AIBU to not want DD to be friends with this girl ?

[JohnnyJohns12344]

My DD is 12 and in year 8. She has this friend who I think is rather two faced and toxic . She acts like DDs bestie and then ditches her , embarrasses her with old stories , making up lies or taking the piss out of hr clothing , hair ect. She does this when her ‘other friends’ are around who dd is close with but not as close as the other girl is with them. She constantly comes home having her feelings hurt by this girl . The other week sh made up this lie about dd saying to this girls brother sh fingers herself . She then asked to borrow he lip gloss which dd let her being nice. This girl then proceeded to keep th lip gloss saying she’d lost it after spitting in it , licking it and wasting it to write the words too faced on w piece of paper. The girl also stole DDs pen which was clearly hers ( had bite marks in) after DD let her borrow it . The thing is , this girl can be nice when alone and is probrably the closest thing to bestfriend DD has got . Not sure why I think it’s may be because she’s known this girl longer and the girl can be fake and call her her bestfriend and everything . This girl is the type to try impress others by misbehaving ect which I’ve heard is what’s she does and aloe pretends she gets phone calls home and detentions whine she doesn’t so I don’t really want dd being friends with her never mind best friends but she won’t listen

What does your dd think?
I’d absolutely hate this. She is no friend. Could you open up conversation around what a friend is? Does she have positive friendships you could encourage & point out specific acts those other friends do that make them a good friend. Ask her would she like to Invite around a friend you see as a positive influence?

I dread my daughter getting to this age because girls are so bloody horrible to each other. I don't think you are wrong to not want your daughter to hang around with this girl, she sounds nasty but it's very hard at that age to see things like that. I don't know why but as an adult we wouldn't stand for that kind of behaviour and would just simply cut someone out who treated us that way but when I was 12 I never would have had the guts to do that for fear of this girls behaviour getting worse. Don't know about your daughter though, is she quite confident?

She is no friend let alone best friend. Freely is the word you are looking for here. She sounds jealous and toxic.
I would try and steer your dd to looking at how a proper friend behaves. Get her to join some clubs or groups outside of this girl and maybe have chats on how to quietly drop the frenemy if she ask.

At that age you're going to have to let her come to the conclusion on her own.
But you can start commenting about that's not what a friend behaves like. How does friendship look? Would you act like that? If not, why not?

Help her get to the place where this girl is nasty and not worth it.

Make it clear that sometimes we outgrow friendships etc

Watching this thread with interest as my daughter has a similar toxic friend and comes home crying at least twice a week as she drops her as soon as someone else is available!! I don't like her spending time with her but at the same time at 11 I want her to make her own choices. I have asked her to consider how she makes her feel and not to go running when she crooks her little finger but so far to no avail!!

This kid sounds like a total bitch and you are quite reasonable in not wanting dd to hang out with her.
BUT
you can’t ban her from being friends with anyone. All you can do is be open and approachable, supportive and caring. Your dd needs to find the strength, skills and confidence to realise that some people are not good for us. It’s a life lesson. She’s got to do this herself, with your support

She is quite lively , chatty ect sometimes too chatty which can get annoying but this girl is quite like her in the way that she is also chatty . In school they have 2 bands which separate lessons from each other and DD got moved . She was talking to much in the changing rooms I think and her ‘bestfrind’ Told her apparently as a joke to emigrate back to the other band because they don’t need another annoying person . She also said my DD is a Jew which I think was meant as an insult but dd said she wasn’t bothered about being called that . My DD has admitted she’s not best friends with all the girls and doesn’t get invited out much of go out i don’t think but this may be due to loving far away but in school is quite close mates with 4/9 girls and does sometimes go out after school w them and on walks.i think this girl thinks of DD as someone not important and so doesn’t care what she does to her .

I think DD is scared of looking like she’s got no friends and leaving the group because of her other close friends within it . It’s hard as there all in the same friendship group including th mean girl . So it’s her closest friends , this mean girl and th girls that girl is close to

A group of girls like this ruined year 7 and most of year 8 for Dd, she even needed coucilling at school and started cutting. I was livid when I found out. Dd only ever told me good things about the group of girls she hung out with. Luckily the school councillor persuaded Dd to let me come to a meeting, (she was going to refer her to CAHMS) We worked with her to find a new group to hang out with, and now year 9 she's back to the happy girl I remember.
Just keep talking to her, we went on and on about what being a good friend is, why this behaviour isn't being a nice friend, how no one does these things to someone they are friends with. How friends should be able to trust that you won't hurt or embarras them on purpose and do everything to make things right if you did. Finally she saw sense and went and told the councillor she was going to dump them all and was hanging out with a different group. The original group showed her how horrible they really were when she walked away.
Keep talking to her. I even got her some books on Amazon about cliques and bullying and stuff.