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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that men follow the path of least resistance?

27 replies

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/01/2019 17:55

Why is this? Do they just want a quiet life? Even at the expense of their own happiness??

OP posts:
YetAnotherUser · 12/01/2019 17:56

In my experience I've seen just as many, if not more women who are less assertive in this respect.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/01/2019 17:57

Sorry YABU. To not give enough info and also to generalise half of all humans. If something has happened and you'd like to give some details then a lot of people on here will listen / offer sympathy and advice

Fatasfook · 12/01/2019 17:59

You can’t say such a sweeping statement about half the population and expect a satisfactory conversation

MrsTerryPratcett · 12/01/2019 18:03

Huh? Half the population of the planet do things the easy way.

Not in my house. DH is all about doing properly and I'll half-arse anything!

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/01/2019 22:03

Sorry, I should have been more specific. I have noticed that some men (not all) seem to go along with whatever their wives want to do, even if it's not something that they want to do, just to keep the peace and for a quiet life. I don't know many females like that. I don't understand why these men don't stick up for themselves ir for what they want.

OP posts:
linda30 · 12/01/2019 22:14

Hmm... I think you are noticing a selection bias here. The only "relationship material" men I have ever been with were willing to listen and put me first. I don't really get why would you like these men not to go with what their wives want. Seems a nice way to be to your significant other.

justilou1 · 12/01/2019 22:23

“Yes, Dear.... Whatever you say, Dear....”
Potters off to do whatever tf he wanted to do in the first place and claims he wasn’t listening....

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/01/2019 22:43

The example that I'm thinking of is a wife not wanting her DH to be friends with one of his mates who she doesn't particularly like. So he gives up this mate to keep her happy and for a quiet life. I don't think that's a good thing.

OP posts:
HildaZelda · 12/01/2019 22:51

I'm picturing Richard Bucket "It's Bouquet" here.

chipsandgin · 12/01/2019 22:54

I’d say just as many women are in equally dysfunctional relationships. Sex/gender is utterly irrelevant here - ‘some people’ would be better than generalising about half of the human race!

Hedgehogblues · 12/01/2019 22:57

Yes, because women never give up anything for men, ever...Confused

linda30 · 12/01/2019 22:58

I see where you are coming from but it sounds like inference on your part. My DH listens to my opinion, but I would never just forbid him from being friends with someone. This has never happened but if there was such a person I would more likely say how that person made me feel or if they were a negative influence and let him decide for himself. Maybe they are just considerate?

GroggyLegs · 12/01/2019 23:00

Most relationships have one dominant character who sets the agenda. It's just an extreme version of that I think, not a male/female thing.

CoffeeRunner · 12/01/2019 23:01

The men I know are not like this.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 12/01/2019 23:31

Are you the mate in question OP?

GemmeFatale · 12/01/2019 23:40

Technically, according to research, all humans are wired to take the path of least resistance, not just men.

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 12/01/2019 23:50

No it's not me. It's a male friend.

OP posts:
Fatasfook · 13/01/2019 00:59

So your male friends girlfriend is jealous of you so has asked him to dump you, and he has, and you ain’t happy.
These things happen! Move on!

thecatsthecats · 13/01/2019 06:14

I am a dominant, go getty type. All the things we do are driven by me making them happen. Husband takes seven million years to decide to do something, then another 3.5 million getting it done.

We complement each other. He reminds me that going at 100mph in life and perfectionism isn't actually important and neither is THE SCHEDULE. I keep us moving forward and push through his inaction. We both benefit from each other's personality types, even if we infuriate each other occasionally.

Henrysmycat · 13/01/2019 06:31

Depends. Could be all he bullshit blaming the wife to get rid of the friend. Seen that. Wife was none the wiser.
But if wife is the reason the “Mate dropping mate” is not just to keep the peace.
I’ve seen it many times and reasons were varied from the wife jealous of female friendship to the mate using the other like a cashpoint and wife put a stop to it or the time a mate was an incredible emotional drain to an already mentally fragile individual and partner put a stop to it or the mate that refused to grow up (and be safe) so the other mate’s partner put his foot down on the drinks, drugs and George Michael toilet trysts.

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 13/01/2019 09:15

My husband and this guy are best friends. New wife isn't keen for our friend to maintain his friendships and she's asked him to cut my DH loose. DH's friend is really upset but he doesn't want to upset his wife so he's going along with it. I just feel angry that DH's friend isn't putting his foot down. He says he's a coward and follows the path of least resistance.

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 13/01/2019 09:23

Hmm yeah that example is shitty, unless your husband is a twat/bad influence or something.
I do get what you mean, but in my experience the men seem to care less about stuff so just let the woman get on with it.

ApplesAndPearsStairs · 13/01/2019 09:49

My DH definitely isn't a bad influence. They're just normal guys.

OP posts:
Lushlemming · 13/01/2019 10:28

It's because in modern society men are universally vilified, both in the media and within domestic settings. Within the confines of an intimate relationship a man can commit at least a dozen criminal offences just by having an argument with their partner. The head of the CPS has stated publicly that the threshold for prosecution in relation to incidents of domestic violence, coercive or controlling behaviour, is nothing more than "a convincing narrative".

A woman can literally ruin a mans life with a single phone call. Take his kids, his house, even orchestrate a situation where by the man cannot see his kids at all.

This imbalance of power is very real and not something that a lot of women are willing to acknowledge. A good friend of my husband is currently living back with his parents and hasn't seen his kids morw than twice in the past year, his ex wife has ignored all contact orders, and when he went to her house after five months of not seeing the children, she called the police!

Yes, I am fully aware of how real domestic violence affects women, but that is a different debate.

Also men tend to be more analytical and concentrate on the outcome, rather than the process. So in a lot of cases they consider the circumstances and will decide that the issue isn't important enough to argue over. Their tolerance seems to be higher and they don't focus on little details like we do.

I look at it like this. One of my husbands best friends is a police officer. The guy comes across as passive and weak willed, if he was in a pub and some drunk idiot gave him the whole "what you looking at" speech, he would just walk away. Not because he IS passive or weak, just that because of his job, his tolerance is so much higher, and his confidence so much greater, that he just doesn't need to prove himself.

For men I think it's a combination of both issues. The fear of losing everything affects the more passive men, and causes them to remain meek and quiet. While the confident men see no need to assert themselves over what they see as trivial issues, so they do or say whatever will placate their partners.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 13/01/2019 10:49

apples

Your dhs friend and his wife are just being twats

People are twats at times, i dont think its a man or women thing

Dh would certainly not dump a friend if i didnt like them and neither would i...we also wouldnt ask each other to

As we are not twats

(In this situation at least)