To think my 1yo can’t be sleep trained

[Wingingthis]

I’ll try and keep things short and simple as possible. My 1yo has had a few issues since birth that have effected her sleep (tongue tie, silent reflux, multiple allergies). She’s now 14mo and we have only just figured out (99% sure) all of her allergies.
BUT through this all she will now only breastfeed to sleep. I know this is a common problem, but up until last summer she spent most nights screaming with pain and this is the only thing that would eventually soothe her. I feel like this is so deep rooted now & she is very strong willed.

Now (after seeing our paediatrician last week) we have decided we need to sleep train. She’s in our bed co sleeping, which happened out of desperation, and is waking every hour or more. My DH tried putting her to bed tonight and I went out. To initially get her to sleep took 30 mins of screaming but he pushed through and it was fine. She then woke 45 mins later screaming and screaming. He tried rocking her etc for a further 40 mins but she was hyperventilating and it was too much so he stopped. I know he wouldn’t do this unless it was awful.

Is this normal??? Can she be sleep trained or can some babies just not? I’m so scared she’s in pain still somehow and she needs milk to soothe her. I am an emotional tired wreck!

Are you happy with her sleep or not? It sounds like somebody else has told you you "need to" change things and you're reacting to that? Of course she's upset by a sudden change. If you do want to change her sleep I would try changing one thing at a time. So either night wean (Jay Gordon), or work on her sleep association with breastfeeding (e.g. Google Pantley pull off) or stop cosleeping, but keep the other two in place. Look at the Elizabeth Pantley or Sarah Ockwell Smith stuff, I bet that would be helpful, but I think the problem is you're simply trying to push too many changes through at once. She doesn't have any skills of self settling and she hasn't really had the chance to learn.

Are you my friend?!
Got a friend with 14 month old and CMPA etc, v similar.

You need to be firm but perhaps tonight was a step too far. If she will feed to sleep fine so you do it and put her down on her own. Maybe your DH doing it and on her own is too much in one go? Getting her on her own is first step. Plenty of babies feed to sleep breast or bottle that's not an issue but getting you some space is.

I don't think it works for all babies. I haven't sleep trained my 22 month old because I am convinced it won't work and don't want to put him or myself through it. Like you, we had a rocky start and co sleeping was the only thing that has worked. He feeds to sleep and then I transfer him. He sleeps next to me after the first wake up of the night. This is getting later and later as he gets older, with v few wake ups (unless ill).

DS's child minder had an attempt at sleep training for naps (without my consent) . She was convinced I was just being too soft on him and giving him the chance to self soothe and settle would eventually work. She says he is the first mindee to consistently not go to sleep when put in the cot. It does not work for him no matter what. He needs cuddles, motion (car seat, pram, dancing, rocking chair) feeding to sleep or he just won't fall asleep.

I get the impression from your post that you might feel under pressure to sleep train. There are gentler methods. Sarah Ockwell Smith is helpful and reassuring to read.

Take care OP

I would suggest tackle one thing at a time gradually. Wean off breast feed gradually. Get down to 1 feed to sleep and then choose a night to just not offer. Offer water instead. Cuddle and massage to sleep. Then gradually reduce length of cuddles and just rub her back for a bit.
Try to get her down to sleep in her own bed whichever method works.
Just slow and gradual steps.
However she is still very young and has had a lot of issues so be kind to yourselves. Nothing wrong with feeding to sleep or Co sleeping unless it's affecting you.

Some babies can’t be sleep trained.

It worked like a dream with my son. My daughters would have none of it. Same parents, doing the same things with very different results.

If she is waking every hour then it sounds like she is reliant on BF back to sleep for every sleep cycle. This is not so common at this age, possibly it's happened because when younger she would have been in pain and so woken up and then that is the only way she's learned to go back to sleep, which is now ingrained. It might be that you need to work with a sleep consultant who is willing to use gentle methods or explore options specific to your DD. I don't know that a generic sleep training method is likely to work because of the special circumstances. I think if you're wanting to wean her off BF to sleep then you'll either need to go very very patiently with the Jay Gordon type thing, and/or some variation of Pantley Pull Off where you work from feeding to sleep to feeding to drowsy, to feeding and then being awake before becoming drowsy, but keeping the close contact in bed, or work on transitioning her to another way to soothe her which perhaps DH can do so that you can take shifts? You should come from a position of things which soothe her in other situations, like when she's scared or in pain or anything which can help her calm down.

Actually now Spangly has said, I also know someone who struggled hugely with this but her DD is older now and does sleep a bit better - she is very anti sleep training, so I know she never tried that although she was exhausted. It might be a fairly common thing with CMPA?

Is baby content co sleeping?
If so then carry on. Up until you saw your paediatrician, did you see it as a problem? Or has it become an issue since?

Co sleeping/feeding to sleep is not a 'problem' in my eyes. I used to think it was and i hated it until i stopped letting everyone else dictate that baby was 'developing bad habits'. I miss that closeness now shes in her cot. I hate that i cant breastfeed her to sleep any more and we can both just happily snooze together.
But, aslong as baby is sleeping and fed and content and you are sleeping too then thats all that matters right?

In desperation i did once try sleep training but packed it in within 10 mins. It was awful. To go from having bodily contact, being in mummys bed, having acces to breasts, to none of he above all at once was a brutal change. One thing at a time. Try BF her then gently move her. Or try patting/rocking instead of feeding her and see if she gets used to weaning herself off Bf in the night.

(FWIW my baby also had TT which was diagnosed very late and she had been unable to actually suck at all so pretty shit start for her).

To add, my DD would wake every 2 hours up until 8 months when i started to gently rub her or pat her the moment she first cried and sometimes it settled her and others it didnt. She went slowly from needing BF every 2 hours to maybe every 3 or 4, then 6 hrs and now she doesnt drink in the night at all. She still wakes a few times but a few pats or a touch or an arm rub and shes soothed to sleep. Ive now slowly been able to move her into her co sleeper cot where i can still reach and touch her during the night.

See if it works.

Mine is the same age and I have the same problem. I don’t want to cosleep. I’m not allowed to sleep with my own husband and I’m in constant pain with my shoulders due to having one arm around the baby. I get woken up repeatedly and I’m like a grumpy zombie who bursts into tears for no reason. But my baby won’t sleep on his own, he screams hysterically. He wakes up every 30-60 mins and cries and claws at me for milk. I’m at my wits end and I wish he’d never been born. I’ve even considered stepping out into traffic because I know I’ll get taken to hospital and I’ll be able to sleep there.

WhirlieGigg
Not sure what to say, but that doesn't sound sustainable, Can someone take them in the day for a while so you can get some proper sleep? Can your husband do more at weekends in the daytime? (Assuming he works in the week). Our even nursery or similar?

Don't walk out into traffic though, there must be other options?

You’re one night in, it’s going to take a few nights to crack!

DD1 had appalling reflux and never slept through consequently. Once we got on top of the pain we got a sleep trainer in when she was 13 months. She worked her magic and DD is a brilliant sleeper. It can be done

My daughter has cmpa and had silent reflux. She would comfort feed back to sleep through the night. I can't remember how exactly but eventually we did sleep train her! It was a bit before 1 I think and she wouldn't sleep a whole night - mainly as still had silent reflux and food issues. We tried all sorts but controlled crying was he only thing that actually worked - shh and pat made her irate! Basically staying in the room and not picking her up made her furious whereas most babies like knowing a parent is close by. But we didn't do that when she was so dependent on breast. I'd somehow reduced her feeds a bit. Also, you need to be sure she's not in any pain From the silent reflux or allergies. Good luck

Or can some babies just not
Come one now we all have to go to sleep on our own eventually don't give up after one go. The quickest way is probably the hardest. Bath her, feed her (but not to sleep), cosy up and read a story and then tuck her into her cot. Sit a bit of a distance away so that she can see you but do not look at or engage with her in any way and then just let her scream she'll wear herself out eventually. Do this over a few (3/4) nights moving further away from the cot each time until your out of the room. Or, just put her to bed and leave the room. Put a stair gate on the door if she can get out of her cot. My dd fell asleep on the floor by the stair gate for 3 nights with less wailing and screaming each night and that was it.

For some kids no amount of sleep training will work at all i truly believe that.
DD now almost 3 has only very recently started sleeping at night prior to that she was up literally all night long some nights and on a good night was still awake every hour and a half - 2 hours but a lot of nights she would wake at 1-3am ish and that would have been her.
Sounds exactly like your DC as well....allergies, reflux, breathing problems etc.
We tried everything literally everything possible had HV and paed support and nothing worked no matter how hard we stuck to the rituals.
Eventually of her own accord a couple of months ago something seemed to click and she started to sleep through the night ! Still wakes occassionally a couple of times in the night but settles back over quickly without us needing to go to her !

14 months is tiny! Just feed her to sleep. You can work on the cosleeping first, if that’s your biggest issue? Feed her to sleep, then put her in her own bed. Repeat until she’s ok with it. Comfort her if she wakes.

I still feed my 21 month old to sleep, but for the last months she’s been sleeping through. We had the cot attached to the bed, so she co slept but had her own space, then we put the cot side back on, then moved the cot away from the bed.

You can gently encourage changes in sleep patterns without it being traumatic. You’ve said yourself she’s had a rough ride already and she’s only tiny. Taking away breastfeeding and cosleeping all in one go is a huge change for her.

Give her a bottle during the night.

@WineAndTiramisu It has to be sustainable because I have no other option. There’s nobody who can take the baby during the day. No money for nursery. DH is rarely home before 8pm. He does his best to help at weekends but there’s other stuff to be done and he can’t do chores (that I’m too tired to do) and have the baby at the same time. I’m hoping that someone on this thread will have good advice about how to make a baby sleep before I literally drop dead. Why the hell anyone ever has a second child once they know what it’s like is beyond me.

Feed her to sleep, then put her in her own bed. Repeat until she’s ok with it.

But you can only do that for a few hours, until you’re so exhausted that you’ll do anything for sleep, so you give up and bring the baby in your bed.

Just remember breastfeeding isn’t just for food, she will be crying for comfort and reassurance from you. She doesn’t understand what is happening.
I don’t like sleep training, i breastfeed to sleep my 13 month old and also co sleep.
I’m tired and wish he would sleep through, but I know one day he will and one day i will miss the cuddles to sleep.

I’m pretty pro sleep training but I think it’s too much to go from co sleeping and feeding hourly to sleeping on her own and no breast milk. I would tackle one thing at a time. So maybe stop breast feeding at night but offer water and continue co sleeping for now. Or in the cot but still breast feeding for now and then work on cutting down one feed at a time.

Give her a bottle really??
How would a bottle solve the issue??

Ds3 still feeds to sleep at 20 months...he does then sleep all night though.

The handful of times i've dared to go out and not been available at bed time have not been pretty (4 hours of constant screaming for dh last time before he cried himself to sleep).

I'm hoping that he just grows out of it at some point

I stopped night feeds at this age for DD2 and we sleep trained her. It took DH a year to get her to settle on her own at night, using gentle withdrawal. He has the patience of a saint! He first had to do pick up, put down, then shh pat, then rubbing her back, then she'd hold his hand through the cot bars, pinching the soft flesh between his thumb and first finger. Then he gradually moved down the edge of the bed, to the corner of the bed, to the end of the bed, to the doorway, to outside the door, etc. Then, when she moved out of our room, he used to sit in our bedroom, after saying "where's Daddy going to be?" (In our bedroom) "and where will DD2 be?" (In my bedroom) - it became such a ritual that we still say it now, with 3 DD's, even though they're 13, 11 and 9, and they all know full well that we go downstairs and will not be in our bedroom!

DD2 has turned out to have ASD, so I often wonder if that's why it was so hard to sleep train her, or whether it's just her personality.

Sounds very familiar! I stuck with co sleeping and feeding to sleep just so I could get some sleep! By about 16 months my daughter started only waking twice a night and preferred her own bed. I honestly believe sleep is developmental and all children get there at their own pace. Sleep training works for some, not for others. We decided against it and my daughter wakes once or twice a night, has a feed then goes straight back down to bed in her own room. For some people this would be unacceptable, but it works for us