To not make an effort with my dad?

[Posterbook]

NC for this.

Sorry its an essay but I'm trying not to drip feed -
I've grown up with an odd relationship with my dad, and on and off contact. The reason for this is my parents separated when I was very young, my mum had her own issues and was emotionally abusive, their separation was the most acrimonious that i've ever come across since (all on her side). I grew up with limited contact - 4 or 5 hrs fortnightly weekends, no overnights, and always with a grilling when I returned home. I was told over and over by my mum that the reason that my dad had left was because he'd pressured her into having kids then decided he didn't want us after all (I am one of four) . I grew up with my mum and her partner and the two of them were problematic binge drinkers, lots of issues with neglect etc. I don't have many photos of when i was a child but the ones I have are eerie to look at; our house was squalid (I didn't know better at the time) and I'm always very pale and worryingly thin, as were my siblings. I had a stammer, my brother had a nervous tic, it would have been obvious to other people that things weren't good at home. Things came to a head between my mum and my dad when i was 18 and I took my mum's side, i didn't speak to my dad for about 8 years. He didn't try and contact me at all during that time. I'd asked him to apologise and he refused, and I said that if he didnt I wouldnt' speak to him - he told me that that was my decision and that was that.

One of my siblings did always keep contact with my dad and after some pressure from him in my twenties (and after my mum had passed away - prematurely, due to alcohol abuse) i decided to re-connect. I wrote my dad quite a heartful letter about how angry I was and about him never being there. We met for a chat and he told me a very different version of events - that my mum had got pregnant early on and despite already having worries about the relationship that he had wanted to do the right thing AND always wanted kids, so they had got married and had more, but that it didn't work. When he first ended the relationship she attempted suicide so he went back. Unsurprisingly it didn't work so he ended it for good. He had attempted to gain custody (and had the court paperwork to back this up) but my mum threatened to kill herself and us if he took action and he felt the risk was too great so he walked away. He always paid court directed maintenance and he said the reason he didn't give more was because my mum claimed throughout as a single person, despite moving her bf in (who had a trade and earned good money, though didn't see himself as part of the family so his money was his, and went on drink). He remarried and had another two kids.
He said that the level of contact was always dictated by my mum and he had to do what he could so he didn't upset her further, even though he could see things werent' good for us. He talked about all the things that he had wanted to do that got turned down - holidays, trips etc.

I thought at the time I'd done a very mature thing, cleared the air and that we could start afresh. All my friends advised me that I would regret it if I didn't have a relationship with him, especially after losing my mum young, and I was hopeful that things would be better as adults.

Fast forward five years. Since the one conversation, everything went back to polite small talk and nothing was mentioned again. It feels he's so used to being passive that he makes zero effort, beyond nostalgic musings about how things could have been or what he'd like them to be. He's comfortable - he was from that lucky baby boomer generation where he got a house for peanuts and a job for life and retired in his 50s. He always talks about how busy he is, with a weary sigh. I have a very stressful job that i work long hours for, often unpaid. In the past I've worked three NMW jobs to make ends meet, which he knows. If i mention about being tired I get comments about how i wouldn't know what tiredness is (I'm too young apparently) or his most sympathetic is ' i know you're doing something you love' (anyone who works in the public sector will know why that sentiment grates!) If i ask to meet up I have to wait at least two months every time before he's got a free spot in his schedule (as weekends are SO busy). Yet I get texts every few weeks saying how nice it would be to meet and saying he know's i'm busy but 'I'd love it one day if...'
I realised recently that these texts are always sent on a saturday evening and I now suspect that I only get them when he's a bit tipsy.

For info, the busy life he has is hobbies that he has taken up since retiring, mainly gardening and DIY, and his busy weekends are dinner parties. The only actual responsibility he has is taking his wife (who is lovely btw) to see her relative who is disabled but lives in supported accommodation and is very independent (so its more of a social visit than a caring visit) He has one adult child at home who is pretty independent (working and saving for a deposit)

The thing that really got to me recently was when I saw him before Xmas (again, no effort to see me for Xmas, he was terribly busy, just saw him at an occasion for another family member) He knows I work with vulnerable people and he was making conversation and told me about a radio show where people were phoning in who were going to be spending Xmas on their own. He talked about how sad he felt about people who didn't have family at Xmas and how incredible it was that for some people Xmas wasn't a happy time.

He's made a fair few ignorant comments like that before, but when I mentioned it to DH when i got home he was pretty upset for me and told me how little he thinks of my dad (he has a lovely dad and i guess he can see the difference between dad's who do what they 'should' do and, well, mine) And the comment still niggles me. I'd never spent Xmas with him, and Xmas for me was always a frightening time due to the drinking, from the age of 14 I had part time jobs where I could opt to work Xmas for an excuse. I don't know who he thinks I spent Xmas with before I met my DH (I spend it with his family every year)

I cba making an effort to have an adult relationship with my dad. Deep down I feel I know that ship has sailed, and even though he's not an obviously nasty person, he's clearly lacking in the emotional insight/personal responsibility department. But a big part of me still wants to hope that I can have one decent blood family member, and I worry I will regret it as I get older if I don't. My sibling who has contact does seem to have a good relationship with him, though my sibling is quite demanding (eg asking for help with the house, with my niece etc) so they do see each other more.

So, AIBU to let this not terrible-but-not-great-either parent to drift out of my life, and quietly avoid questions from my sibling about it? AIU to feel that if he wanted this to work that the onus was on him, being the parent, to make more of an effort to rebuild?

I don't know if anything I say will be helpful. I am rally story for everything you've had to go through.

I have to say I'm inclined to respond the same way a your DH, so I'm glad you have him (your DH) in your life.

There is nothing I can see in your dad's behaviour that suggests he genuinely cares. I don't think your being unreasonable, and actually trying to maintain this one sided relationship seems to just be causing you additional hurt and harm.

Just because your dad didn't behave, and doesn't behave, like your mum and her partner it doesn't mean he's better. He's just different. In my opinion, he sounds quite manipulative. He tells you things to get you to stick around his life (so he can tell people about you? Tell them how hard he works to support you? Talk about how much he missed out on?) but has no intention of actually acting on them. Leaving you hurt and confused.

Only you know this, but I struggle to see what you're gaining here. Our parents are supposed to love and protect us, and we have this cultural expectation that "no matter what" we'll do whatever we have to in order to maintain a relationship with our parents.... But reality is different.

I do know the longing for your remaining parent to not be a selfish arsehole and to actually step up and make an effort, to show they care, to have any consideration for your feelings, or the impact of their actions... And to have to accept that will never happen, and that perhaps the only way to protect yourself from being hurt by them is to have no contact.

So I'm not suggesting it would be easy. But maybe what would help would be to recognise that you deserved parents who loved and protected you instead of neglecting you (materially and emotionally). If you're not expending energy on a source of so much hurt, you'll have space in your life for more relationships like the one with your DH.

It takes a lot to do all you've described in terms both of trying to build and maintain a relationship with your dad, and also in taking care of yourself each time he hurts you and reminds you of how he let you down as a child.

Everything he told you about his reasons for leaving as a child could be true. But that doesn't really explain how he could have seen the level of neglect you were experiencing and still did nothing. His story felt to me (in the context of everything you've shared) to be more about his personal image than reality. It felt a very manipulative thing to tell you, when he had responsibilities to protect you and didn't, and when after telling you he changed nothing.

Given how much he hurt you as an adult, I think you're overly generous in your description of him. If it were me, I'd be letting go of it and working on healing myself. As long as he's in your life, treating you like this, it will be an open wound that he keeps poking and prodding. There are lots of people in this world who aren't blood relatives who'll treat you so much better. Let yourself heal and make space for them in your life instead.

Take care

Thanks both for taking the time to reply. @anoukspirit I think you've really hit it on the head - I do think its more about how he wants to see himself, as this blameless dad and enjoying how he can talk about how much he missed us. I think that because my standards were so low for what I expect from a parent that I allow a lot more than i realise - I don't consciously give him an easy time, but for me a parent who cooks you a meal and offers to buy you a drink every now and then seems great, and I assume because he's not drunk/violent/threatening that he's a good person that I should make the effort for. And it was my DH's reaction that made me realise that my dad was being objectively insensitive (I tend to assume I'm over sensitive)
I think (for him) I've got a role to play in his naice little bubble where he has grown up successful children, when the reality is he had zero to do with that happening. And just because he tried once, thirty years ago, doesn't excuse his lack of effort since then. Two of my siblings remain NC and he has never once tried to do anything about it, just wrung his hands about 'respecting their choice'.

@ladybunker when I don't reply to his texts, he makes his own story up that I'm terribly busy with work etc or off having fun and I'm out all the time (I know this because he says it to my brother) Again I think he just likes having his own story for everything so it fits with his idea of blameless dad. The reason I got a bit suspicious of his interactions in the first place were because when he would message about meeting up, I'd respond the next day usually and not get an answer - which made me think he WAS only messaging me when he was tipsy and nostalgic, and in the cold light of day he wasn't really that bothered. When we do meet up he's warm and chatty and enthusiastic about things but I think as soon as I walk out the door he's forgotten that I exist. When I moved out of the area for a couple of years I didn't hear from him at all.

I really think he believes that he is terribly busy too, again i think its about him having an identity of a busy and important person. But I'm not and never have been a priority for him. The older I get and the more I spend time with my friends kids the more incredulous I get that whatever was going on for my mum, that he didn't intervene in some way. I know things were different in the 80's but still.

Have you thought about writing him a letter, explaining all this, and how it's making you feel?

I would do that first, to see how he responds. Then, if he still carries on like he is, you can walk away knowing you tried your best.

Also, you say your other sibling has more of a relationship, possibly because they're more demanding. I wonder if you're being fairly passive, and he's not pushing it because he's worried you want some space, so doesn't want to jeopardise your relationship, due to when you sided with your mum in the past. Like, when he says he'd love to do xyz with you, have you said you'd also love to, but he's always so busy with other things, and if he really did want to, he'd make time to do it? Call him out on it every time he says things like that?

Your mum threatening suicide gave him an excellent reason to give up on you all. And he even kept the court paperwork as proof that he tried

A father who loves his children and wants the best for them would not have given up that easily.

Your siblings have it right, one is getting what they can from him and the others are NC.