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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to support DH

15 replies

Ultramic · 11/01/2019 15:33

NC for this. And I know I chould post elsewhere but I was hoping to find some hope/advice. Fingers crossed.

Found out this week my DH has a sperm count of just under 7 million. It's finally solved the question of why we haven't conceived in over a year. My tests have come back fine, I'm shocked as I was convinced it was me.

DH is gutted. He already takes lots of vitamins (folic acid, vit C, Omega 3), doesn't smoke or drink, doesn't have hot baths or wear spandex, and he is active & healthy weight etc.

So, my AIBU - I'm finding it really bloody hard to cope with his bad mood as well as the probability we'll never conceive. I keep crying when he's not in the room. And I'm not a crier.

How can I support him, when I'm devastated too? :(

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2019 15:38

I think this is one of those cases where although it's bad news about HIM it's something that affects you BOTH.

You need to support each other. He needs to snap out of his 'bad mood'. It's fine to be disappointed, and it's fine to be upset, but being angry won't help anyone.

Maybe he feels he's let you down? Be kind to each other. Sorry to hear your news. Flowers

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 11/01/2019 15:40

I'm sorry for what you're going through Flowers

You're both perfectly entitled to be upset. The important thing is that you take care of each other and don't take your sadness at this news out on one another. Easier said than done! You're both devestated, of course, but your DH has the added anguish that comes with being the one who feels 'responsible' for the problem. That's really tough as even though he knows rationally that it's not his fault, he will be feeling pretty guilty and inadequate right now. I suppose just remind yourself that you would be feeling the same in his shoes, make sure he knows that you don't resent or blame him. He will be dealing with his own sadness plus feeling awful that he can't give you something he knows you desperately want.

Branleuse · 11/01/2019 15:46

I would imagine thats still plenty enough to be successful with some fertility help isnt it?

What is it he needs support with? What about you? Sounds like you need a handhold x

Original poster
Ultramic · 11/01/2019 15:50

The first thing I did was tell him I loved him, and said that I was really relieved to have an answer, and how great it was that we knew a bit more after having all these questions. I played it down and said wow, seven million, that's still seven million chances! But we both know it's bad news.

Quietly my heart is breaking.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 11/01/2019 15:58

i think its interesting that youre wondering how to support him when hes being in a bad mood and this is just as hard for you . Is he supporting you

Stuckforthefourthtime · 11/01/2019 16:02

As a pp said. Is he feeling the same about you? Of course it's a double whammy as it's his issue also - but like others say, it will affect both of you. Eel

Updownleftrightstart · 11/01/2019 16:05

Honestly, 7 million is really not bad. Less than 10 million tends to mean you take longer to conceive, but a count of 7 million is nowhere near the realms of you never being able to conceive!

A friend of mine was devastated when her husband was tested and had a count of less than 1 million. She was told she was too young for any fertility treatment on the NHS even though they had been trying for 18 months. But not that long after they conceived a little boy and then less than a year later a little girl.

Your husband has a count 7 times better than his! Although the count is low, what's the volume/morphology/motility like? If they are all ok that can help make up for a low count.

Original poster
Ultramic · 11/01/2019 16:18

Updownleftrightstart thank you so much for your post, that's amazing :) certainly a little bit of hope, then?

His were: volume 3.2ml, 2% 'normal forms' (it should be at least 4%) and motility (rapid progressive) is 28% (should be >32%). 51% non-mobile, the rest (I presume) were swimming in circles.

I'm just getting my head around what it all means, but seeing it all through a rather bleak filter at the moment.

OP posts:
Ooogetyooo · 11/01/2019 16:32

How old are you both?
This was us years ago. Both 30 and I was convinced the problem lay with me. We were completed gobsmacked to find it was dh. His was low motility. Tried ivf. It failed. Conceived naturally 8 years later. It can happen . Equally it may not and it's a tough road to travel.

Original poster
Ultramic · 11/01/2019 16:42

I'm mid 30s and DH is mid 40s, we've been trying for a long time. Thank you so much for your success story :)

I had PCOS when I was a teenager and had various health issues (though healthy now) so we both just assumed it was me. Doing his test was just to keep the doctor happy.

Gobsmacked is about right. Never thought it would be such a roller-coaster.

It's the not knowing. It probably sounds ridiculous but at the moment I almost wish it was a definite 'never, ever, ever going to happen' rather than a 'probably, most likely, won't happen' so I could begin to mourn the life I thought I'd have and try to positively carve out another one. Sounds stupid I know.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 11/01/2019 17:08

There are other supplements he can take like zinc, can you get specialist advice from someone like Zita West?
It's not great news but my friends dh had very low sperm and they had icsi and has three dc now

Original poster
Ultramic · 11/01/2019 17:31

I'll look up Zita West :)

OP posts:
Cwtches123 · 11/01/2019 19:57

My exdh and I had fertility investigations, I vividly remember us being given his sperm test results.........his was zero.
With zero there is nowhere to go, if he is producing sperm then you do have options.

Topttumps · 11/01/2019 20:08

We had similar issues op. We were offered IUI. but conceived naturally before treated started. We were recommended zinc., loose underwear and no hot bath. No ide if this is valid.
We now have 3 dc. One unplanned so good luck op.

Original poster
Ultramic · 11/01/2019 20:21

I'll get zinc right away for him, and I've been Googling everything too.

Maybe there is a glimmer of hope. Thank you x

OP posts:
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