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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to support someone...

8 replies

FloydWasACat · 12/01/2019 23:35

I feel really selfish posting this. One of my best friends is going through tests waiting for a diagnosis, for cervical cancer. We both 'know' that it isn't in the early
Stages (me more than her, but I won't say that to her). I feel so upset for her, please if anyone could give me advice on what I could do to help, it really would be appreciated. I did her a 'goody bag' with a hot water bottle, blanket, word search book and bottles of vitamins sneaked in too Wink and I will be going with her to the hospital next week, but she is truly in denial about everything that is happening, and what the results could be. She has a dd who is a year younger than my d's, they get on brilliantly.
Nor sure what my aibu is really, or what I am asking for.

I guess it is: how do you support a friend who may have cancer, apart from the practical things like going with her to spots, which I am going to do.

I feel really rubbish as I am so upset (which she hasn't seen) and she is being so strong and stoic

OP posts:
Original poster
FloydWasACat · 12/01/2019 23:37

Spots = appts!

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FinallyFree123456789 · 12/01/2019 23:43

Hi @OnMyWayToday

Ive recently gone through treatment for cervical cancer. I didn't tell anyone until the day before my operation when I broke down to my mum and told her the full extent of it.

The best thing you can do is be there for her, anytime - she may not be ready to face it yet, I certainly wasn't which is why I put off telling my mum until the final minute when I suddenly thought I might die .....

Everyone kept saying "abnormal smears are so common" this do not help me at all - which I think is why I didn't tell anyone about my diagnosis. It was only after my op that I spoke more about it.

Be there for her, ask if she wants anything doing - practically like cooking, childcare housework etc ... she may be dealing with it in her own way and that's fine - but knowing someone is there is so valuable especially once they put a plan in place - whatever that plan may be

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 12/01/2019 23:54

Thank you @Finallyfree, that is great advice. I will be there for her whenever and where ever, l think that what is worrying me is that she is in denial about all of it, and when it does sink in, it will hit her like a ton of bricks. This is my aibu: why the fuck am I
more upset than her?? Wtf is wrong with me??

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FinallyFree123456789 · 13/01/2019 00:03

@FloydWasACat

In all honesty; for me anyway; I was in denial because the alternative was horrendous and I didn't want to face dying.
You can see it clearly and for what it is because it's not you in the situation (in the nicest way I mean that) she may get news that's better than what you are expecting - stage 1 to stage 4 .... cancer - just that word everyone expects the worst. However until you have them biopsy and definitive results nobody actually knows.
She may get the news and then crash so to speak - I did - but then I got over it and decided to fight, I just couldn't and didn't want to face it before I really had too. Which may be the same for her, wanting to carry on as normal for her child - which was my main driving force behind not facing up to it sooner in all honesty. And I also blamed myself for not attending my smear tests; I was 28 and had never had one

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 13/01/2019 00:15

Yep, she is blaming her self too about not having a smear test for years. I am guilty of that too, guess what I have booked soon!
In all honesty, I know she can get through it, and she will, but there are going to be operations etc, which mean she needs to rest. And she won't

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FinallyFree123456789 · 13/01/2019 00:21

The self blaming bit will continue - I still blame myself even now. But it will make me attend my smear tests going forwards!

She has to rest.
It sounds cliche but rest really is the best thing. I didn't listen - went back to work too soon and got an infection ... I quickly learned rest is best!
The tiredness is something I have never experienced before and never want too again ...
practically having the house clean, clean sheets and frozen meals ready to ping was a godsend when I came home from hospital, as was having someone do the school runs for dd.

She may surprise you in that she'll realise she has to take it slowly and carefully and actually rest for the best outcome - the doctors were very insistent about rest Hmm and I can see why now I'm on the other side

Sparklybanana · 13/01/2019 00:27

Sounds like you’re doing a sterling job. It’s good she’s in denial at this point. Neither of you know what the diagnosis is yet and being positive is not a bad thing. You’re upset because you love her and because you’re empathetic. You can feel yourself in her shoes because you have a daughter like her and you’ve made the same choices as she did (not getting smears). This could be you and that’s terrifying. I’m not saying this is why you’re ‘more’ upset but it’s part of the reason and it’s fair enough. She’s not upset outwardly but I’m sure she’s just trying to fill the void with anything as long as it’s not shear terror and grief and what ifs. Just be there for her. Don’t treat her like she’s an invalid. Small things make huge differences.

Original poster
FloydWasACat · 13/01/2019 01:28

Sparklybanana and FinallyFree123456789 thank you both xxx

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