where your line in the sand is, I suspect that’s why you’ve posted this thread.

I hope you’re ok

It's as I suspected. I was fearful of the LTB comments but I kind of knew they were coming. I am not a stupid person and deep down I know it's not right. Regardless of the happy relationship a bad drunk is not a safe person to be around.

He would never physically harm me, he isn't that kind of person. It's just disappointing he can say nasty things in drink. He would never dare speak to me like that when sober. He never has. He's actually a wonderful partner so I feel in turmoil this evening. It kind of woke me up a little. I feel like the right thing to is of course leave but I would be walking out on an otherwise perfect relationship.

Why have you name changed OP?

And no he's not going to change.

A lot of people go through a phase (often in their 20s) of going out and getting smashed, with all the consequences that brings. Then they just grow out of it.
You don't say how old you are. If he's doing this in his 40s then he's unlikely to change.

NC fail 😩 oh well fuck it.

‘Otherwise perfect’ = imperfect

Drunk him and sober him aren’t two different people. They come as a duo.

He’s not a good enough partner to pack in his hurtful behaviour, is he?

In this example, no. I was all ready to say yes because I used to be a lightweight and a bit of an idiot, I'm still a lightweight but now I know my limits and stick under them.

I'd add to the two problems pointed out above:

1. He's a mean drunk. Not everyone is, plenty of people simply become affectionate or annoying or depressed when drunk. I tend to be a bit suspicious now of people who become mean when they drink because I suspect it's a bit that the "real" then is coming out. Otherwise they'd be horrified and find the prospect of behaving that way due to drink to be scary, and not drink.

1. You have very different core beliefs about drug use. To you it's a total no at least for yourself, and you seem uncomfortable on some level about people doing it around you - perhaps situation dependent. However, your boyfriend finds drug use not to just be acceptable, but in fact preferable and wants people around him to be using it too. Regardless of rights or wrongs, just putting aside any argument for a second about where the moral line lies, this is simply completely incompatible a pair of approaches. You never wanting to do it and potentially feeling uncomfortable or worse about people doing it around you doesn't fit with his ideal that drugs are a laugh and everyone should do them together. Over time this is likely to cause issues as it has tonight and you can't assume that he will necessarily share any beliefs you may hold e.g. about how appropriate it is for drugs to be used around children or simply by parents of children.

1. Whether it was "the drink talking" or not he's being massively insensitive to your past and overriding your boundaries - that's really shitty behaviour and shows he doesn't have very high regard for you, which is worrying.

When you say the relationship is "perfect" the rest of the time could you explain what this means?

If he’s contrite in the morning ask him not to get that drunk again and see what he replies?

They have to realise that they need to change and go teetotal. He's not really sorry if he keeps on doing it.

I think the point about him being insensitive to my past is extremely important yes.
I was an avid drug user throughout my teens and my early 20's. I did a couple of spells in rehab to try and help me to come off them. I became addicted to painkillers once I was off street drugs and needed further rehab to help me through that.
I've been clean for a number of years now and could never and would never go back to that life. I existed rather than lived. It's obviously something that I find difficult to be around (if other people want to take drugs that's fine, I will always find it difficult to be in the vicinity of them. I don't crave them and have no desire to take them it just makes me feel uncomfortable) the fact that this evening I felt a little bit of pressure to take them has upset me somewhat.
I feel there are a few issues here that have now been highlighted to me that I need to look at in more depth. It isn't just the nastiness when drunk but as someone has said, it can be the part of them that really exists coming out of them. Drink lowers your inhibitions and I do feel the same when it comes to meeting nasty drunks. I have always felt like they are showing their true colours.
I guess I'm just feeling a little shitty now after this evening and questioning my whole relationship and wondering why he's like this once alcohol enters his system. I feel let down and a little humiliated.
Feel like having a good cry but I know I won't. I usually just have it out with him the next day and watch him cringe and squirm. Which he will. I can tell he feels ashamed but as someone has said; not enough to quit drinking altogether.

Don’t feel humiliated!

His bad form reflects only on him.

@BertieBotts ok I'll try.
We get on fantastic, we laugh so much and the passion is there completely. We understand each other and he's been a huge support to me in all aspects of my life. He's helped me through many rough times that I wouldn't have been able to get through without him. We have the same interests and the same morals. We don't argue, at all. If we disagree with each other then the subject is changed. He's never upset me or made me feel anything other than the best thing since sliced bread. I couldn't pick a single fault in him. He doesn't annoy me or get on my nerves, I don't feel pissed off with him for anything. He's extremely thoughtful and he puts effort into our relationship continually. He's protective and nurturing to me as I am to him. He treats me and surprises me to silly things that I love. We have regular date nights once a month and we have an amazing sex life. He's really my perfect match.

Alcohol happens and it changes.

Are you also anxious around alcohol? It's a tough one, he likes to go out and drink and you like to have a few and go home. Why can't he do his drinking with his mates and stick to a few drinks then you are out with your mates?
Me and my husband sometimes clash when we are both drinking, it's neither of our fault, it's just the way it is, drink changes people, we now have what we call our limit and all is fine.
People do NOT speak the truth when drinking, who ever invented that was talking bollocks.

So you'll tell him tomorrow and he will be sorry.
But if he was really sorry he would take any steps necessary to avoid a repeat, and if the issue is drink, he should stop drinking.
My worry would be that:
the drunk him is the real him, the alcohol just makes him drop his filter.
the longer this goes on the more the nastiness becomes your "normal" and the more you will be anxious of social nights out, walking on eggshells. This would be a major red flag for me.

Only you know where your line in the sand is. IMHO he needs to show you by his actions that he is really sorry and it will not happen again.

How long have you been together? It seems concerning that instead of being able to discuss issues you disagree on the subject gets changed. Also that he will squirm and be embarrassed about how he's acted rather than listening to your concerns and taking them on board.

I'm not trying to pick holes here - the rest of it does sound great genuinely, it's more trying to get a picture, I have a hard time believing that somebody is lovely most of the time and then turns magically into an arse when alcohol comes out. I am concerned for you that he might be hiding arsehole tendencies at other times. It's not unknown for this to happen and you only look back and see the red flags in hindsight.

I'm not anxious around alcohol. I used to be when I was first rehabilitated but now I'm quite comfortable. Can enjoy drinks and have a good time. I know my limit I know what is the right amount for me.
Don't get me wrong I can sink a bottle of wine at times at home on a weekend and enjoy a night in with a takeaway and film as people do. I can go out with friends dressed up to the nines and drink shots and cocktails all night and feel hungover as hell the next day. I can also do a few sociable drinks with friends and then feel happy going home and getting a good nights sleep. I only ever feel uncomfortable if I drink with him as I can tell which drink has sent him the other way and once that's happened then I'm on eggshells because it's a matter of time before the nasty part of him rears it's head.
If I was teetotal i wouldn't be with someone that drinks full stop, but I'm not so it's hard for me to want him to stop drinking completely and expect that from him knowing that it can be something that groups of friends should be able to do with no bother.
I don't drink very often, once a month at the very most. Sometimes I go two or three months without alcohol. At which time he will maybe go out with his friends for drinks and I will stay at my own house rather than his as I don't like to be at his house when he returns full of drink.
A lot of the time I'm actually lucky and he comes home and passes straight out.

We've been together for near on 2 years now and it never used to be this way. We used to be able to drink and have a great time together. I would say it's the last year it's been this way when he's in drink. It's just becoming every time he's pissed now rather than a random event which anyone can brush off as a drunken row.
I don't want to look back in years to come and kick myself for thinking I should have noticed this all sooner. I have been through a lot of therapy and have had a great deal of intervention with psychologists etc for reasons I don't need to go into so I would say I'm pretty screwed on about abuse etc and I can honestly say he's never made me feel anything other than loved and safe. It's genuinely just the alcohol that is his issue. He can't handle it clearly.

Right, so this is a new thing rather than a constant. So something has changed, maybe the other posters are right and he's gradually showing you his REAL self?
I'm always prepared to see both sides when it comes to drink as I've been the loud drunk and I've been on the receiving end of the nasty drunk. But I fear that maybe he is showing red flags.

I changed op. I was a weepy emotional spendthrift drunk (at home), so I quit. I come from a long line of serious alcoholics so I'm an all or nothing type. I had to seek counselling and work at it but I first had to admit that I was a troubled drinker, is your bf willing to give it up? Your worrying about what he may be like when you get home after a party is all too familiar of my mother when she was drunk, it's terrifying and you don't have to live like that. Are you taking this opportunity to consider how you want your life to be?

It is fair that you ask him to not drink around you, while you can still enjoy drinks because you aren't the one that has a problem and gets nasty when under the influence.