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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you don't have to do everything together?

27 replies

BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 20:46

Me and my partner do lots together. We go out for meals, walks, cinema etc. We do more separately however. I visit my family for a weekend of every month, I go on snowboarding holidays/weekends (he isn't in to snowboarding), I go out a lot with my friends, I spend new year in France with my family and he spends it with his. He goes on biking holidays (I don't bike) and takes his motorbike on short weekend tours abroad with his friend.

We have a very young baby so this will change, however a friend brought to light that it's 'weird' that we do so much apart...

We are happy and like being quite independent from each other whilst also having a loving relationship. We do more apart than we do together, but so far that has been okay.

Anyone else similar? Or is it really that 'weird'?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 20:47

May I state... we realise this will change now a baby is on the scene and we are both okay with that as we are realistic people!

OP posts:
Flyingfish2019 · 12/01/2019 20:48

If it makes you happy... why not?

Original poster
BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 20:48

@Flyingfish2019 well that was my logic...

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Flyingfish2019 · 12/01/2019 20:51

Personally I would liketo do more with my dh... but he cannot cope with crowds very well... so we don’t.... makes me unhappy and I wish I was a bit more like you.

theredjellybean · 12/01/2019 20:52

My dp and I are like that.
I do not want to be joined at the hip thanks we are very happy, xand proud of each others achievements, I am a keen runner, he bikes, we both sail but he races in big races.. I very proud of him doing that but I don't wNt to join in... We both work sometime at home, half week in London, sometimes our working week coincides sometimes it doesn't...

His ex wife was clingy and wanted him home every evening and they did everything together... Grocery shopping, ferrying kids about... Etc... He says it was suffocating

Boyskeepswinging · 12/01/2019 20:52

If you're both happy then that's fine. There is no rule about how much you need to do as a couple, it's what suits you. Everyone does not need to do exactly what everyone else does, despite what social media tries to engender. It's your lives - do what makes you both happy!

Trills · 12/01/2019 20:56

I think it's better if you don't do everything together.

Sitranced · 12/01/2019 21:05

Oh my gosh I wish DH and I would do more separate activities. We both like the same things which can be consuming and a little too much at times. I quite enjoy work just for a break from him Blush

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 21:07

Some people want to do everything together, some people want more time apart. Both arrangements can be fine if you're all happy with it.

Billballbaggins · 12/01/2019 21:08

If it makes you both happy it’s fine. My DH and I do a lot together. Pretty much everything, which some people would really dislike or find weird but we are happy so who cares what anyone else thinks!

Original poster
BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 21:17

@theredjellybean you sound very much like me and my DP and I love it! I can't imagine doing everything together. I'm going o I'm a festival with me and my son in July. He hates festivals and won't be joining me, but we are going away all of us in August so it's fine :) never occurred to me that it might be strange...

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaybunny · 12/01/2019 21:28

Totally healthy and normal not to live in each other’s pockets and have your own interests. I had an ex that insisted we did EVERYTHING together and it became suffocating.

Original poster
BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 21:28

@Trills I agree :)

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Original poster
BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 21:29

@Didsomeonesaybunny my thoughts exactly. If you want to do everything together and it works for you then I see no problem but I couldn't do it...

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Seline · 12/01/2019 21:30

Personally I think it's strange but if you're happy then who cares? I prefer doing everything with DH which I'm sure you think is weird!

Original poster
BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 21:31

@Seline I don't think it's weird at all! I just think we are all different and can't imagine that set up for myself...

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PenelopeChipShop · 12/01/2019 21:34

I hope it continues to work for you and i’m not saying it won’t, but my now-ex DH and I were very much like that pre-kids. After babies I found he continued to do all his own activities but I didn’t have the freedom to do mine (as I was always with the kids - when not at work I might add). He was much less enthusiastic about ‘allowing’ me any me time as all his stuff came first. This is such a common dynamic after children come along, just make sure things stay equal!

CardsforKittens · 12/01/2019 21:37

DP and I go on separate holidays but we do almost everything else together. It works for us. I wouldn't want to spend every second together, and neither would he.

Original poster
BlotiCarloti · 12/01/2019 21:37

@PenelopeChipShop we've actually had this discussion. We have one evening a week scheduled for family time. No phones. No tech. Just family. He's completely obsessed with his son! It's wonderful. I will keep what you say in mind though as I can't imagine that being much fun!

OP posts:
Seline · 12/01/2019 21:40

Yes I agree! I think the key is finding someone who's ideal is the same as yours. If it makes you happy then why not. Smile

arethereanyleftatall · 12/01/2019 21:41

Dh and I are like this. Works lovely for us. I know other couples who like to do everything together, which is also absolutely fine. And everything in between.

soulrider · 12/01/2019 21:45

It sounds more like your friend was commenting on doing so much apart, rather than saying you should do everything together.

I know many couples with their own interests but none who do more stuff apart than together as you do, so I would say it's unusual.

Talula1993 · 12/01/2019 21:46

I dont think there is a norm. Me and my partner are very 'independent' and like our own thing, can cope spending time apart on our own holidays with friends, but we are very strong as a couple. In my eyes we can spend time apart because we trust each other, know its only temporary and appreciate we have more in our lives than just each other!

I have a couple of friends when they are out are glued to their phones to their OH, can't work out if its sweet or unhealthy.

namechangedforanon · 12/01/2019 21:46

I’m the same as you OP , it’s healthy !

Talula1993 · 12/01/2019 21:48

Adding from above though we do most things together, just nice to do our own thing sometimes

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