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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect better from father of my 13 month old?

18 replies

Rosiebrown1 · 12/01/2019 11:38

Hi, I just need some perspective really and would appreciate any comments:)

Father of my 13 month old and I have been separated since baby was 10 weeks due to his drinking, domestic violence and other unpleasantries.

There have been ongoing problems with his care for our child during his access, mainly under feeding and so access is limited to 2 hours on a weekday evening and 4 hours on a Saturday day. He would ideally like baby overnight but I cannot trust him to put baby first and act responsively. He lies constantly.

He says baby isn't hungry when he has access, although baby comes home and guzzles milk and eats like there's no tomorrow..strange one.

A few weeks ago, baby came home with nappy on the wrong way?!?! Excuse was that he couldn't see what he was doing....

This morning he has collected baby in car. He put her in the car seat with the entry side of the car on the road, not the pavement. There were no restrictions on the road so there was no need for this at all. In my opinion it put her in danger. I had to stand in the road as a barrier against traffic and the car with her being loaded in.

He is in his 40's so we are not dealing with a teenager here.

OP posts:

Didntwanttochangemyname · 12/01/2019 11:41

I really don't think that's a problem, what do you think people with two children do?
The other stuff would cause concern, but not this.
Do you think you could be disproportionately pissed off about this because he's such an arse generally?

Kariana · 12/01/2019 11:43

How busy was the road you were on? If it was a side street with an occasional car going slowly then it's not ideal but I wouldn't see it as a huge issue. If it's a main road with fast cars then that's a bit different.

The feeding sounds awful though if he's not giving anything in 4 hours. Poor child!

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 11:44

The nappy thing isn't a huge deal. If he only has her two hours she can't be that hungry - is she coming back from the four hour access starving hungry? I can totally see why you're concerned given he's someone with a history of DV and drinking within 10 weeks of his child being born. I would keep a record of issues (don't mention the nappy as that would seem petty) but any issues where her welfare is at stake.

grinchypants · 12/01/2019 11:45

The nappy and the car seat I think are mistakes people make sometimes, it's not a purposeful thing.
My dh is a hands on dad and he's amazing, when dd was younger he put her nappy on the wrong way once probably too distracted trying to multitask.
I have had to tell him so many times about getting them in and out on the pavement side, he's only getting it and safe with it now. They think differently, they make mistakes.
Probably an unpopular opinion here but I think you have a child with a man who unless there are serious safeguarding concerns you will need to make it work with and being on his back for every mistake won't help that, he has to learn and it will take a lot longer than you get things right on a few hours access here and there. There will be little mistakes but how do you expect him to learn? Parents aren't just perfect and he has little time with this child to get used to things.

I'm not for one minute excusing the dv or any other part of your post, obviously for those things you need appropriate agencies involved and to seek help if you have those concerns, but the point about the car seat and nappy as isolated incidents aren't a big problem imo

Neverunderfed · 12/01/2019 11:46

Feeding is off, rest not so much

Original poster

Rosiebrown1 · 12/01/2019 11:47

Yes that's a very fair point and thanks for replying.. He does p*ss me off on every level!!;)

OP posts:

Chickychoccyegg · 12/01/2019 11:47

I wouldn't be bothered by the car seat thing, he also wouldn't be the first person to accidentally put a nappy on the wrong way round either.
I wouldn't be happy with the underfeeding though, would he agree to do a food diary so you can see exactly what she's had, or can you write down a guide to what she usually eats and when, if he wants to increase contact he might agree to this to build your confidence in him?
of course you're feelings towards him and his awful behaviour are going to affect how you feel about him looking after dd, but presumably he loves and cares for her too, it's a hard one for you to deal with

hidinginthenightgarden · 12/01/2019 11:51

Agree with others. The only real concern there would be the feeding issue. This is neglect.

grinchypants · 12/01/2019 11:53

@hidinginthenightgarden would it really be neglect if contact is only for 2 hours one day and 4 hours the next? Presumably baby is fed before and after contact so it wouldn't be neglectful if in that time they didn't seem hungry.

TheSheepofWallSt · 12/01/2019 11:55

Underfeeding- unacceptable if deliberate. Is it possible she’s distracted by seeing her dad, and would rather play than eat?

Nappy is a non-issue. DS has two or three times come home from nursery with nappy back to front, and his (non resident) dad has done the same a couple of times too. No harm done, just makes me

Car seat- not the best display of common sense but not negligent or actively harmful- if he’d tried to put her in the front, or had no car seat at all, Id say you had an issue.

I think that possibly more of note here is the fact that you clearly don’t trust him to care for your DD adequately- is it possible to have a neutral party or a family member familiar with your DD and childcare generally, attend his contact and help him get to grips with the routine of childcare?

Original poster

Rosiebrown1 · 12/01/2019 12:02

Thanks for replies:) I guess I could just be letting things get to me.. In October we agreed at mediation the current access for him: 2 hours on a weekday evening and 4 hours on a weekend daytime. He then announced we had agreed a whole day on a weekend?!?! I was forced to pay £150 by the mediation company to prove we had not agreed this, otherwise he was threatening to take her for the whole day. This was just before Christmas and I was left financially vulnerable. The mediation notes did infact prove he was entirely wrong.

When I mentioned this to him he just shrugged his shoulders and smirked at me.

So yes, he annoys me on every level.

OP posts:

Sugarplumfairy65 · 12/01/2019 12:04

I think you are being very unreasonable and just looking to pick fault.

redexpat · 12/01/2019 12:07

You need to be very smart about dealing with him. Only deal with him in writing. Keep all messages. Google grey rock and dont get drawn into discussions with him. Keep a diary of incidents. Incidently why did you have to pay to get the report? Why couldnt he have done it?

Original poster

Rosiebrown1 · 12/01/2019 12:18

He had to pay also (which he wanted to do because he thought he was right) & the mediation company has a policy to charge us both equally.... I was between a rock and a hard place: don't pay and then can't prove we hadn't agreed to him having a full day or pay and be able to insist he doesn't renege on the agreement.

Thanks for replying.. I am very careful about my communication with him in terms of keeping to texting and email as much as I can. He is an absolute monster of a liar and really controlling.

OP posts:

hidinginthenightgarden · 12/01/2019 12:33

Gringypants - yes. Choosing not to feed a hungry child is neglect.

Original poster

Rosiebrown1 · 12/01/2019 13:26

Hi, yes I had thought a food diary might work..its a really good suggestion and great for parents to learn from each other). I started one a few months ago and put it in her changing bag so he could read it. He seemed keen on the idea at mediation. Unfortunately after the fifth week, he still said he hadn't had time to read it or contribute. I kept it clear, short and concise but to no avail. I suggested photographing the pages but he wasn't interested. I great idea for others though I agree (thank you);)

OP posts:

bluegreygreen · 12/01/2019 13:51

Slightly off topic but...

Are we really saying a 13 month old can't / shouldn't go four hours without food?

When I was young there were regular mealtimes and very few snacks in between. Sometimes I do wonder if the current issue with overweight children has less to do with sugar in processed foods and more to do with the emphasis on snacking. I think some children never have the opportunity even to feel hungry which can't be good from a physiological perspective.

grinchypants · 12/01/2019 14:39

2 hours contact is really not a lot and 4 hours not much more. Maybe he is focusing his attention on actually bonding and having a relationship with the child.

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