Aibu to ask how to move our relationship forward

[whyhaveidonethis]

DP and I have been together in a serious relationship for 15 months. We live apart and 140 miles away from each other. I have 3 DC here who live with me and he has a DD who lives with her mum round the corner from him, both of us have good relationships with DCs other parent and Co parent together.

I own my own house that I love and he rents a house that he can't really afford as he pays a lot of child support (rightly so). Only my eldest son has no father around and so only has me.

I have a job that I can do pretty much anywhere in the country and he has a job that he has the opportunity transfer to near me.

The problem is that his DD is only 12 and he doesn't really want to move 2.5 hours away from her which I understand, and I can't move 140 miles away as all my children are in education here plus their dad wouldn't allow it; we have joint custody and he would oppose me taking them away.

My DP has said he will apply for the transfer but he's not sure if he will accept it, as he doesn't want to have to drive 140 miles each way to see his daughter each week. I get this totally but also, I'm driving up to see him at least once a week and as he hates driving its likely to continue to be me that drives up all the time.

We could move somewhere in the middle but that puts us smack into London where we can't afford to live.

We just don't know what to do. I feel its much easier for him to love as he has no mortgage, and his DD doesn't live with him so he's not upsetting her education etc but I can totally see his point as I'd hate to leave my kids.

Anyone got any ideas as to what we could do?

I feel its much easier for him to love as he has no mortgage, and his DD doesn't live with him so he's not upsetting her education.

Is there a chance that if he does leave and move in with you this could lead to a huge amount of resentment? If there is, I wouldn't move forward with the relationship. The potential for damage to the DC is huge, here, and whilst it might be easier on the surface for him to move to you, how will that impact on the DD he's lived around the corner from?

Ultimately one of you will have to uproot your lives for the other. I know that I wouldn't move my DC for a man, and wouldn't expect a man to uproot his own DC for me. Doesn't leave a lot of room for manoeuvre.

Why not carry on as you are, seeing each other when you can. You both sound like nice people, good parents and it is right to put your children first. You can have some breaks away together and really enjoy what time you have.

When your partner's daughter & your children are older, you can reassess the situation.

Try to be content, you have a lot more than many others and living together 24/7 is not always all honey. As things stand, you can have the best of both worlds.

idontbelievein nailed it.

On paper it might seem ‘easier’ for him to move but that’s a very simplistic view. In reality there are lots of complex emotions involved. How will he feel seeing your dc most days +/- parenting differences and seeing his dc infrequently? How will the guilt impact things? Are you ready for that dynamic? How will your dc feel? What about the fact that his dd will be 140 miles away and ‘hates driving’? Where will contact with his dd take place, do you have room for her? Does she know your dc?

It’s actually very complex, so much to think about. You both have a lot to lose.

I wouldn’t change a thing for now. 15months is a short time in the circs.

I would enjoy all the perks of living apart and see how things go.

I think either of you moving is so risky there is a lot to lose, why don't you agree easier ways to get together, for example it is not fair that you do all the driving so can he not train it to you on alternate weekend when childfree?

Or could you afford to do a monthly hotel treat weekend once a month half way?

Carry on putting your Dcs first.

Thanks for all your replies. It's so difficult. The trains are super expensive so unless we can book in weeks before it's not really a viable option. I travel a lot for work so often just detour to see him and it is OK but as he works shifts and I'm away a lot it just feels impossible at the moment.

I certainly don't want to pressure him into doing something we will both regret, but we both do want to move in together. I just spoke to him and he seemed so low about it all. I don't really know what to do.

My youngest is only 8 so waiting until they grow up just seems forever away, but it looks like we are going to have to. I have no doubt we will make it work somehow but I was hoping that mum'snet might have noticed some obvious thing I hadn't!!

I wouldn’t move so soon.

Also raised an eyebrow at you doing most of the driving sage doesn’t like it, and wouldn’t want to ravel to see his DD yet he’s perfectly happy for you and your kids to do it. That would make me hesitant

I'd hang fire a while and enjoy what you have

However I wouldn't be doing all the driving.

He's not going to like a 300 mile round trip every week to see his Dd either

Carry on driving and tell him he has to equal number of trips to you. If hes not willing then he's not really the right guy is he?

Far too early to consider screwing with either of your kid's lives. You're practically still dating ffs.

TBH, find someone who lives nearer you and/or doesn't have DC. Or just enjoy this for the time being without being in such a rush to 'move it forward'. A partner should be an enjoyable add-on to your life, not extra work and stress.

I was in a similar relationship, 150 miles distance, and we broke up in the end because it became clear that neither of us was going to be able to move for at least 10 years.

15 months really isn’t a long time to make such a huge move, especially as you don’t get to spend much time together because of the distance (if he lived down the road you’d have seen a lot more of him in those 15 months so would have a better idea of how things really are between you when you spend a lot of time together).

Neither of you can move for a few years, that’s how it is. It would be very unfair on his dd for him to leave her, and like you say you can’t move. It’s frustrating but you’re going to have to carry on how you are, or end it and try to find someone nearer.

Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man or at least many years? Are you genuinely happy with the set up the way it is and with him? If yes to both of those, you will have to accept this set up at least for the next few years until his DC has grown up.

It would be much easier for him to move than for you to logistically speaking but it isn’t fair asking him to move so far from his DC. There’s no real compromise here, you’ll have to either wait a few years until his DC has ‘flown the nest’ so to speak or split up and find someone more compatible.