Relationships with friends after TMFR

[Mamaofdrama]

Hi ladies,

This is my first post after a lot of lurking 😂
I had a TMFR (for Down syndrome and a heart abnormality) June of last year (2018) and it’s still very raw.

I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and we are absolutely over the moon, but very apprehensive obviously.

Well.. I have a friend who is a couple weeks ahead of me and she is doing my head in!

It’s her first baby and she’s not stopped moaning about being pregnant (she feels so sick, her back hurts..etc)

And a couple of nights ago she text me saying “just thought you’d like to know our results came back and we’re low risk”

WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW THAT!!?

Are people just clueless, she always looks at me funny when I talk about the angel I lost, as if I should be.

I guess I’m just a bit sensitive

Oh god people are awful aren't they. Maybe she just lacks empathy and thinks you're in the same boat. I'm so sorry.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW THAT!!?

Maybe she thought that, having been through it before, you would be worried and would feel relieved?

PotteringAlong-

I felt it was more a rub it in my face, but again like I said I think I am being a bit sensitive x

It’s her wording. “Just thought you’d like to know....” I don’t know why but it sounds like a very strange thing to make a point of telling you when she knows what you’ve been through.

Yes, people are clueless but in my experience most don't want to deliberately cause upset. I think people tend to forget about other people's life events quite easily as their own lives are more important to them (which is understandable). I had a loss 3 years ago and took lots of time off work, and on return told my colleague what had happened so there would be an explanation to me potentially acting weird when people were discussing pregnancy related matters. She said she understood but after a few days started talking about her friends' pregnancies, foetal abnormalities etc, and she and a pregnant colleague invited me over one day to discuss the anomaly scan the colleague had the day before. They had no idea it might have upset me. I can see now that it wasn't their fault, but it was tough.

Having said that, some of my close friends have been pregnant recently and I'm always worrying about their scans etc, and really appreciate when they let me know how they get on. But everyone's different. Perhaps have a chat with your friend about it and tell her how you feel.

Also, I'm so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on the new pregnancy!

Maybe she thought that you as her friend having been through the trauma of a TMFR would be worried she might also experience this.

Yes 100% Wondertweek, I recently read a book about baby loss and it said something along the lines of “even if what they said wasn’t right it’s coming from the right place” Again I think I’m sensitive because we are so close in weeks ( and these weeks are a bit of a “trigger” for me maybe I’ll be less “bitchy” 😂.

I’m sorry I just needed to vent!

I pretty much stopped talking to everyone bar my husband for a good couple of months after our loss, and then when I reintroduced people into my life I definitely bitched about them constantly because they just didn't get it. Especially my mum. I love her to bits but everything pregnancy related she said wound me the F up. 😂It does get easier though! I got pregnant again 6 weeks after the loss and didn't tell anyone for months because I couldn't handle the pregnancy talk! Hang in there OP! 💪

WonderTweek, I definitely feel like that it’s very isolating isn’t it, funny enough my mum who I thought would be awful has been my absolute rock (after my husband of course, big hugs to you xx