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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Re job requirements

23 replies

Zintox · 10/01/2019 13:05

My DH was made redundant unexpectedly a few months ago. We are ok financially for now but one of us needs to get a job (I work for myself currently but part time and don't earn much. That's our choice as a family so I'm around for the kids but just background).

DH has had interviews and one place seems to be about to offer a job as he's met with senior staff and everyone is talking about "when you come" although no offer has yet been made.

So here's my AIBU. in these discussions he's been told that although the job can be done from one location, he has to go to a different office two days a week. This office is 1.5 to 2 hours away. This is fine. I used to commute that when I worked and that's ok. Although it may be important to note that DH has only ever commuted about half an hour.

So the bit I'm about is that they company expect DH to stay overnight at this other location, and spend the evening with other managers and the boss to basically have a work meeting and discuss their work plans.

So every week he'd be away one night at a location that is commutable. And IMO the salary range on offer doesn't compensate for this.

I am really not keen and think he should negotiate commuting it most weeks and staying once a month. Personally I think all meetings should be in contracted hours and these evening meetings are taking the piss but AIBU?

Over to you, vipers

OP posts:

Iamclearlyamug · 10/01/2019 13:08

I don't see the problem with evening meetings, but definitely agree with you it should be reflected in the salary - though you haven't said what that is.

kaytee87 · 10/01/2019 13:08

I think it really depends on the role tbh. In certain positions it's expected (and indeed the contact might say) that you work out of hours.
Obviously there's nothing stopping your DH negotiating this however he might shoot himself in the foot if he insists.

Neverunderfed · 10/01/2019 13:11

If they are offering to pay for the overnight it makes sense tbh, I wouldn't want to commute that distance. If they are flexible in other ways it may pay off later, as in...he effectively does longer days while away at this location and then can take a few hours on a Friday for example.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 10/01/2019 13:11

I think it’s actually better that he says over. You seem rather involved and speaking and deciding for your DH. What does he think?

MotherOfDragonite · 10/01/2019 13:11

Presumably they would be paying for his accommodation on those evenings? Or else he could come home later?

Depending on the type of work I don't really think this is necessarily unreasonable, tbh.

BarbaraofSevillle · 10/01/2019 13:11

Did the job spec and interviews mention working at different sites?

1.5 to 2 hours away is borderline between 'commuteable' and 'worth staying overnight' and it might be that for that company, the people who work there prefer to stay away and use the saved travelling time to have work meetings.

It really depends what the salary is, what the alternative is and the other aspects of the job are on whether he is going to make an issue about staying away one night a week.

Lots of people have to travel for work and it seems a bit of a minor thing to make an issue about when it sounds like it's the only job offer on the table at the moment.

Original poster

Zintox · 10/01/2019 13:15

Interesting. I actually don't know if they'd pay for accommodation but I assume so. We've not seen a job spec because he was headhunted.

From my POV I don't want to be on my own one evening every week to deal with our kids who both have special needs and are very challenging. Plus I have severe anxiety at the moment and am on medication and he's my only support.

I don't think I'm overinvested - we make decisions like these as a couple and I'm seeking views because maybe IABU. Isn't that what this board is for?

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CornishMaid1 · 10/01/2019 13:18

It depends on the role.

If say it was an admin worker, then evening meetings that are not paid would not be that common, but it it is a manager then it would be common and the pay usually reflects that.

Again, staying over if it was a manager role would not be unusual, if they did not pay the accommodation and subsistence costs then it would BU.

BarbaraofSevillle · 10/01/2019 13:21

Well if he was head-hunted, he might have more leverage than if he was interviewed and chosen from a few people.

If he has to work at the other site two days a week and it's 1.5 to 2 hours away, will he be at home early enough to help you with the DCs anyway?

One evening totally on your own might be preferable to two evenings partly on your own because he's late home from work.

Can someone else (one of your parents or siblings, or a friend) help on the evening he is away or can you pay for help?

Are the other aspects of the job beneficial to him/your family?

kaytee87 · 10/01/2019 13:25

@Zintox of course it's normal to decide these things as a couple. Don't worry about that. DH and I float things past each other all the time - especially for childcare purposes.

I'd agree with a previous poster that one night by yourself might be preferable to 2 evenings semi by yourself but I don't know the needs of your kids well enough to be sure obviously. Maybe he can bank the extra time and come home a bit earlier the following day?

Neverunderfed · 10/01/2019 13:28

I don't think you're over invested, but in terms of commute it isn't really relevant that you used to commute that distance but he hasn't etc. I'd almost rather have husband definitely away for one night than be waiting around when the 2 hr commute kicks into 3 hours because of an accident, he gets held up leaving etc. I'd find that far more stressful for me and the kids than being able to prepare for one night apart.

kaytee87 · 10/01/2019 13:28

Op can I ask, could you afford to pay for some help with your kids? It must be very challenging having 2 children with SN and even a couple of hours a weeks assistance might give you some breathing space.

BinaryStar · 10/01/2019 13:35

DH is frequently away at least 1 night on the week and whilst we don’t have SN to contend with it is fine.

What he may be able to do is agree his working hours on those two days to minimise his time away. So eg
Wednesday leave home 8am, arrive 9.30-10, work until at least 6. Thursday work 8-4 then home 5.30-6. Then you have more support Wednesday morning and Thursday evening. Otherwise even with no evening meetings he will be out at least 7-7 which might not be much use.

I would just check tough that this isn’t just some very Laddy culture where it is all flaming sambuccas and strip clibs.

Original poster

Zintox · 10/01/2019 13:35

We can't afford to pay for help unfortunately. The salary is only what he was on before not a pay rise.

I see what people mean re him getting home late. I guess IABU. I think it's my anxiety over being left to cope overnight every week. Plus jealousy at him getting to escape regularly when I just have to get on with it.

I will suck it up!

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Original poster

Zintox · 10/01/2019 13:36

He wouldn't go if it were strip clubs. He can't drink either. I'm. It worried on that front.

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Original poster

Zintox · 10/01/2019 13:36

*im not

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RepeatS1gnal · 10/01/2019 13:46

I see 2 choices, take the job and have money coming into the household. Look for another job while still working there if he is unhappy. Don't take the job, keep job hunting. Personally, I would take option 1

PregnantSea · 10/01/2019 14:02

I think given what you've said here he can negotiate if that's what you two want - I'd just be upfront and explain clearly - we have two young children with special needs so I'm not sure I'd be able to leave my wife alone overnight that often. They either will have a problem with it or they won't. I think with jobs you have to really think about if it's right for you and not feel forced into taking something that doesn't work for your family. It will only end with him job hunting again very soon because the arrangement isn't working, and then you're going through this whole situation again plus he has to explain his job hopping to prospective employers. All depends on your finances though - I don't know your situation, for all I know you're about to fall behind on your mortgage or something.

Neverunderfed · 10/01/2019 14:03

It tends to be easier to find a job from a job. I'd probably go for it and look elsewhere if it wasn't working.

FraterculaArctica · 10/01/2019 14:10

My DH is away 2 nights a week for work (not covered by the company), he's taken a job 3.5 hours away so obviously can't commute. Tbh I think if it was only 2 hours away we'd probably make the same decision, that it was too far to be worth coming back. His evenings there are his own (though in fact he's been using the time for study) but don't the evening meetings for your DH sound like an efficient way of getting through more work and being seen as a team player without the distraction of kids?

As a previous poster said, many jobs even if the commute is manageable will mean one parent getting back too late for bedtime anyway.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/01/2019 14:13

That might make this job unsuitable for your family, but it doesn't necessarily make the requirement unreasonable.

They've been clear with him that they have a weekly evening meeting and even if he did negotiate to miss it, he'd probably end up having to go to know what was going on. I used to work somewhere where people worked in different offices on different days and it made sense to have an after hours meeting, work would pay for a hotel and it'd be a meeting and a few drinks while everyone was together and we could get things done. I wasn't very senior but didn't mind too much, I knew about it in advance so it didn't seem too bad. I didn't have kids though!

If both of you are required near home for your kids, is there scope for you to up your income so he has more time to look for something closer to home?

Original poster

Zintox · 10/01/2019 17:43

I’ve applied for some jobs too so we will see. I don’t think it’s the right job and we are ok financially for another 7 months but DH is twitchy and I think would take anything to be back in work.

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whittingtonmum · 10/01/2019 20:30

I would take this job if only as a stop gap. My DH ended up taking a job with a long commute we thought would only be for six months while he was looking for something better. Turns out that once in the job he managed to negotiate so much regarding location, flexible working hours etc that six years on he's still there and we are both pretty sure that no other job would have worked out so well for our family life in the end. If you have no other offer on the table I'd take the job now. It's not going to get easier after Brexit I don't think.

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