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Original poster

to think I shouldn't have to pay for people at my wedding

49 replies

SaltAndPepper6 · 12/01/2019 14:18

....If I don't want them there in the first place?

There seems to be some unsaid rule that if you're getting married, you must pay for various people to have a jolly. I see my family maybe twice a year, and have a pretty bad relationship with them in general after how I was treated growing up. I wanted to elope but we felt it would have been unfair on my partner's family who have always helped and supported us. Money is tight so we decided on a registry office wedding with no reception - we will do something with just us two.

However, my family seem to think they are entitled to a knees up at our expense, and keep messaging me ask what I'm doing. They ask if I am asking blah blah and so and so (when I haven't even sent them an invite), as really, all they want is to go to a party and see other family members who I have no relationship whatsoever. I want to tell them to have their own party and pay for it themselves

I don't want to invite them at all, and I certainly don't want to pay for them. When I ask people for advice, they say it's something you just have to do when you get married. Why should I?

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 12/01/2019 14:43

I'd say it is just the two of you and not say when or where and then say that you are going to celebrate with your families on separate occasions. Arrange a night when they are invited to yours and provide a few drinks but tell them to bring alcohol in lieu of a wedding present. Put on a few nibbles.

Arrange a separate do for dh's family straight after the ceremony and do that more "weddingly". If you can get away with it then some of his family could come to the ceremony too.

MADASANOWL · 12/01/2019 14:46

Tell them your organising a registry office wedding to save costs for the honeymoon and that whilst his family have organised a celebration for themselves with you, they can’t be expected to cater for your family as well. Tell them they are more than welcome to do the same but it will be up to them to organise (and pay for) it and as long as it doesn’t clash with your plans/honeymoon you may attend to join them but no promises.

Yabbers · 12/01/2019 14:50

Tell them your organising a registry office wedding to save costs for the honeymoon and that whilst his family have organised a celebration for themselves with you, they can’t be expected to cater for your family as well.

Don’t do that. It puts the “blame” on to his family.

Just be honest. This is the wedding we want and the guests we want. If you don’t get on with them anyway, it’s nit like you are risking any relationship.

winsinbin · 12/01/2019 14:52

This is one occasion when you and your partner should please yourselves. If someone is going to be unhappy with your wedding arrangements it’s better for it to be a relative rather than you.

MortyVicar · 12/01/2019 15:00

Difficult if you’re involving his family, but not his.

I know what you meant!

It's not difficult at all. If the DP's parents are lovely, helpful and supportive, but the OP's parents were so bad that she chose to go LC (twice a year) because of the way she was treated as a child/teenager, then that's the difficulty solved right there.

OP your family have no say in this. You invite who you want - the people who love you, the people you care about. Your family aren't owed a huge party at your expense just because you share some genes with them.

I'm not saying this is necessarily a general rule for all weddings, but for yours - absolutely!

Pythonesque · 12/01/2019 15:02

The only parents entitled to have any say in who attends a wedding reception, are ones who are actually paying for it (as used to happen a lot). If you are paying then your choice full stop!

VickyEadie · 12/01/2019 15:02

When I got married the first time, we cancelled it entirely and did it just with two mates a few months later - precisely because of family pressure to invite x, y and z (with whom I'd had no contact for years).

You do what suits you.

krustykittens · 12/01/2019 15:08

When we got married it was a very small affair and was more friends than family, on both sides. If they were not welcome in our house, there was no way I was paying for them to be at my wedding! Two hideous aunts that hadn't spoken to me in years actually expected to be invited and have told my mother they are not speaking to me over the lack of invite as a result. I hadn't noticed! Grin Only have people at your wedding that you love and care about, OP, that bring happiness to your life all year round. You don't need anybody else.

Jaxhog · 12/01/2019 15:12

Nooooo! A party is entirely optional.

The only people who say it's something you just have to do when you get married are those looking for a free party.

My parents threw a party for me at their house (at their expense) when I got married. That's how it should work in mho.

Wauden · 12/01/2019 15:27

Just be aware that you won't get invited to a wedding party on their side again.
I do see your point

GREATAUNT1 · 12/01/2019 15:32

Tell these cheeky cunts that a marriage is between 2 people, it's your special day & you will be spending it exactly how you choose. We did a register office with just a few guests, went off to the cemetery to put my small bouquet of flowers on dead parents graves, had a meal for 2, went home to change … then met up with guests in a nice pub where we all bought our own drinks. We really enjoyed ourselves.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/01/2019 15:57

What is the issue here - just say no. You have who YOU want and no one else. We eloped abroad, which I agree, made the issue easier, but its YOUR wedding.

Gatehouse77 · 12/01/2019 16:01

People who believe it's just 'something you do' when getting married are merely speaking of tradition/precedent. Doesn't mean you have to follow it.

We did not have.a table plan.
We spread speeches out across the afternoon and kept them relatively short.
We didn't have a gift registry.
We didn't provide beer or spirits.

We, and our guests, had a great time!

PregnantSea · 12/01/2019 16:05

Whether or not you're expected to pay for people at your wedding really depends on the type of wedding, and they come in all shapes and sizes.

What you are describing here - quick and simple reg office type of thing - most definitely does not demand that put on a big do afterwards for lots of people at your expense.

Just send out your invites to the people who are invited, with no plus one, and if your family are disappointed then they can go and have their own party somewhere. Sod them.

DaysOfCurlySpencer · 12/01/2019 16:24

Best to just not tell them.
Have the wedding you want. Invite those you want there, don't tell anyone else. None of my family were told until after the wedding. We invited close friends and grooms family only.
No party, just booked a large table in a restaurant for afterwards, photos outside registry office and in a small park. Instead of gifts we asked for contributions to their meal if they wished.

MeredithGrey1 · 12/01/2019 17:22

Do it just how you want. We are having a simple registry office wedding, no wedding frills (no special dress, no flowers, etc) and having lunch in a high street restaurant afterwards. We’re inviting parents and a few friends but have had to be very firm on that because our parents are not happy extended families aren’t coming and want us to have a totally different wedding (big white dress, loads of guests, the whole shebang). But it’s our wedding, our choice. Don’t let them ruin a lovely day for you, if that’s what would happen!

LittleScottieDog · 12/01/2019 17:32

Don't feel you have to invite everyone. I have a large extended family (30-odd first cousins alone!) but only invited a couple of aunts/uncles and cousins to my wedding. Lots of the cousins have done this, as the whole family would mean around 80 guests, which would have doubled my guest list! No-one gets offended, it's just a money thing really. We still have a good time when we do get together.

If people don't talk to you for not being invited just ignore them. It's your wedding, do it how you want!

LanaorAna2 · 12/01/2019 17:42

Traditionally speaking, there should indeed be a party - as the bride, your parents should pay for it.

Surprise, surprise, your family forgot to mention that part.

Have a lovely day OP and don't you dare spend your hard-earned on tight, greedy relations.

EssexGurl · 12/01/2019 18:00

Meghan Markle only had her Mum at her wedding. Channel your inner Duchess. If she can do it, so can you!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/01/2019 23:46

I agree with just inviting who you're comfortable with.
I did invite one family member, even though I didn't really want to, because it would have caused SERIOUS ructions with my parents if I hadn't (and I like my parents!) but another one I put my foot down and said Absolutely Not. The one who came didn't cause any bother, we just don't get on - but the one who I refused to invite would have been a totally different situation.

My mother did try to guilt me into inviting that other one, but since we were paying for it ourselves, and not her, we were able to refuse. The one who pays calls the shots!

RomanyRoots · 12/01/2019 23:49

The mistake you made was not eloping, or telling them you were getting married/ or allowing them to believe they were invited.
I think if you do invite people to more than the church/registry office then you should be prepared to pay for guests.

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 07:52

Just do what you want to do. Lots of people have no fuss weddings and their relatives have to get on with it.

Enjoy your day in your own way. Maybe a meal out with your future in laws.

Congratulations and good luck!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 13/01/2019 07:53

Do what you want.

I didn't invite any of my dad's family as I don't speak to them.

We also didn't pay for anyone's transport, hotels or the bar in the evening which people were expecting from us!

ShizeItsWeegie · 13/01/2019 08:01

I would have the ceremony where my parents were invited but then have dinner out with my in laws and people I wanted there only.

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