To think that people really can change?

[littledarkage]

I guess I'm asking if anyone has any real examples of how someone has positively changed!

I've only posted once before about my previous relationship, ex wanted to get back together, we had lots of issues, I finally said enough was enough and that was it.

Or so i thought... I recieved a letter from him out of the blue and it is quite honestly one of the most emotional and thoughtful things to ever happen to me, and I have to say it has impressed me.

Obviously, there's a lot of emphasis on how he has changed and what steps he has taken, and how he has reflected and feels truly awful etc.

It's made feel all kinds of feelings again and this feels like the first real step he has taken to prove himself to me.

So, what do we think? Have you ever known someone honestly change for the best?

Thanks in advance!

(I'm also not thinking I'd get back together with him, just meet up and see how I feel).

Yes I do think people can change. Personally, I don't know if I could get back together with someone that has hurt me in the past but I certainly would be willing to talk to them and forgive them. I'd be worried that getting back together could be detrimental to their growth and bring back old behaviours associated with me.

Before my DP I'd been treated badly by a succession of partners so my self confidence was low and to be honest I was a complete wreck. Needy, weepy and terrible at communicating. He's not perfect himself but I did not treat him fairly and I know that. He decided that I was worth it and with his help I grew up and changed. I still have my insecure moments and we still argue sometimes but we worked together on how we can communicate better and we are in a really great place now.

It's obviously not the same for everyone as my case is pretty straightforward, I had abandonment issues and extremely low self esteem so having a partner that refused to leave me when I sabotaged myself changed how I saw myself and made me think I was worth it.

I guess my change happened because I was willing and able to see why I was the way I was and put steps in place to change it.

I absolutely believe that people can change. There are boundaries that, if crossed, would stop me from trusting them again, but that doesn’t mean that they haven’t changed as people.

My DH and I were totally different people when we met, and if we hadn’t met up after a breakup many years ago we wouldn’t be married now. Obviously just because it worked for us, doesn’t mean that it would work for you, but sometimes it doesn’t hurt to be open minded.

Yes.

One of the boys at my secondary school was awful - bullying, rude, violent, really nasty to the good kids (like me).

Bumped into him in my twenties on the street. He stopped me and apologised for his behaviour at school. He’d turned his life around and was training as a PE teacher. Good on him, I say.

People can and do change but I think it's very difficult to change an established dynamic between people. That's why siblings end up arguing like kids at family Christmases.

In your situation Id wish him well and let him go.

I think people can and do. However a lot CBA.

Absolutely, people do change but many revert back again at some stage. Humans are very adept at falling back into old patterns of behaviour I think, often without consciously knowing it. Leopards and spots and all those other sayings must be around for a reason.

The problem is many people place far too much weight on the words used by the "changed" person rather than judging them by their actions.

E.g. "He tells me every day he loves me..." yeah but actually treats you like crap.

Allegedly my exH has changed for his new DP but actually he hasn't, he's just doing what it takes for an easier life because they have DCs together so he risks losing more than he would gain by trying to control her like he did me. Apparently he's a great partner now and a really good dad but has never changed a single nappy etc

I do, but I think they really have to want to. They have to want the benefits that changes will bring more than they want to carry on bring a selfish arse.

Thank you very much for all your answers! I will say it is encouraging advice but of course I'm going to be cautious.

The actions he had taken in writing the letter and its content proved quite a lot to me - but as I mentioned, this doesn't necessarily mean getting back together, it is just harder to fight the emotions that came flooding in!