To feel like I've messed up *trigger MMC*

[cheeseislife8]

Name changed, and sorry its long.

I am 31 and returned to education in September to train in the only thing I've ever really wanted to do... but now I'm scared I've made a big mistake with it.

DH and I TTC for a long time (years) and nothing. We were quite realistic about it and got to the point where we were thinking, fair enough if it's not going to work out for us. We discussed it and agreed that I would go back on the pill and get my qualification as potentially we could have tried for another decade without success, all the while with me being miserable in a dead end job... so I applied for uni (it's only down the road) and was accepted.

Easter last year, we were shocked and over the moon to find I was pregnant. I contacted the uni and arranged to defer my start date, they were great. But then I had a MMC at 11+6, which was utterly heart breaking.

We discussed trying again now we know it can happen iyswim but DH was firm that we aren't going to, and should stick to what had become Plan B.

So I started uni after all. I thought that to focus on something positive would be the way forward, but I constantly ache for my baby and can't move past it. It feels like I had that one shot and blew it.

Even if DH was speaking out of grief and does change his mind, I'm committed to this course now and it'll be too late by the time I qualify. I really want to do well and get my worthwhile career but my head and heart just won't cooperate.

AIBU to be feeling so confused and regretful when I've got this opportunity to improve my lot? I just don't know what to do.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I don’t really know what to say, except, it’s not too late. How long is your course?
I would say do what your heart wants as you don’t want to be full of regret.

I'm sorry for your loss, but please don't think you blew it. You didn't do anything wrong.

Why could you not TTC while doing the course? Are you able to take a year out if it does happen for you?

First of all, you haven't messed anything up.What happened to your baby was not your fault and nothing you have control over.

I don't want to do the whole 'you're still young' thing, but you do have time – and university courses can be deferred or delayed, as you've already found out. It might be entirely possible to take a year out mid-course and then go back to it. People can and do cope with unexpected pregnancies in a range of situations.

I think if children is something you're really set on, then you're going to find it difficult to accept giving up on that dream. The main issue seems to be not the university/career stuff, as that's manageable one way or the other, but the fact your DH either doesn't feel as strongly about children as you do or is still grieving and can't face trying again. If he turned around and said he would be happy to keep trying, would you let the university course be a hurdle? If not, I think if you have your answer.

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate that.

I think my main worry is because DH has unilaterally decided we aren't trying again I kind of feel a bit stuck. Its why I decided to go anyway, but now I'm here it's like it's made it more certain iyswim

Sorry, cross post. DH did want to while we were trying and while I was pregnant, it's since that he says he doesn't any more. I understand it and strongly suspect it's down to grief but he's such a stoic kind of person.

I'm so sorry for your loss - I had a MMC last year, and it was fucking awful (and affected me for a lot longer than I had been expecting, in my previous total ignorance about miscarriages).

I don't think it's too late, if you did decide you wanted to try again. I had an incredibly strong urge to get pregnant again after my miscarriage, and I don't think it's uncommon. You're still young (I had my first son when I was 31) and you've got time. That doesn't mean you couldn't start trying now, though, if you wanted to. How long is your course? If you get pregnant, could you maybe carry on studying through your pregnancy? If not, you might be able to defer part-way through (I don't think that's the right word, sorry - I mean take a break between, say, the end of year 1 and the start of year 2, or the end of year 2 and the start of year 3) - might be worth looking at your uni's policies on that sort of thing before giving up entirely on the idea. It might not be as either/or as you're currently worrying. I don't know what field it is you hope to work in after this course, but having a child before starting off in the new line of work might not be a terrible idea - for many jobs, it wouldn't be any worse for career progression than taking time out once you're in a job, I'd have thought.

Sorry it happened to you too Brussels. It's shit isn't it... but as for taking a gap in between years it's certainly something that could be looked into if needed ( I can't believe we didn't think of that ).

I NEED my DH to start talking to me about this stuff really. If I know where he's at then this whole thing would be easier

Yeah, I think that would be helpful - you can't really do it without him, after all! Good luck with the conversation - it's a perfectly reasonable thing to want to discuss, so I hope you find time soon. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out well for you!