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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling so guilty .

15 replies

Tribblesarelovely · 09/01/2019 22:33

So, just before Christmas, a homeless guy took up residence outside the shop opposite my flat. Although we have many rough sleepers in the town, he’s the first one I’ve seen around here, ( residential , just the one shop opposite, which he is mostly living outside of ).
Anyway, he’s mid thirties, polite, doesn’t beg, but quite a few people give him food when they come out of the shop. Never seen him boozing ( couldn’t blame him if he did ) , or doing anything anti social. Just before Christmas, I had some friends here, and one of them went over to him to chat. Upshot was, we supplied him with hot drinks and the cost of a B & B for the night.
As it got colder, and nearer to Christmas , some friends and I had a whip round and gave him enough money to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in the B & B. He says his greatest pleasure is to have a bath, and obviously sleep in a bed. Otherwise, he sleeps on the pavement every night.
We exchange pleasantries, and I fill his flask with coffee daily. Here’s the problem ( at last ). I have now started to feel slightly awkward with the situation.
Whenever I leave my flat, I feel obliged go and chat to him, this normally ends up with him hinting that he “ just needs ten more pounds to get the B & B tonight “, or, would I mind filling his flask ? ( sounds a bit rude I know ). The past couple of nights, he’s rung the bell at around 10 p.m. , I know it’s the flask again ! I didn’t answer, obviously in my pj’s.
Thing is, I feel terrible with the whole thing. I’m in my warm flat, going to my lovely bed, and he’s sleeping on the cold, hard ground. Today, he’s been sitting there all day, and the long night is ahead.
I’m not scared of him in any way, besides, my flat is completely secure, I just feel so conflicted. I’ve contacted the relevant homeless organisations, and they are aware of him, but I’ve started to feel like a prisoner. His ‘ pitch ‘ is opposite my front door, and he can see my lights are on, so always knows when I’m home. I don’t think there’s any harm in him, but what a shitty way to live. I feel like an entitled princess in my lovely flat, the contrast between us is horrible.
For background info, I live alone, my partner isn’t local. My son died less than a year ago, and I think that’s why I have become over involved. That man could be any of our children, it would be nice to think someone would be kind to them.
Sorry for the ramble. Just need some opinions. Thanks everyone. X

OP posts:
username7000 · 09/01/2019 22:46

So when you say you've contacted homeless charities and they are aware of him what does that mean? I'd follow it up , I sympathise I think it could happen to anyone. If you want to help him I'd help him get off the streets . You sound very kind and thoughtful but it's not a long term solution is it and surely a charity can help him.

ElleDubloo · 09/01/2019 22:50

You sound lovely, OP. I can understand your good intentions and why you feel awkward now - I think I would feel the same way in your situation. I’m not sure what you should do.

Atalune · 09/01/2019 22:52

Sorry to hear about your son, that’s terribly sad. Flowers

You’ve done a lovely thing but youbmustvtruband detatch from it a little. You have been and continue to be kind, but there is a limit.

Atalune · 09/01/2019 22:53

A local charity, maybe a food bank could help?

Oneweekleft · 09/01/2019 22:54

That sounds really difficult. Maybe ring the homeless charity and explain what the situation is and ask what they suggest you do ? I think don't answer the door late at night for a start. I think it's dangerous. He seems harmless but you never really know someone. If i was in your position id be trying to cut down contact with him too. I don't think you need to chat every time you walk past. May be a quick smile and and a nod and walk quickly if you can't ignore him completely. You don't want him becoming dependent on you. Couldn't one of the take aways supply him with hot water?

SadOtter · 09/01/2019 22:55

A lot of areas have winter shelters, could you have a google and see if there is one near you? if there is you could print/write out the info for him. That would get him a bed and some help getting back on his feet.

HollowTalk · 09/01/2019 22:56

I'm so sorry you lost your son. It must have been awful.

I think this guy is taking advantage of you and because of your loss and your lovely nature you can see how sad it is that he lives like that when you have more. I think if he's asking for £10 though that's really bad - he shouldn't do that.

Where is the nearest homeless shelter? Why isn't he going there?

TinselAndKnickers · 09/01/2019 23:05

You sound so lovely, my sympathies Flowers

Although it is a nice thing to do for someone less fortunate, I really think asking for £10 and knocking on the door late at night is ridiculous and quite rude, however nice he may seem! I agree with PP who say to contact charities who will be able to help him. It’s nice of you to help but it shouldn’t make you feel anxious or guilty. Flowers

Oldstyle · 09/01/2019 23:05

I absolutely understand where you're coming from with this one having been in similar (but not such 'trapped') situations myself in the past. I was able, guiltily, to take other routes and shop in different places some days of the week so that I didn't feel that I was on permanent chat & money duty. Clearly that's not possible for you. I think you might need to be a bit firm with yourself if you possibly can, and make a point of going out without stopping to chat so that the expectation begins to change a little. Can you manage the guilt do you think?
And I'm so sorry to hear about your son. A year is no time at all and you are likely to be in a particularly fragile state which must make this even more difficult. Wish I had some more useful advice.

TupperwareThief · 09/01/2019 23:05

Unfortunately I think you are going to have to set boundaries. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to say to him ‘you know I don’t mind helping you out, but I would prefer it if you didn’t call after x time’. Just the same as you would say to anyone. You don’t have to explain yourself more than that. It’s not bitchy to have boundaries and it doesn’t make you a bad person, even when dealing with a homeless person.

ginpink · 09/01/2019 23:08

You sound lovely op. I think
I would actually say to him that you're more than happy to help by giving him coffee in the morning and will help when you can but politely ask him not to knock later on (or at all) unless it's v.important. If he says he needs a tenner for a b&b I'd probably ask is he's looked into homeless shelters or a longer term solution x

Hezz · 09/01/2019 23:09

You sound lovely, trying to help him. I'm so sorry about your Son.

You've been given good advice here, don't open the door at night and try to form boundaries that you're comfortable with.

Consolidatedyourloins · 09/01/2019 23:13

So sorry about your son Flowers

The situation is unsustainable as it is and I would not be comfortable with a man coming into my home (even just in the doorway).

Do you know why the org you spoke to can't help him further?

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/01/2019 23:21

So sorry about your son OP. You sound lovely. Dont stop caring.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 09/01/2019 23:40

OP, it's good to care but you need to care about yourself too and put some boundaries in place.

You do also need to think about your safety. I know that you don't feel threatened and that's great. Maybe he's a great guy. But if any other man was camped outside your front door, ringing your doorbell late at night and asking you for money, alarm bells would be ringing - and so I think maybe yours should be at least sounding a faint warning right now. People get into bad situations all the time from people they thought were nice guys.

I think you could maybe contact a charity and explain your predicament. Hopefully they can persuade him to move on/take some help from a shelter.

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