Feeling angry, please help me understand why someone would do this *warning abuse related*

[FloofenHoofen]

I've previously posted about my situation over the last year.

As a child and teen my dad sexually abused me. There were many elements to his abuse, such as neglect, starvation, emotional and mental abuse but obviously I cannot report these things now it's too late.
So I decided to finally report him for the sexual abuse last year, I had to help search for the other girls he had sexually abused over the years also.

The investigation was a very long one, 3 A4 binders full of information of different incidences, this meant that CPS could not accurately decide what charges were to be made, it was referred to senior council whereby it's now been concluded that out of the 26 offences he is being charged for 7 across 3 victims, including myself.

I recently got in contact with a friend who helped give her account, to thank her and to update her, she told me that a lady who lives on the same street as my dad (and who is friends with him) has apparently gone round telling everybody she doesn't believe it.

What's funny is that her daughter told my sister that he made her watch porn when she was 15. When the police came to speak to her, she denied it, I feel that her mum had possibly made her deny it, or somehow convinced her it couldn't possibly be true.

AIBU to feel incredibly angry that someone would go round trying to convince people he is not a peadophile? This woman has not walked a mile in my shoes and has no idea the trauma it has left.

I actually can't believe people haven't woken up to the fact that even the kindest and most helpful of people can possibly be the most sinister person behind closed doors!

I keep trying to forget what I've been told but I'm so pissed off.

I don't have any advice, or anything much to say- just that I'm really sorry you had to go through something quite so awful

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I think that some people would prefer to turn a blind eye and pretend everything is fine, than admit that the person they know isn't who they thought they were. I know it's probably not a consolation and it won't repair your past, but the truth is out at last about your paedophile father and there will be many others who can see him for the monster that he really is.

Maybe it's the daughter who is fuelling the lie? I was sexually abused as a child and throughout my teens I would have denied it to the point of turning it on others, I was ashamed and didn't know how to deal with my feelings and the easiest form of defence is attack. I have dealt with it now (it's been to court etc) and can talk about it openly when asked but not everyone can.
I'm not saying that is the case but maybe it's not as black and white as it seems.

I actually can't believe people haven't woken up to the fact that even the kindest and most helpful of people can possibly be the most sinister person behind closed doors!

I get why you're angry. It's frustrating.

But most people are driven by a need to feel safe, and accepting that abusers can appear to be charming, friendly, "normal" people on the outside but do despicable things behind closed doors makes people feel afraid.

People want to believe that they could spot an abuser at fifty paces because they all look like monsters. Accepting that it's more subtle than that is frightening. So people refuse to accept it. I understand why you want them too, but most won't. Not easily.

What she's been doing isn't about you, it's about her own insecurities and fears. It speaks to her own desperation to make her world feel safe again - if she can convince other people she's right to believe that only obvious monsters are abusers then it makes it easier for her to convince herself and therefore easier to feel safe again.

It's not a reflection on you. Shit as it still is.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this on top of all that's been done to you.

You have been terribly let down and are a total champion for rising up years later. Many victims need support groups for this very reason, so that you can be supported. I am sorry you have gone through this and think you are a terrific role model. What you have done is important for yourself and others, but also paves the way for others finding their voice and truth. You are not the first abuse victim not to be believed- she sounds like a terrible woman. Hold your head high. Daughters are watching you everywhere, be very proud of yourself!

I completely agree with @AnoukSpirit

Someone I grew up and was very close to with was recently convicted for multiple sexual offences against multiple victims when he was a teenager. I absolutely do not know that person, I was completely dumbfounded, and disbelieving that the person I was close to and spent a lot of my teenage yrs with could have been doing such atrocities whilst being my kind and supportive friend. Initially I definitely voiced "omg no way, he definitely did not do those things, I would have known", and, if I am totally honest, part of me still cannot fully believe it. How could I not have known? How could he be doing those things then hanging out with me hours later? How could I not have seen or heard something in him that raised alarm bells?

It's about me, not about his victims. I didn't know what to believe but I do know that it made me feel that my judgement was flawed and that my teenage yrs were tainted. Incidentally I also knew and spent lots of time with all the girls, they have no reason to lie. But my feelings about it all doesn't mean I don't believe them, just that it's making me question my judgement.

Not everyone will believe you because there will be people who will think "he could never do that, not the person I know". You have done the right thing, her feelings and words do not have anything to do with you. I hope you can forget about her and move on with your life.

maybe she is being defensive as it's now come to light that she allowed her daughter to spend time around an abusive paedophile and it's easier for her to believe your dad is innocent than accept that she put her child in danger. The daughter may be denying it because she doesn't want to relive it or feels ashamed.

It is easier to deny that you are telling the truth than it is to admit she had a child sex offender for a 'friend'

[Flowers] for you Op for being so brave, to go after him

My cynical self is thinking, she’s probably slept with your Dad and is in massive denial that he is a paedophile. Why on earth would you otherwise go round vocally defending some bloke who lives on your street? Especially if he’d been any sort of threat to your daughter?

I knew a woman who’s husband was convinced of abusing 17 little girls (sub 10 years old in most cases) and she refused to believe any of it. Took him back when he got out of jail, pretty much pretended he’d been on holiday and life went on. I will never understand it

Sorry for your trouble op and hope the case goes your way.
Shouldn't think he's pleased she is spreading it all over, people will think no smoke without fire (not always true of course)
People stupidly think abusers are stupid and give themselves away, rather than clever manipulators. They also think you can tell who abusers are as if they all have a dirty mac or look like perverts when they are perfecltly ordinary blokes.
Don't let her worry you. Survivors solidarity.

My daughter's boyfriend's dad was convicted and jailed 2 years ago for abusing newborn babies online (instructing the rapist what he wanted him to do to the babies whilst watching a live stream). His wife has stuck by him. I really don't understand how she can.

Rlabc. Obvs doesn't believe, or v badly damaged herself. Not her bf fault but does your daughter want that near her life?

Omg RLABC that is horrific. Absolutely horrendous!!

Actually what Houseonahill is saying I can relate to, as I too, also denied and pretended it did not happen growing up, I was very scared I would be taken away and be put with some random family, and although at the time that would have been better for me, I was desperate to hold onto what little family I had, and at that time it was just my dad.
My counsellor said that I did something called splitting, where by you focus on the good of the person rather than the bad, and that makes it better to cope in situations.

I think this could be something similar, her daughter could be focusing on the good things.
My dad lets her use his PC for homework, Internet, he does them favours, that's why her mum probably believes he is a saint.

Thankfully the rest of the street know differently, he has lost most of his friends now because of this.

Thank you to all those showing support, every time I hear support like this, it further cements that I made the right decisions in reporting. I have my days where I miss the dad I longed for, and that makes me sad I will never see or hear from him again.

I'm going to try and stop thinking about it now, it is what it is, and in the end, he has been charged.

OP, if the woman going around defending him is also revealing your identity as a victim, she is herself committing an offence.
You may want to let the investigating officer know - the police can speak to her and, perhaps caution her (or more).
I'm sure you know this, but as a victim, even if he isn't ever convicted, you have lifelong anonymity.
Sending you strength and best wishes 💐

My experience is that people find it very difficult to admit that someone they like and trust could be capable of doing this.

I testified in court against my rapist, and he has a group of supporters attending court every single day. They smirked at me, acted intimidating, shouted at the jury when the verdicts were delivered, even followed and harassed some of the jury outside the court room afterwards. They were so convinced that the man they knew couldn't possibly be guilty.

I'm sorry you're going through this. The process is hard, but I hope you get the justice you deserve.

I think you are very brave for posting about this and for coping with everything you have been through xx

It's unbelievable WomanWithAltitude how is that even allowed to happen? I'm so sorry you went through that.

Marychristmastome I didn't know this. I'm not sure if she's revealing who I am but the people she is talking to are people who have given accounts to the police so they know who I am anyway. It's a question as to whether she's telling others.

The police do take it very seriously if people reveal your ID as a victim.
This organisation is very helpful by the way if you need more support:
www.oneinfour.org.uk

Thank you Marychristmastome that's extremely helpful.

Sarahjconnor I hope her sons disown her as a mother, what a disgusting thing to do to try and blame it on your own children, absolutely screwed in the head some people!

Missingstreetlife
Not her bf fault but does your daughter want that near her life? As far as I'm aware he has cut all contact. It's a worry though. What if they have children and, once the father is out and most probably living with his wife, and the wife wants to see the child? My daughter is totally disgusted by him (and the wife) and I hope and pray they stand strong against his parents.
Surely convicted peadophiles aren't allowed contact with children afterwards?

Its an absolute disgrace what victims have to go through to seek justice! The whole system is geared toward victim blaming! OP you have been incredibly brave pursuing this and i have no doubt that your strength empowered the other victims to stand up and fight as well! You should be incredibly proud of yourself!!

What this woman is doing is more a reflection on her than it is on you! Anyone with any sense will see her for the fool she is so please try not to worry or get upset about it! (easier said than done I know!) I am always astonished when women cannot see the benefit in banding together when coming up against such things, but then common sense is not common! I feel for her daughter!

Its going to take more victims like you, standing up and pointing out the injustice and inadequacies of the system for anything to change! Bravo lady! Your doing an amazing job!

Usually not allowed unsupervised contact, but impossible to supervise effectively. Nc is only option and no unsupervised with any relatives who collude, it's hard. I would be worried about bf, hope he has good boundaries and support, hard to grow up unscathed in this.