Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To take this long to move on after a bad relationship

7 replies

Sunsetoverthehill · 09/01/2019 15:52

It's been almost a year since I moved out from my ex boyfriend's house. We were together for two years and had only lived together for 6 months when things became unbearable.

There was no physical abuse but mentally it has really taken it's toll on me. It was little things like telling me off for going food shopping too much or the next minute not enough (he rarely went as he was very tight), telling me I hadn't done his washing and was only doing my own or that I was washing too many clothes and checking how much detergent I used. He would ask why I was dressing up for work and who was I trying to impress. He would tell me off for having too many clothes (I had one rail and a few drawers of clothes) and also told me I was cluttering his bathroom so I had to keep my toiletries in a box in the spare room. We both worked full time but he said his job was more stressful so I should be doing more in the house. When I told him how I felt, he would say he was only joking and I was crazy. When I said I was leaving him he said I was trying to manipulate him. I feel like he managed to turn everything so that I questioned myself and that I feel I was the awful one for standing up to him.

Even after all this time I am still struggling and still get nightmares about it. He had met someone else within weeks of me leaving but I am struggling to trust anyone else. Is it unreasonable to take this long to process something like this?

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 09/01/2019 15:55

I dont think a year is long if im honest, its been 2 years since I split with my abusive ex and not ready to date at all. Ex on the other hand moved in with someone 6 weeks later. I will probably be flamed for this but ime men move on alot quicker.

FannytheW0nderDog · 09/01/2019 16:20

Gosh you have been through the wringer but well done for recognising him for the gaslighter that he is and for moving out because men like that sadly don't change. I don't think that one year is a long time to get over this type of abuse. Have you considered counselling? Also read 'Power and Control (why charming men make dangerous lovers)' by Sandra Horley who is the founder of Refuge.

Sunsetoverthehill · 09/01/2019 16:27

Thank you for the replies.

Over the last year I've had really bad anxiety and keep thinking I must have been the bad one. When I left he actually said to me he felt he had been treated badly by me. It has really messed with my head. I developed gastric problems which I had never had before. I have looked into some counselling as I want to get my life back on track. I have read a lot and it does make sense that I am possibly co-dependent and attract these type of people who can sense I'm a bit soft

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 09/01/2019 16:53

A year really is nothing, you wouldnt want to rush into anything and end up with the same kind of man again. Counselling is a good idea.

AnoukSpirit · 09/01/2019 17:58

I'm sorry for what you've been through. If it's helpful to know, the kinds of problems you've described experiencing since ending the relationship are common for people who've been through what you have.

He was trying to mess with your head, so it's no reflection on you that you are suffering as a result.

A year is very little time at all to recover from being terrorised in your own home by someone you trusted and with whom you should have been safe.

You're quite hard on yourself, but do you also recognise the strength and determination it must have taken for you to stand up for yourself, to trust your own judgment when he was trying to confuse and manipulate you, and ultimately to protect yourself from any further abuse? That takes great courage and you should be proud of yourself for managing it.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It's a free information course, run in small groups for women only. It's confidential and they don't keep records so nobody will know you've attended. It's also not therapy and you'll never be asked to share things unless you wanted to volunteer something during a discussion.

It teaches about the dynamics that drive abuse, the different tactics that different abusers use, the impact it has on us, and how we can heal afterwards.

Although it's not therapy, the groups are really supportive. I am speaking as a previous attendee who was petrified to even walk through the door the first week. It honestly changed my life for the better.

In terms of rebuilding your life, getting your head together and feeling less weak/crazy, it could really help you. It will reinforce that the impact on you is as real as you're experiencing it to be, it will reinforce that the particular tactics used on you were just as damaging as any other type of abuse you might be comparing to, it will help you to trust your instincts, your mind, your judgment, and your sense of reality again.

Perhaps most importantly for what's troubling you now, it will teach you about what healthy relationships look like. It will teach you how a decent, loving partner who's not abusive but is a regular human being that makes mistakes (so you don't find yourself unable to tell when someone is making a human mistake or being deliberately abusive).

It will teach you early warning signs of abuse so that when you are ready to start dating again you'll have a reliable toolbox for working out whether someone is abusive or not (rather than falling into the trap of using your abusive ex as the standard).

This is important because different abusers use different tactics, so you might meet someone who is totally different from your ex - but that doesn't mean he's not abusive, he could just use a different set of tactics. Freedom Programme will teach you how to spot any abusive behaviour so that when you're ready for a new relationship you'll be able to feel confident and safe.

Freedom Programme helped me make sense of what had happened to me and feel able to say "what happened to me was wrong" as well as being able to accept that of course I had psychological injuries but that I could heal.

It gave me back hope that my future could be different.

Yours can be too. It sounds like you have some possible post traumatic stress syndrome symptoms, so it's worth investigating therapy options as well to help you recover from those.

I think you're doing brilliantly to have come this far, so please don't feel you're not making enough progress. You are.

AnoukSpirit · 09/01/2019 17:59

The link would have been helpful: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If you have questions you can email or phone them or find them on Twitter. They're a good bunch.

explodingkitten · 09/01/2019 18:36

I always needed time to come to myself till I really felt myself again after a relationship ended. It took awhile before I got to that point and felt that I was open to dating again. Other people move on as soon as possible. I don't know if there is a wrong or right way or time, everybody is different.

I hope that you find happiness.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread