My XH would call me names. I was council estate scum. Worthless. Pathetic. Useless. A fat cunt. I’d never get the house from him because he knew my council estate scum family would move in (house was in both our names). My depression would lead to me being homeless because I’d lose my job and then my friends and then the house. No one really liked me. He wasn’t my slave, my lap dog. I wouldn’t ever control him. Etc etc.
He used to wind me up with these things and make me cry and then film me crying. Taunting me that I was a psycho. That it was video evidence of that I was mentally ill. He was going to show my friends and family and the police and I’d be shut away because I was mental.
A month before we married it started to really escalate. But I couldnt walk away because he was always sorry and y’know, we were getting married and had spent a lot of money.
He’d gaslight me. Make arrangements wit me to go out for the day. Then use all the hot water getting ready whilst taking hours and act like I was unreasonable when I complained I was unable to get ready and didn’t have time. He’d tell me that no arrangement had been made and I wasn’t his keeper. I didn’t own him.
I used to sit at home when he was fuck knows where. I was like a shell of a human. All traces of my personality had been removed. I was like a little agreeable mouse. If you met me now you wouldn’t believe that I had ever allowed anyone to treat me like this.
I walked out 6 months after the wedding with literally nothing. Everything was in my name, including the credit. I walked with less than nothing. He was starting to get physical and, at 6’ 4” and built like a brick shit house, I realised he’d probably kill me if I stayed.
But I grew a back bone and refused to continue to contribute to the mortgage and bills. I had my own rent and bills to pay and he had a lodger paying half of everything yet wanted me to pay half too. Even though he was sat on a sofa I was still paying for, watching a TV I was still paying for. All because he needed those things to keep the lodger happy.
We eventually sold the house at a loss and it turned out he had sold all of those things I was paying for. He had the audacity to ask me for mortgage money. He was having a baby and couldn’t afford it. I said if he’d allowed me to keep those items and sell them to pay the credit then I’d have been able to contribute but he couldn’t have his cake and eat it. He soon shut up when I was finally standing up for myself and not taking his shit.
A year after I walked I met a guy online. Not really my type. Didn’t come across particularly well in his messages but I thought “fuck it”. I’d had a few unsuccessful dates with guys who were perfect online but awful in person so I decided to try a different approach.
It took a while to understand that the New Guy didn’t literally worship the ground I walked on. Well... he does but at the same time I wasn’t used to being treated exactly like a partner should be treated. It took a long time to accept I was worthy. That I wasn’t scum.
6 years later me and New Guy are insanely happy. Absolutely equal loving partners, married and having our first baby. We don’t argue or have conflict. We have a happy, chilled home and we make each other happy. It’s not all roses and romance, it’s hard work and we damn well make an effort everyday. He’s literally the best person I’ve ever met and I honestly don’t feel worthy that I’ve found him. I know how lucky I am.
But I also know that if it wasn’t for how badly I’d been treated by XH I know I’d have not appreciated my loving DH for everything he is. It took me reaching my absolute bottom to truly understand what I wanted and needed and exactly what I would and wouldn’t put up with in life.