AIBU to not send nc nieces and nephews Birthday gifts?

[TheOrigFV45]

My sis has decided to go NC with the whole of her family. She has also stopped her children having contact with their cousins.

I have tried to do the right thing - drop her emails, txts, hand written letters etc. No response. I am in touch with a friend of hers who tells me that sis is OK.

During all this I have always send her kids Birthday cards and gifts. No acknowledgement they've got them, or even if they've arrived, never mind a thank you.

I know this is not the kids' fault, but I just feel like I am going through the motions sending gift cards time after time.

FWIW, my kids have had nothing from her in years. Yes, it matters to me.

So WIBU to just send a card and not a gift card? Is it hypocritical to do the 'right thing' or because they are kids I should be the adult and carry on despite?

She clearly want to be NC. I'd just stop. How do you know she is even giving them to the kids?

What are her reasons for going NC?

I think your sister has made the decision to go NC and you have to respect that. Send her and the kids are final letter and tell them your door is always open for them if they want but for now, you're respecting their wishes.

Stop sending cards and gifts. Your sister doesn't want to hear it.

We don't know if the kids get them.

She has some MH problems and periodically goes NC. She is very, very clever and sadly her MH issues manifest themselves in very ugly ways (manipulation, lying, stealing). I am understanding to a degree (as I said I've done the right thing for some time now), but I also have feelings.

I was in a similar position with one sibling. After the first time of no acknowledgment that gifts had been received I stopped. I found it quite upsetting to stop though as I had no issue with my nieces and nephews. However I wasn’t to know if the gifts were being received by the children or received and chucked in the bin

I'd just do cards.

I have sent cheques when aged 18 (but I could comfortably afford it at that point too iyswim, if it had been in anyway difficult I would have just sent a card and good wishes!) and to my surprise got thank you cards. Which never happened for the little gifts to babies and toddlers I had sent for the first few years. So sometimes the children do grow up with better manners than the parents.

That's a good way to put it starry - that I respect her decision to go NC.

I suppose if you were to send cheques you would at least know if they had been cashed

Respect her decision and stop. Her children arent going to be bothered about cards and presents from people they never see. When she's ready she will let you know.

Maybe save up a fiver for each gift missed. If /when you do catch up with the dc they will know they weren't forgotten. Hardly their fault that they aren't seeing you.

I would just stop.

People are entitled to go NC for whatever reason. You would be if you had your reasons. Your sister has hers. You have to respect that.

I’ve been NC with my DSIS a couple of times but I’ve always sent my DNs birthday and Christmas cash. It’s not their fault I don’t agree with their mums choices.

It might be different in my case because the DN were 10, 13 and 17 when we went NC and I had a close relationship with them.

Just send cards. Telling them you are thinking about them.

I'd just continue with a card.

How old are the children? Are they on social media? Perhaps when they're old enough you can contact them that way and let them know that they are always welcome.

My parents have been NC with my DF’s brother and wife for a long time. Every time they sent us a card for birthdays and Christmas it felt like another way to have a go at us after some pretty horrendous behaviour. They just always seemed threatening like they were saying ‘we know where you are’.

I know it’s not the same as your situation but it might be that receiving them causes stress and upset.

If her NC is cyclical, I’d say be patient and respect her choice. You might even find that in not receiving them your DSis will be more open to getting in touch.

The children are 7, 12, 14, 16

I was in contact via social media with all bar the youngest, but that's been stopped - either by them or their Mother.

I have sent a card. It's a good idea to put aside what I would have given them (or a smaller amount in a pot) to give at a later date. It's not their fault, but I don't want to be taken for a mug if they are not even getting what I've been sending.

There have been long periods where she's been nc and then would pop up all cheery a couple of weeks before one of her kids' Birthdays, or her own, almost as if to be sure we'd send something. Then she'd disappear again. Ugly.

As adults they may seek you out op. Would likely mean a lot to know you had them in your thoughts. And maybe a little nest egg would go a long way.