Birthday

[snapped1234]

I have just got totally overwhelmed and mad at my husband. I need to see if others think I'm being unreasonable.
I am a first time mummy - long awaited baby - he was born in large may - my husbands birthday was early June - I was 2 weeks post baby but still did all I could to make it special. It wasn't about the gifts or money etc but i had the baby wear a happy birthday daddy outfit, breakfast in bed, personalised card, a daddy mug and some balloons etc. We don't normally go all out but it was his first as a dad etc.
Yesterday was my birthday - the baby was up at 4am and my husband went to the spare room to get some extra sleep. He eventually came down stairs at 8am and wished me happy birthday. He then gave me 4 gifts wrapped in brown postal paper. I post a lot of stuff on eBay - and he had just used that. It wasn't decorative it was just in brown paper. He got me a new dressing gown (don't need one, already have 3!!) and some bath bombs.
My heart feels so bruised. I am currently on maternity leave and do everything for my son - being a mum was really important to me and I just feel gutted that I've got some generic shit and nothing at all thoughtful.
We've had a massive argument about how he doesn't make any effort - I didn't even get a coffee this morning.
I do everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, holiday planning, child care and I just hoped for one day I would be treated well. AIBU and acting like a child ?! It's genuinely not about money etc- i just feel like there was no thought put into my day :(

*late may not large may!

I do everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, holiday planning, child care and I just hoped for one day I would be treated well.

If you do that the rest of the year, without telling your husband to do his bit, then why on Earth would it be different on your birthday.

You can’t put up with him not pulling his finger out the rest of the year, then magically expect it to happen just because it’s your birthday.

I suggest letting things cool, when you’re both calm explain why you feel he was thoughtless. Tell him if you think he should do more of the mental load, because if you carry on ‘expecting’ someone who’s obviously getting it easy on the mental load to suddenly just ‘pick it up’, you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment.

You're BU about the wrapping paper, brown postal paper is totally recylable (sorry that spelling looks wrong) and I think we should do away with pretty wrapping paper

The other stuff, well tbh I think you're BU. Women (usually not every relationship) make more of an effort on birthdays etc and men just don't think about all that

However, from my short time on mumsnet I believe I'm probably very laid back in not expecting loads from my husband in terms of "material things" as I see lots of these kinds of posts so I'm sure most women will probably say he should make more effort

I would be a little annoyed. My DPS first father's day as a dad got him some daddy items. Mothers day I got nothing. However, my mil Bought me some choc and an orchid!
DPS 1st birthday as a dad did a handprint card and got some item with daddy on. My 1st birthday as a mum, I got nothing, dp felt bad and went out with ds cane back with a carf at least

men just don't think about all that

Unfortunately men are trained from a very young age to think that it’s not something they should think of. They grew up seeing their mummies sorting out all birthday related stuff, pander to silly ideas that ‘men don’t think about these things’ and continue it with their wives later in life. How many posts do we see on MN, not just about men not being thoughtful on birthdays/Christmas, but also leaving their partner to sort out his side of the family over these things? It’s not that they are incapable of doing it, women aren’t genetically programmed to know how to do presents better, they chose not to bother and people just go ‘ah that’s what menz are like’, so the cycle continues. Until someone tells them it’s not good enough.

My DPS first father's day as a dad got him some daddy items. Mothers day I got nothing. However, my mil Bought me some choc and an orchid!

Thank you for providing evidence for my previous post.

Did he get you a card to mummy from your child? That would be the most important thing to me.

I think yes, YABU to be honest. Dressing gown and bath bombs suggest he's wanting you to relax a bit. He knows you do everything. So stop and let him take some of it on.

Go run a bath and take a book in there with you!

It was my birthday yesterday too, my first as a mum, my husband got me a card from him and a separate card from my little girl with Mummy on it, for me that was enough, I don't need anything more, I'm not writing this to undermine your feelings OP just to say my experience. Happy Birthday for yesterday xx

Maybe I have over reacted. I don't have any family of my own and this first birthday with my own proper family is so symbolic after so many shit ones. I feel bad but I was so upset that it felt I wasn't thought about

I told my husband I'm not doing a big effort for him now. Onesies personalised for father's Day and birthday and balloons and loads of dad gifts, I got nothing for mother's Day and ended up buying my own Birthday tea becuase he said he couldn't afford it ... I was on maternity and he managed to afford a night out later in same pay packet for his birthday... (The arguments for that one were HUGE). I have just given up and at Christmas I just said what I wanted very specifically... (I think the guilt of his crapness came through though becuase I got what I wanted and a long letter about how appreciative he is and a spa day on top of what I wanted). I think just say what you would like and you might be surprised like I was! Also sorry he was useless for your celebrations, I know how it feels

I do everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, holiday planning, child care and I just hoped for one day I would be treated well.

Why? Why are you doing absolutely everything? Let me pull his weight and chill out a bit. However this is a separate issue to the birthday thing.

I understand you're annoyed at his lack of thought, but it's not as if he forgot it entirely. Agree with other posters; most blokes just aren't wired to understand the effort that can be put in.

PS: Happy birthday, hope you salvaged a nice day out of it.

@Feb2018mumma thank you - it's hard to word it without sounding grabby - but I just want to be thought about and appreciated

See, my DH wouldn't necessarily see that any of that was 'wrong'. He bought a gift that he put thought into even if it was way off the mark from my thinking. So we rarely exchange gifts now. He does, however, show me in other ways how thoughtful he is. They tend to be more practical things but not exclusively.

That doesn't take away from how it made you feel. I would try and bring it up with him at a later date when emotions are quite so high.

See, I know my DH wouldn't think about Mothering Sunday when it comes around, so I am going to be very open and tell him I expect at least a card from our newborn DS.

I was due over Christmas and he got me nothing, not even a card, saying DS was his present. I let him open the 4-5 gifts from me anyway

The birthday stuff is a bit thoughtless but I think not doing anything for the house or his baby is worse. Does he really do nothing?

He needs to set an example to the children about how they treat their mother

So at least cards cake and thoughtful gift - in nice paper!

Took some time and no effort for his birthday to ‘get’ it

Good luck - those saying you age being grabby? Unless we start stating what we want then there’s no chance of getting it is there?