To be upset with DB over attitude to dad’s affair.

[KimberlyJane56]

Hello all.
I have name changed for this as it is pretty outing.
When I was in my early 20s my parents went through a rocky patch when it seemed like they were going to divorce. They didn’t and remained together until my mum’s death two years ago.
Years after this rocky patch my mum confided in me that my dad had been seeing someone else and that’s what had lead to their issues. I was pretty upset at the time and it caused a few relationship issues with my dad because I was hurt he betrayed my mum though we came close again especially after my mum passed.
Last week my auntie let slip in conversation that they women my dad had been seeing was actually one of my friends from high school.
When I spoke to my brother about this he gave the impression that we had known who they OW was for years but I’m sure I wouldn’t have forgotten finding out my dad was seeing one of my friends!!! He said that I wasn’t to bring this up with my dad or our other brother. He seems to think who the affair with doesn’t matter but I feel sickened that my dad would do this with one of my friends. I feel so upset and confused and like my brother isn’t even attempting to see it from my POV. AIBU to be upset by this?

No YANBU being very annoyed. But don't know if there is any point dragging it all up.

It's a tricky one. If your brother knew all this time, he might have thought you did too. How long ago did it happen?

Your mum seemed able to forgive your dad and move on. She has now passed (Sorry OP) and it might make things even harder for your dad to bring up something that she previously forgave at this point. It's awful and I can understand how it would make you feel, but I think it might be better to respect your mum's forgiveness.

Your brother has had time to come to terms with this news and you haven’t. Don’t let him dismiss your feelings. Take a few days to think it over and calmly talk to your Dad about it if you feel you really want to. What do you want to ask your Dad and what do you expect him to say? Do you think it would benefit you to talk to him?

To answer your question- YANBU, but I wouldn't bring it up.

No, not at all. I would be very upset. The question is do you feel badly enough to further rock your relationship with your Dad. Only you know. It may be that you might want to talk privately with him about it and then put it behind you. I can see where your brother is coming from but it isn't up to him to decide what you do. Tread carefully though, all your relationships could get a battering. Maybe counseling would help you get your head around how you feel

You have a right to feel how you feel and cope with it how you need to, but your brother has the same right to feel how he feels and cope with it how he needs to.

You may feel your Dad betrayed your mum or your family, but in fairness parents/partners mess up because they are only human. The fact they worked it out and got back together would tell me all I needed to know, that I should let it go and move on too etc. You have a right to feel hurt but if he has been a good dad in every other respect, then don't ruin your relationship over it.

Accept what happened, can't be changed and let it go. Talk to a friend/therapist if you need to but don't hold on to this as it won't do YOU any good.

Everything Lizadork said

Yanbu to be upset bit I think your brother is right, I don't think you should bring it up. Ultimately your mother forgave your father, the affair was between them and a marital issue, it's really none of your business and now your mother has died bringing it up will only cause your dad hurt, why bother? It will achieve nothing

It's not really about you or your brother though is it? What would be the point in making it about how you feel? Find someone neutral ie outside the family to talk to about it if you need to

Maybe off topic but I'm curious how old the high-school friend was when the 'relationship' began?

Dutch1e, early 20's.

OP, why is your Aunt bringing this up now?

It was between your Mum and Dad and they got passed it. I think it should be left in the past.

What was her motive for this?

Do you want to confrint your friend?

Do you want to upset your Dad?

What do you want from this?

But to answer your question, you don't really get to have a POV on this to the point that you want Family members to take sides and go confronting people.

Birdsgottafly my read was that the OP saw her parents go through a rocky patch when she was in her early 20s. That doesn't necessarily mean the affair began at the same time

YANBU to be upset at your Dad but YABU to be upset with DB.

YANBU to feel upset.

Your DDad and DB have had time to get round this, he does have a point about not bringing this up.

Your Aunt seems to be holding a grudge.