Stingy MIL

[Deckchair1009]

We’re a military family and have moved so many times in the last 4 years! We’re currently overseas. Whilst waiting to join DH overseas my MIL was always more than welcome to visit us wherever we were in UK, especially as my husband was away. Pre-kids, we went out of our way to treat her and gave her an almost top rate “hotel experience”. I’m talking soft towels, slippers and robes, toiletries and gifts.Now that I have 2 small children I am generally frazzled but still tried to maintain looking after her (pampering her) as much as before. Pre-kids (and since kids) I was quite annoyed whenever we would go out shopping that she would never shout a coffee or lunch and if we were in a supermarket, just put stuff she wanted in the trolley and never offer to pay. She is almost OCD in her own home (apparently was a nightmare for DH and siblings, they couldn’t sit on the leather sofa with jeans on and had to wipe the shower dry after use) yet she comes to our home and scatters crumbs (she loves toast) and leaves snotty tissues everywhere! If I ask if she wants something to eat when I’m making sarnies she will insist on something hot and cooked. She will never say no to food and I’m probably indulging her by seeing how much she can eat! She rarely cleans up and always puts her dirty laundry somewhere prominent, knickers on top! Ive told her that I will tell her when I am washing clothes and even shown her how to use the machine, but no, always the knickers on display, even if there’s a bunch of clothes (it’s usually just one outfit) Now we’re overseas, we paid for her to come and visit over Christmas, I hoped she would bond with my kids again. She just wanted to watch tv and go to bed several times a day!) The kids seemed to be an annoyance. They’d ask her to draw with them but she’d be too busy on Facebook and then go for a nap in bed unless they wanted to watch tv with her. She would always appear as soon as food was going to be served and insist on interrupting my meal so I could cook up something for her! Again, the crumbs, tissues and knickers everywhere!!! DH thinks she’s tryng for a reaction, but why would anyone want that and what is the reaction she wants? I have young children and am frazzled. I thought she’d babysit but she says she can’t cope (my kids are lively but well behaved) We didn’t have any romantic dates (she went to bed at the same time as the kids if she thought we wanted to go out) but I insisted she went out with DH so she would see some of the local culture. Worst of all, she didn’t even get DH and I Christmas presents! She had months to plan something, we bought her lots of gifts and the expense of the airline tickets plus a night in a 5 Star hotel. She’s recently come into some money (about 3k) even a little token would’ve been appreciated. She was like a little child on Christmas Day opening pressies. She told me she gave money to the rest of the family as she didn’t know what to buy them! AIBU to feel pissed off and disappointed?

Yanbu sounds like a pita.

I wouldn't be treating her any more. How rude and ungrateful.I don't know what you could say, but definitely don't be paying any more expensive air fares.

Honestly, take a step back and stop indulging her behaviour. Make a meal and if she doesn't like it leave her too it, if she wants washing done leave her to do it, ask her to put the tissues in the bin and stop buying her so much. You can still be kind without being taken for a mug. Good luck.

Have you asked her how she is? Seems to me like she’s going through something if all she’s doing is watching TV and sleeping.

Thanks, Disfordarkchocolate, you’re so right!

Two things stand out for me 1) that your giving her presents, offering food, not because you want to be generous to her but to see how she reacts - will she reciprocate? just how much will she eat? 2) you are frazzled with young kids, but you still want this older lady to babysit for you.

I'm not saying you're unreasonable, but it's clear you don't like her, so stop going overboard for her. Then she won't fall so sadly short of your expectations (there won't be so far to fall).

She sounds awful. I would invite her less and specifically refuse to make her special meals etc. If she wants something else she can make/ buy it herself. And very reasonable to ask her to stop leaving dirty laundery/ tissues around. Is there a laundery basket or bag in her room?

YANBU. I think you need to stop making so much effort. If you're making sarnies say "I'm making sandwiches if you'd like one" if she asks for some spaghetti instead I'd say - "we're just having a cold lunch but you're welcome to cook something - just pop the pots in the dish washer when you're done".

I would stop inviting her. And definitely don't pay for her (flights, shopping, nothing) and buy token Xmas gifts or stop buying altogatger.

Is DH on side?

Presumably if you don't pay for her travel she won't come to visit, sorted 🤷🏽‍♀️

Stop running around after her! She sounds self absorbed and a pain.

Very odd. Its almost like she reverts to being like a small child in your (+DH) company. But what reaction what she be looking for? I think you need to ask.your DH to elaborate on that one.

Did she bring Christmas presents for the children? My mother doesn't buy for DH and I but is generous with the kids.

I think your DH needs to step up. You need to stop paying her visits , or buy a tixket in lieu of gift. Before the next visit, tell he tells her, sorry no more waiting on you hand and foot. You can make your own tea, do your own wash and wipe your crumbs away. We are not a 5 star hotel - we have two young children to look after.

I say this and its meant kindly but perhaps you need to look at your own behaviour OP as there could be a touch of 'Foul mouthed Nan' about your hosting ie., but 'Can I get you drink? A slice of toast? Would you like a slice if toast, it's no bother? No, you stay there I'll get it'. In the kitchen you are moaning 'what a fucking liberty demanding tea and toast 24 hours a fucking day'

I seriously don’t know why you think I have high expectations or dislike her. I’m disappointed that I try my best and it’s not reciprocated. I came from a close family and I believe MIL had a similar background, I’ll always love her and do my best, but wanted alternative opinions for the situation. If someone had a similar relationship and can offer their insight, that’s all I ask! All I ask for is some reciprocal respect and be a role model for your grandchildren.

How old is she? I've found with my Mum she is getting worse as she ages. She likes to picked up when she comes to stay (involves me schlepping several hundred miles and taking a ferry to get her), and to be taken home. I run through lunch options, and she always seems to want the one that is most inconvenient.

I'll say I'm just about to washing for dh or ds, and she then wants hers done fairly instantly.

She has been picked up for Christmas, deposited with my db, then back to us for another week, then taken home, and she bought breakfast once. there was no offer to buy a chinese or a pizza as in previous years. My dh is beginning to feel taken for a ride! We are a military family too (or were til dh retired). Dh is still working abroad in the defence arena. hence why we are still overseas.

@KC225 not at all, I almost wish SHE was Nan! I just want her to be more helpful, I guess? Just fuss her own GC more! She’s very modern and beautifully dressed, loves to go out and have a laugh, maybe she’s just over the whole “kids” thing!

AllMYSmellySocks You’re right! I just want everyone to be happy but it’s a bit of a strain. I’ll be more forthright next time, although she told me her own MIL was horrible and a bully to her, so maybe that’s why I’m being super sensitive to her.

@scaryteacher she’s only 70 and a fit one at that. Saying that, she’s always been on loads of pain meds and although cutting down, maybe that’s why she’s so lethargic. I think it’s a case of her son not spoiling her as much since he got married. She defo plays up more when he’s around x

Stop indulging her OP...she’s taking you for granted.

In 20 years I've been married, my MIL visited us 4-5 times in total. We moved house 6 years ago and she never even came to see it. My son only got few presents from her when he was little and only IF he happened to be in her house on his birthdays.

The few times she did come to visit, I cooked a hot meal. She would turn her nose up and say she didn't want it or do nonsense like say she wanted plain spaghetti (just boiled) if I made bolognese.

So I do fully sympathise with you. Ignore if you can. You can only really change your own attitude to it. It's highly likely that she was a bad mother. Bad parents don't suddenly make great grandparents.

@tiggerkid thanks for your imput. I really appreciate your words and support. You are so right about changing my attitude, but I genuinely love looking after and feeding people when it’s appreciated and reciprocated x

@ scaryteacher she’s a very attractive and able 70!