To be fearful of TTC and having a baby

[miyajima90]

I am posting this on AIBU because there might be more of a cross section of views / experience here than in, say, Becoming a Parent.

I'm currently 39. My dream is to have a family with my DH. To cut a long story short, I met my husband 3 years ago and married last year. I wasn't in a position emotionally or otherwise to be in a healthy relationship or think about babies prior to that. He is a decade younger than me.

We have discussed (almost from the outset, due to my age) having a family. We agree we want one together. I have had fertility checks etc (all fine but clock is obviously ticking) and we have discussed at length and planned to start trying straight after our wedding.

At the moment though, we are still using condoms, 6 months after wedding. We both know we need to get on with it and my DH is very supportive and understanding of, and patient with me. The last few months since wedding I didn't feel 100% ready to stop contraception despite our plans, definitely wanting a family etc. I want to, but keep feeling nervous to begin. Kept finding excuses like I was going to stop alcohol / lose weight before starting, etc.

It's hard to describe the way I'm feeling and may be hard for some to relate to given I've never been a "broody" person or ever felt the "urge" and am not hugely in love with all babies... That said- and before anyone questions whether I really do want children, I genuinely do, I just wish they popped out aged about 5! I have done a lot of thinking since meeting my DH- I knew instantly I wanted a family with him, and love the idea of older children- just not been so much of a baby broody type- and having read various forums on here over the past few months I know there are plenty of mums out there who felt the same. So maybe this contributes to me feeling nervous about the prospect.

Also, I keep feeling nervous about the impact it will have on our lives- which I know will be significant, but part and parcel of being a parent.

We have both been honest from day one, and both feel that if I were 29 as well as my DH, we would probably wait a few years before trying. But at 39 (me) we are both aware this is not a luxury we have and when given the choice of trying now, or never - it clearly has to be now.

So.... my question is NOT about whether this is the right decision, as I am certain it is. But how I can help myself to adjust to this life change and commit to TTC. Or indeed, do I need to adjust or should the approach be to just go ahead and TTC regardless of my nerves? Have others had experience of nerves before TTC, or of knowing they need to crack on due to their age? Is the 9 months enough time to get used to the prospect?

Xx

Honestly at 39 if you're certain you want DC, and it sounds like you are, you need to just get on with it.

Sometimes in life you just have to take a leap of faith and get on with things. You can’t micromanage every aspect of your life and it wouldn’t be fun if you could. You don’t really have time to mess around.

I could have written your post except I'm 40. My DH said he'd love us to have a baby but after a lot of thinking I've decided against it.

I've never really wanted children although I could imagine having one with him.

But a bigger part of me can't imagine giving up my job, freedom and all the other things I've taken for granted for so long.

I'd have to start trying now and I just don't feel ready to. Maybe in a year or so I would but time is against me.

I've booked 2 appointments at a private clinic to have my coil removed and cancelled them both. Lost my deposit twice 😬

You will never be able to fully prepared to have a child until you have a child. The only think I could prepare for was the financial side as in cutting back in areas so that we could afford for me to be on maternity leave.

I would just go ahead and do it. My first pregnancy was unplanned but I am happy it happened.

Yes, I’d imagine most people shit themselves a bit at finding out they are pregnant, I conceived on the first go when I expected it to take longer and it was a lot to get your head around. A lot happens in 9 months though and you go through lots of fears and joys and ups and downs. I think you need to crack on as think of how you will feel if it takes two years. Having a baby is hard work and your fears are reasonable, but tbh I find the people like you who are scared of the disruption tend to enjoy babyhood more and don’t find it as bad as they expected. People like me who thought they knew babies and that they would know what they are doing...experience a very difficult reality check! Good luck with the process.

Vulcan Mother is a thing OP. We're not all broody or overtly maternal etc. It doesn't mean you'll be a bad mother.

No one is ever ready. They just get on with it.

Just go for it. Nothing ever fully prepares you for having a baby. You can make adjustments as you go along. I think we all pretty much just wing it anyway

You sound like a friend of mind. Very cautious, preferred older children, considered it for years and finally had one child in her mid 30s. She has been happy as far as I know. Struggled a little but overall happy with becoming a parent. He dh is very involved and both have organised their work so they spend a couple of days at home caring for the child.

I think if you you have plans about work, finances, parenting roles etc you may feel more secure with the unknown associated with having children.

I felt similarly OP and honestly, for the first little while I did regret having a baby. It's incredibly hard and it changes your life beyond explanation. BUT in the grand scheme of things it actually doesn't take that long until you start getting bits of your old life back. Okay, we can't go on spontaneous holidays but now that DD sleeps well we can get babysitters, we can have late nights with friends, we talk and watch movies and have sex etc etc. And the joy she brings us really does outweigh the sacrifices.

I don't want to sugarcoat it and say it's all sunshine and rainbows - it's not - but on balance, it's worth it. Though not at first.

Agreed that you might just need to gird your loins and think of England! I know what you mean and honestly, having a baby can be a slog. But having a child - and they're interesting and funny people years before they're five! - is brilliant. Well worth the first two years.

Mate just grab the bull by the horns. Go for it.

You seem to be just assuming that you'll be successful, not everyone is. I reckon once you've been trying for a while the nerves will turn into a desperation to be pregnant.

At your age (I’m older than you so I don’t mean that harshly) every month you don’t ttc could be the month that your body releases your remaining viable egg, so don’t waste any more time! Good luck :)

I kind of have to agree with @Oysterbabe
Just because you've had fertility checks (what exactly by the way? Egg reserve? Egg quality? Something else?) doesn't mean it will happen soon, especially at your age. Crack on!

There will always be a reason to put it off for a bit longer. If you are sure you want to... which you sound like you are... you should just go for it. You don't know how long it might take either.

I have never really been keen on babies that much either but I am a soppy great idiot when it comes to my own

Thanks all. Thanks for the encouragement / reality check. I forgot to add that the paradox is that half the time I'm worrying about doing it and the other half worrying I've left it too late. So definitely by no means complacent. Just scared!

The full fertility works, AMH, FSH, follicle etc etc numerous times. But this is really only to check there no serious / major problem and we don't waste time trying and find out there was an issue all along. It wasn't really an insurance policy as I know my ovaries are shrivelling as we speak

I'm pregnant at 39, started TTC at 34. You really have to do it now, not tomorrow, not the day after, it's today. Go get the condoms and tgrow tgem away now. Just put your feelings about babies aside for a while, once you're pregnant you have 8 months to prepare yourself for the baby stage, that's long enough.

Op, everyone's life is uncertain. None of us have control of the future, but if you allow your anxiety to dictate your path, you may very well wake up 10 years from now with massive regrets. Having a baby is wonderful! Stop the birth control and just start living life!

I can't fully relate to your experience but...

I could've have been more "ready" for DC1. I'd had a health issue that, for a time, meant we had to consider my needing a complete hysterectomy (if I didn't die first). This was when I was 31. When neither of those things happened we were obviously extremely relieved and eager to get trying for a baby. It took 18 months - so 17 times I held out hope, got my negative test, thought maybe I still could be, got my period, and so on. So when I conceived - the only word is JOY. I spent the whole pregnancy preparing and counted down the minutes.

When she was born it flipped my world upside down. I was not prepared. She is my love and the centre of my world but Christ was it tough that first year.

Then came dc2 - my surprise. Totally unprepared. Saw the + test and my first words were "oh shit". Took a while to get happy about it, felt overwhelmed and scared the whole pregnancy pretty much.

Then he came along and it has been a dream with my 2 babies. Hard, yes, but totally fine - like a duck to water.

Moral of the story: just get pregnant OP. It'll be fucking nuts but you'll be fine.

Have a think about what your life is going to look like in 5/10/15 years time. Do you see yourself with a family or just with your husband?

If you want a family you need to be brave and crack on and give it a try.

I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one feeling like this! I’m a bit younger than you, but still in the “shit, what if it’s too late?!” category and have all of the same feelings. It might amuse / reassure you to know that we stopped using condoms in December and have now stated again because I’m on a super low calorie diet (I’m only a little overweight, so it’s not necessarily all that needed!) and asked for a bit of time. My DH is very understanding, but honestly I’m ridiculous and just looking for excuses because I’m SO SCARED!

Honestly, the first time you have on-purpose unprotected sex to TTC does feel completely terrifying! It feels like you're immediately going to get pregnant that night and even if you're desperate for a baby, you suddenly want to slam the brakes on because it's a huge thing.

But it can take a while. Then the terror wears off and you wish you'd started much earlier.

I don't like babies. You feel different about your own kids. I got pregnant within a couple of months of NTNP - had our first child 5 days after our first wedding anniversary, absolutely wasn't ready when I conceived or when he was born (a month early). But, I love him completely and I'm glad he came around so quickly after getting married because it meant that pretty much every major decision we have made as a married couple has been with our future family in mind - we hadn't settled happily into a routine which had to be disrupted by a new addition or invested in impractical furniture or anything. I'm glad we just went for it.

DS is 2 now and I'm 5+ months pregnant with DC2. This baby was also not exactly planned, following some severe sickness I had last summer which meant I didn't keep my pills down. I still can't believe I'm going to have another baby in just a few months. But you know what? We will persevere, and we will love our children and love each other and be happy. Because we choose to be.