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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Discipline

26 replies

RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:14

Roughly how long does it take to change to a child’s behaviour?

Bit of background dd is 7 and her behaviour is shocking, it has gradually been getting worse for the last 6 months. She has become the worlds worst eater, has been in lots of trouble at school, argues about everything and has started hitting me this past week.

So last night I decided enough was enough and things needed to change, but today has been her worst day yet. I have introduced screen limits, more outdoor time and have been ignoring her tantrums. Just wondered if anyone has any advice on how long this will go on for and is there anything I can do to help her adjust to having proper rules and boundaries.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 12/01/2019 21:16

What does the school say?

incywincybitofa · 12/01/2019 21:19

7 is a tricky age but has anything else happened? Is school ok?
If it's just discipline she'll push to see if you mean it.

Boyskeepswinging · 12/01/2019 21:21

I have introduced screen limits
If my 7 year old had hit me there would be no screen time at all until there had been a marked improvement in behaviour.

is there anything I can do to help her adjust to having proper rules and boundaries.
So has she never been given any rules or boundaries before?

Birdsgottafly · 12/01/2019 21:23

You've got to keep it positive.

Keep it together and learn relaxation, ignoring techniques etc, so you don't react whatsoever.

It usually takes a few months. At times it might be two steps forward o e step back.

I'd check that nothing has sparked this, though. It sounds extreme.

Original poster
RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:24

School said that she had started to answer back, talk in class and act like the class clown, they said it was low level disruption. But I wanted it sorted before it escalates to anything more serious. She has always been fine up until after the October holiday.
I think she has just been getting a bit spoilt DH came back to work permanently near us something he hasn’t done since dd was 3, and he was treating her like a princess. I think he thought he was making up for lost time.

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blueskiesandforests · 12/01/2019 21:25

How did you get to this point? Has something happened?

My youngest of 3 children is nearly 8 and I've found 7 a very sweet age at which children are startlingly astute in some ways and beginning to make some very insightful comments and understand more abstract ideas, yet are still absolutely 100% children and very eager to do right.

I'd wonder whether the behaviour you describe is naughtiness or whether something has happened or is happening in her world which she's reacting to, because she's far too young for it to be internally driven by hormones.

AnoukSpirit · 12/01/2019 21:25

It probably depends on how things reached this point, and what has prompted it to get worse.

How have things at home been?

Original poster
RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:26

Boyskeepswinging she does her homework on an iPad so I have now limited her to just doing that, previously she was allowed 30mins a day but I wasn’t too strict about it and sometimes she had longer.

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AnoukSpirit · 12/01/2019 21:27

What do you mean by treating her like a princess?

Aprilshowerswontbelong · 12/01/2019 21:27

At around 7 my dd had trouble explaining what was wrong, I suggested she could write me a note! Many times she posted a note under the door that made us both be able to deal with her behaviour much easier.

blueskiesandforests · 12/01/2019 21:28

Ah sorry - cross posted.

So effectively her world has changed drastically, though it should be positive.

It sounds as though you have a DH problem not a DD problem - the road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that.

Get DH onto the same page and present a united front, parenting as you did before he came home permanently. If you manage that give her 3 months and she should have settled down. If not then think again...

Mishappening · 12/01/2019 21:31

You need to create some boundaries and be absolutely single-minded about them and the associated sanctions. If you do not deviate for one second, then things can be turned around speedily. I have seen it happen - used to work for CAMHS.

Boyskeepswinging · 12/01/2019 21:31

From previous posts, is this your DD with autism?

Original poster
RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:32

She was getting everything she wanted. It was causing massive problems between me and dh. He was taking her to school in the morning and she was refusing to go in and he was taking her for a hot chocolate. Things like before he came back she was expected to keep her room tidy, put clothes away etc when he returned he started doing everything for her. When I first spoke to him about it he was very dismissive about it and said I am just spending time with her but he is now in agreement that things can’t continue as her behaviour has deteriorated massively in the past week.

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Mishappening · 12/01/2019 21:32

Oh yes - and the united front - that goes without saying - he must not deviate either. And never never criticise the other's discipline in front of the child - give him hell out of earshot but not in front of the child.

PhilomenaButterfly · 12/01/2019 21:34

What homework is she doing on an iPad at age 7?! Mine might do research for a holidays project, but that's it.

ProfessionalConfessional · 12/01/2019 21:35

Ah. There’s your problem.

All the trickiest DC I know are the ones with the parents that don’t respect each other. The DC just see the lack of respect and reflect it back.

Original poster
RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:37

Boyskeepswinging no it’s my youngest that has autism. My other dd is nt.
It’s her reading homework that is iPad based. She has to log 15 minutes of reading every night on it.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 12/01/2019 21:39

It sounds like it is to do with DH coming home. You need to sit with him and work out a plan. Hitting you is pretty bad. Has anything happened in particular with DH?

Original poster
RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:43

Not really she always struggled when he left and I think part of it could be she is worried he is leaving again, but we have tried to reassure that he isn’t going anywhere.

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Goldmandra · 12/01/2019 21:44

Whilst a united front is important, could your DH be picking up on the communication behind her behaviour and trying to offer support she needs?

I would ask why she refused to go into school, why she feels the need to be the class clown, why she would suddenly struggle with some foods and why she is more argumentative and is becoming violent.

I would be very surprised if your DH's treatment of her was causing all of this. It paints a picture of a child who is struggling and feeling stressed or anxious.

Take some time to really properly explore what she finds difficult and whether these could explain her change in behaviour.

The key to changing behaviour is usually to understand what the child is trying to communicate. Remove the problem and you remove the behaviour.

Goldmandra · 12/01/2019 21:46

Just seen that she has a sibling with ASD. Please read up on girls with Aspergers. Your DD may not be as NT as you think.

Original poster
RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:51

No she has we had her assessed privately when youngest was diagnosed as this was something that concerned me as they made a massive deal of siblings having a 25% chance of having asd as well.
The fussy eating is because dh panders to it he will make her a completely seperate meal whereas I would only give her toast or cereal. I do think anxiety is playing a part in it. That’s why we are working with the school. I have contacted the family support team for our area and we are meeting with them next week. We have done parenting classes in the past but that was more on dealing with asd and meltdowns.

OP posts:
Boyskeepswinging · 12/01/2019 21:52

OK, thanks for clarifying. I had wondered if the recent change in circs would have been particularly difficult for a child with autism but I guess it's not going to be easy for any 7 year old. It does sound like this has been the trigger. Lots of really good advice has been given already. All I can add is that the secret of my success with discipline has been consistency ie carrying through any threatened consequences, even when you're knackered and frankly can't be bothered. It's been a complete ball ache at times but I am now coming out the other side with a pleasant child.
Stay firm and you will get there!

Original poster
RocknRolla · 12/01/2019 21:55

Thanks boyskeepswinging she was a great kid before and I know it’s mine and dh fault that her behaviour has deteriorated so much. That great that you are coming out the other side with such great results. That’s what I am aiming for.

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