Woman from DHs past

[spyrothedrag]

We've been together just over a decade, married for a little less.

This is a woman that he befriended just before we met, they would have probably started something (his words) had he not been blown away by my clumsy demeanour and snorty-laugh.

They were 'friends' for about a month, nothing else bar one kiss.

She began contacting him mid last year, just responses to his Facebook posts, but rather than comments or likes, she would always send a private message. He 'unfriended' her as it was odd behaviour for someone he hadn't seen or spoken to in over ten years.

Now he's received a lengthy message, detailing how much their friendship meant, how she's sad he's removed her from his friends and how wonderful and 'magical' the time she spent with him was.

I laughed, joked about 'another 12 stepper' (I know this is no joke, we've just had a lot of phone calls/emails lately due to people going through rehabilitation for various addictions) but he got very defensive, insisting how wonderful it is to impact and touch peoples lives and (clearly this message stroked his ego) proceeded to talk about how he must have helped her through so much etc.

I think it's all a bit weird. I feel no need to contact old friends who have slipped off my radar that I'd previously known for years, I can't even remember past-people I've only known a month.

He's engaged in a back and forth with her now, which I've told him is actually making me feel uncomfortable (especially telling her all about our DCs) but supposedly IABU.

I'm not the jealous type and have no issue with any of his female friendships, (or any new ones that may start) but I have a really bad feeling about this - AIBU to firmly tell him to back off and stop contacting her?

Not U
I wouldn’t like it either. There was obviously a sexual side to it in the past. She sounds odd and has boundary issues. For most of us, being unfriended would be highly embarrassing and that would be it but she doesn’t care and continues. I think he might be flattered by the attention. She’s not a friend to your marriage and at best she’s an unhealthy distraction - I think he should get rid. Ask him how he would feel if it were reversed. Most blokes wouldn’t like it at all.

Hmm that is weird and I wouldn't like it either but hard to tell him not to.

Why has he felt the need to reply to her? I wouldn't be happy about this

YANBU. She clearly has no regard for his relationship with you. A few years ago I was contacted by a man I had briefly known when we were 17: we hadn't spoken or seen each other in about 20 years. He was very complimentary about me, and I thought it was a bit odd at the time, as by his profile I could see he was married with DC. I kept things neutral and didn't really engage beyond basic pleasantries. Within about a year his marriage ended and he was with someone else - I remember thinking that he clearly had not been happy at home and was basically in that frame of mind to find someone else, hence the flirty messages to me. I think this is something that you shouldn't let go. Their friendship clearly didn't mean that much to her as it's been 10 years: chances are she's either now single or in an unhappy relationship and is starting to fantasise about what could have been - not unusual in itself, but she is crossing a line by attempting to re-engage with your DH.

He is being unreasonable. If someone from my past or my DH's did this, we would immediately put a stop to it. What is her point? Is he starting an emotional affair with her? She has no right to hear about your DC and if this makes you uncomfortable, he needs to stop. Don't give a shit about 'people being allowed friends', this one has clear boundary issues.

YANBU. Presumably being on his FB she knows full well he is married with young DC. She has overstepped a boundary and kept going after being unfriended, the point in which most people would quit. She almost definitely wants to sleep with him again and he should not be giving her the attention she craves.

I think the most recent message was very flattering and gave him a bit of an ego boost and now he thinks he's the Pope bringing hope to all the lives he's touched

I haven't the faintest why he's decided to reply to this one, considering all other messages have been ignored (mostly they were just a quick comment about recent photos or events) but I don't like him talking about our life and our children to someone who - yes - clearly has boundary issues.

Hmmm...whilst it could be fine, watch out as I actually had a similar situation - a historic ex sent DH a friends request and started just chatting. Found out later that she was in a very unhappy relationship, had fond memories of my DH and reached out and then tried to get him to leave me for her!

He went NC with her, but whilst your DH may think it is innocent and ego boosting, her motives may not be. Hopefully that won't happen, but just be cautious.

Oh, I have so been here before! Women texting at 11 at night with flirtatious messages and kisses. Never asking how the kids are. Always focus on just ‘he And her’
I was the unreasonable one apparently.
Your dh is behaving like an idiot. This is exactly how affairs can begin.

I would leave it for now but keep an eye on things in the background. I would be pissed off about the kids thing but again I would leave it for now. If you protest he will likely carry on. Left to it it will probably fade away and you won't look like a loon. A close eye and if it goes somewhere really uncomfortable you will know straight away.
If it fades away at least you know something about your partner you previously did not.

What cornishmaid has said

OP I'm going through something similar but a bit further down the line (DH's ex who he did have a sexual relationship with before he met me). She's now single again and they've been messaging for about a year, which I only discovered before Christmas. I've asked him to go NC and come to counselling with me as there has definitely been an emotional affair, as the lovely nest of vipers on the Relationships board helped me to see clearly how inappropriate his messages and comments on her FB have been. I'm still struggling to process everything I've learnt and read and at times i feel like I'm going mad with it all, so for your sake I'd sake YANBU and to tell him to stop this now.

*say YANBU

Id ask your husband to stop contact. I recently had similar, someone I used to work with and was good friends with got in touch. Nothing ever happened between us (10 yrs ago) but we had both fancied each other. I left my job and met my husband.

Anyway he started messaging me in a friendly manner, I questioned his motives (as did my husband to me as I told him when this other person contacted me) and he said he was just sorry our friendship hadn't continued and how he missed our friendship. He was nice but I still didn't think his motives were friendly. Anyway after sending 5 messages between is my husband asked me to cut contact and I did straight away. My husbands feeling are my priority and your feels should come first

Get him to read Shirley Glasses Not just friends. It's great for showing how friendship texts can slip over boundaries and explaining about 'friends of the marriage'.

He's on a slippery slope towards an emotional affair by engaging with her. Tell him to stop, now. The woman clearly has boundary issues and now he's encouraging her.

Yes and she could turn out to be a stalker as well

Thank you, I just wanted to check I wasn't being OTT asking for NC from him. He already knows I'm not happy and uncomfortable with this development, so will talk to him tonight about it.

Oh I read a book a bit like this.

Apart from the ex made friends with the new wife who had no idea and would never go for a group drink or meal as the husband would of known. She’s been stalking a long long time ever since they first split.

If he doesnt want to stop and says its all just friendly, ask him to add you to the conversation .. he should have no issue with this 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your husband is being a fool. This woman is up to no good and this is how marriages get destroyed. It's a very dangerous game he's playing.