Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Niece and social services

25 replies

blinkerss · 12/01/2019 10:22

I really need advice of to be there for my niece (Dh's brothers daughter)

I won't go into too much because social services are involved. But honestly it's bad. It's awful. Her mother is an absolute disgrace.

She's a teenager. She lives with her mother who has multiple children to different fathers.

Mother is appalling. She has lately been verbally and psychically abusive to her. She's just moved her latest boyfriend in and they have both kicked her out.

Niece is now staying with another family member. We are due to see her tomorrow. What can I do or say to be there for her? We are quite close but i want her to know she has me to talk to whenever she needs it.

She does stay with us quite regularly. I wish she could live with us but we just don't have the space and I have a disabled child.

I have no idea what the future is for her. Her mother thinks she's evil. I just see her as a mixed up little girl that's never had love from her mother (or father).

I'm thinking I could maybe take her out a couple of nights after school but it's all so hard with my family life and I've just had a baby.

My maternal instincts are just crying out to help her though.

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 12/01/2019 10:24

Where’s your BIL in all this?

Original poster
blinkerss · 12/01/2019 10:29

@Auntiepatricia not involved in her either. I've never met him. Dh hasn't seen him for years.

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 12/01/2019 10:31

What about her gp?

Original poster
blinkerss · 12/01/2019 11:36

I'm asking what I can do for her

OP posts:
Original poster
blinkerss · 12/01/2019 11:36

To be there for her and do something nice with her

OP posts:
Dermymc · 12/01/2019 11:39

Is there any way she could live with you at all? Even a shared arrangement where she lives 5 days with you and 2 with other family. She needs stability and people who care about her.

Does she have your phone number? Tell her she can talk to you anytime.

myidentitymycrisis · 12/01/2019 11:39

How old is she PP?

myidentitymycrisis · 12/01/2019 11:40

OP sorry

MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose · 12/01/2019 11:45

Would it be possible to set aside say every other Wednesday evening as a time to spend together be it shopping or the cinema or just tea and a bun. Time she knows you're setting aside specifically for her. If you say come round when you need to talk she might he afraid she's intruding.

myidentitymycrisis · 12/01/2019 11:49

Yes I was just coming back to suggest anything age appropriate and following her interests that involves 1:1 time with you. Going for a hot chocolate, Park, library, swimming, if she can come to you maybe crafts, baking etc. I suppose it really depends on her age and interests and the location.

myidentitymycrisis · 12/01/2019 11:51

Sorry I missed that she’s a teenager. Time to talk is important and not judging. Be available.

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 11:53

What kind of activities does she enjoy? Is she a home body? Would she like to come round to your house see the baby and your other child and just be involved in family life? Could she have a key to your home as a base for her to hang out in even if she didn't live with you? Could you just have a regular coffee date?

FeralBeryl · 12/01/2019 12:10

I'd say try not to get emotional and over promise time that you just don't have. This girl has been persistently let down and she will feel you are just doing the same if you can't honour your promises.
Can you do one evening/overnight every week? Could she come straight from school every Thursday, have her tea, see your kids, have a chat.
You can then do extra treats as and when (cinema etc) but she knows she's got that concrete day with you.
I'd also make sure she knows she can call you and talk if she needs to, but again with boundaries.
Does she have a phone? If you can, could you get her a cheap one so she could whatsapp you for support?
Also she's a teen, if you could afford it, I'm sure she'd appreciate a small shopping trip Wink is she older or younger teen?

Cranky17 · 12/01/2019 12:10

Could you commit to once a week but the same day, so she knew she was going to get a break. Maybe a take away and a bit of family time

Cranky17 · 12/01/2019 12:11

And maybe text her every other day so
She knows your thinking of her

MatildaTheCat · 12/01/2019 12:19

Don’t offer anything you won’t be able to sustain as that would read as another person letting her down (I’m not suggesting you would do this deliberately). It sounds as if you don’t know her terribly well so I suggest getting to know her better by inviting her over regularly for supper or something.

Try to find out about her interests and be generally interested in her life. Encourage her in her education. Have boundaries.

She may be quite difficult, be prepared for this. A hard and unloving childhood doesn’t necessarily result in a child who is easy to stick with.

But it’s lovely of you to want to help her. Start small and build up.

Original poster
blinkerss · 12/01/2019 12:19

Thanks everyone.

She's a young teen.

The problem is we live in a very remote place. I couldn't get her to school and bring her home everyday (she doesn't want to change schools) as I have my own dcs to get to school and as mentioned 1 is disabled. At least where she is now she can continue going to school.

I could defo commit to one day after school and she is more than welcome to stay on weekends.

I think a shopping trip is on the list as she hasn't got much stuff so will sort that.

And yep I'll take her to costa or somewhere after school once a week.

It's hard as we do have such a hetic life and like others say, I don't won't to say I can do something the let her down.

She has a phone but is worried it's going to get cut off as her mum will more this likely stop paying for it so will help her out there too if we can

OP posts:
Original poster
blinkerss · 12/01/2019 12:21

@MatildaTheCat oh I do know her very well, we are close. But she is very on edge at the moment (understandably) and I don't want to say or do the wrong thing for her

OP posts:
Original poster
blinkerss · 12/01/2019 12:22

I've been at blight a Nintendo switch game I know she will love that she can play when she comes tomorrow

OP posts:
user1498854363 · 12/01/2019 12:31

Op, consider a bathroom pack (sanitary towels, shampoo, make up, bathroom bits etc, hair bits etc) topped up regular, yes to helping with phone, zip card/ travel etc. Don’t make her desperate for cash, it makes her more vulnerable. Yes to regular visits/dinner/ sleep over and let her know you are there. Engage with school( who is helping/ going to meetings),college plans? Chat about life general. Huge support transitions to adulthood (bank accounts, NI details) is she getting counselling/ support?

Invite to family events Easter/ school hols, birthdays if you can.

Just be consistent
Good luck

Cranky17 · 12/01/2019 14:08

I think you sound a lovely and caring aunt and that will come through when you see her,

Original poster
blinkerss · 12/01/2019 14:23

Thanks for all advice. Much appreciated. I've just never experienced anything like this before that's all. Her up bringing has just been shocking and it's only coming to light now

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 12/01/2019 15:04

Also be honest with her. Tell her you haven't been as aware of her trauma as she may think, that she can now rely on you to protect her (collectively) that she is safe and loved. She can contact you for help or advice. But show her your life too and why it's impossible to promise more in case you let her down.
Reassure her about the phone - that is likely to be one of her main concerns at that age.
Once a week is great for a commitment, she will have other interests and teen type shit to do as well.
You sound absolutely lovely and I'm pleased she has you in her life Thanks

Ethel80 · 12/01/2019 15:13

Bloody hell, poor girl.
How about taking her for a drink and a chat. Say that you want to help and explain what your limitations are then ask her what she wants/needs from you? It might not be what you'd expect.

SchrodingersUnicorn · 12/01/2019 15:14

You sound an amazing auntie! What you've suggested in your previous post sounds perfect. Well done you!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.