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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my partner about this email?

20 replies

Teenagermum1979 · 10/01/2019 07:12

Long story short ....

My partner and I have been together about a year. After difficult 2018 on my part, we are living together and he has been very supportive to me during this time. I have struggled financially for a long time and he knows that and is very protective about me in that respect. I couldn't ask him to do more.

Last night we were moving something out of the car and we were using his phone as a torch. I picked it up to bring it into the house and when I flipped it over to turn the torch off, it was open on his email (I wasn't snooping I swear) and there was an email from his bank / or credit card (I'm not sure which) about a payment being refused due to lack of funds / credit. I don't 100% know because I didn't look any further but now I haven't slept a wink worrying that he is struggling because of me and helping me out.

I ask him a lot of on his quality of life and I'm worried he wouldn't tell me because he thinks I'd worry more. We are still partially maintaining two houses at the moment (which won't be the case by next month) so I worry he's under extra strain an not telling me.

AIBU to ask him about this email?

OP posts:

Raven88 · 10/01/2019 07:14

Yes I would ask him, if I need to ask DH about something I just do it.

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 10/01/2019 07:30

Do banks even email? I've always had letters....

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 10/01/2019 07:31

I would ask him. A problem shared is a problem halved

Original poster

Teenagermum1979 · 10/01/2019 07:37

I'm not sure. My bank don't email but it was from the company he banks with.

I think I'm just hesitant because I'm worried by asking him I will discover big problems and my happiness / stress free life - which I haven't had for a long time will be blown apart. But at the same time, I would want to know and support him as he has me.

I worry my troubles infect other people. Like a disease

OP posts:

swingofthings · 10/01/2019 07:51

Regardless of the email, if you are about to move in together you NEED to discuss finances.

You need to know what each brings in, pay out, and who will pay what, agree on how much disposable income you share etc...

Moving with someone without transparency of finances is a recipe for disaster.

RedSkyLastNight · 10/01/2019 07:55

Why not just have a general discussion about finance and joint budgeting? The email could have been a scam, or it could have been a payment denied because of possible fraud, or it might have been genuine but he's got plenty of money, just a cash flow problem! I think if you mention the email it will look like snooping.

Omzlas · 10/01/2019 07:56

Which is more stressful, worrying over something which could be nothing or the not knowing?

Ask your partner

Original poster

Teenagermum1979 · 10/01/2019 08:02

We did talk about it when we moved in and do regularly which is why the email surprised me

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 10/01/2019 08:08

I only have paperless with my bank but if they want to send me a message then they do it on the app and send me an e mail telling me i have a message waiting. They would never e mail me directly. It suggests to me that he has had a scam e mail of some sort.

peeblet · 10/01/2019 08:10

when i get those its a scam email.

Original poster

Teenagermum1979 · 10/01/2019 08:15

I really hope that's the case

OP posts:

SirGawain · 10/01/2019 08:30

As others have said it’s probably an attempted scam. When I communicate with my bank online the do it through a secure message system where they email you to tell you that you have a message waiting and you need to log on to read it.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 10/01/2019 08:32

I get texts, my preference, telling me if I go overdrawn and giving me to midnight to put money in the account. When I get them because I often have the money in a different account and just need to move it across so it might be nothing to worry about.
Only you know your relationship with your partner and how he will react to you accidently reading his emails,

lancashirebornandbred · 10/01/2019 08:35

My husband just got a similar email, but it was for an automatic renewal that didn’t go through because his credit card had been updated, and the old one no longer valid. Nothing to do with the amount of money in the account.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 10/01/2019 08:58

Definitely sounds like a phishing email but if it’s got you so worried that you haven’t slept a wink then obviously you just ask him about it.

Even if it’s a genuine email it doesn’t necessarily follow that he’s totally skint. He may have just forgotten to transfer some funds to that particular account in time for this payment. It’s definitely not something to lose sleep over without even asking him!

Wheresthebeach · 10/01/2019 09:00

Its causing you stress so you need to ask. Just be honest. x

Firesuit · 10/01/2019 09:13

I do get notified with details of large payments (bank) or going over certain thresholds (credit card) so it seems plausible to me that you could get a payment declined message directly rather than a message notification to login to secure messaging.

I wish financial institutions would offer an option to be less secure with my information, there's probably no secure message I've ever had that I wouldn't have rather had directly as an email than having to login.

Munchkingoat · 10/01/2019 09:35

I honestly wouldn't worry about it - sometimes i get texts from my bank line this and it's just because I have forgotten to transfer funds from a savings account.

adaline · 10/01/2019 09:40

Banks don't generally send emails like that - they either send you a letter or a message via online banking.

Original poster

Teenagermum1979 · 10/01/2019 12:57

Well I decided to approach it subtly and started a general conversation about if he was ok, if he thought we were ok money wise and what are financial plans were for the coming month and would he tell me if I had anything to worry about rather than letting him know I had seen the email. He said that we were fine and asked if I wanted some money from him and said that I have nothing to worry about so I'm just going to leave it. It's either a cash flow thing or a blip that he has in hand. If something more worries me I might be more direct but for now I think I'll just leave it. Thanks for all your advice x

OP posts:

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