To say that if you need to check your partner’s phone...

[MrsMuffins]

...your relationship is already in trouble?!

A friend of mine seems to think it’s perfectly normal behaviour to demand to check her boyfriend’s phone after a night out, and I see so many threads on here where people are checking their partner’s phone - surely the fact that you have such significant trust issues that you need to snoop on them means you’re probably already heading for a breakup?!

I'd probably agree as I can't imagine looking at DHs phone or laptop... and he clears his history every time he uses it.

I agree and comment the same on the weekly ‘check my partners phone’ threads, but I’m always shot down because apparently partners have no right to privacy

i agree! demanding to checking your bfs phone is pointless, after a while if he really wanted to do anything he would surely have another phone etc.

i also would refuse my DH if he wanted to check my phone, nothing to hide just simply my phone, my privacy.

No, unless something happens where you have suspicions and ask to see in order to clear up stuff. But to generally snoop day to day shows a major lack of trust and faith in your partner/relationship

I have not once, ever looked at my current partners phone in 8years.
I did constantly with my ex...he was a serial cheat.

I grew up with privacy anxiety because my mum went through my stuff all the time including a diary I had wrapped a long bandage round repeatedly and hidden away.... My dad listened in to everything and they were constantly lurking and probing and judging.

So my being asked even simple questions by a partner like 'oh, who is that?' if my phone pinged, meant that until about two years ago I had my phone on silent. That's about a decade of missing calls and messages. I also received scorn for deleting histories on my browsers and messages. But three of my exes went through my emails, facebook messages and texts!

I cannot imagine staying in any relationship where I was expected to hand over my phone. I'm a very private person when it comes to writing letters (yes I still do that), texting, emailing. I literally panic if people start trying to read over my shoulder. Stupid, but.

Some people are jealous types looking for any reason for a row, I think.

DP and I regularly swap phones, ie his has a better timer for cooking, mine has a better camera and GPS.

I would never snoop into his personal messages, but we also don't feel the need to hide our phones from each other or change our unlock codes.

If you feel the need to check your partner's phone either there is stuff going on already, or you don't trust people, or you don't respect personal boundaries as far as I'm concerned.

YANBU. I wouldn't stand for it from DH and am sure he wouldn't either. It's no way to live for either side, being the subject of that sort of scrutiny or having a partner for whom you have so little trust and respect.

I think it's outrageous that someone should think they've got the right to check my phone messages! That's coercive control.

I did once check a boyfriend's messages, but only because I had good reason to be suspicious, which was borne out by what I saw, and resulted in his belongings being put outside as he slept and him being chucked out the minute he got dressed. But if you've got a normal relationship, no, never.

It is never acceptable to check your partners phone, even if you think you have good reason to be suspicious.

My husband and I trust each other. This means we never feel the need to "check" each other's phones, but also that if we are using each other's phones (maybe mine is on charge or I left it upstairs or something) that we trust that the other person won't go snooping.

That said, if my husband ever had a suspicion about anyone or anything and asked to see my phone, I would let him because I have nothing to feel guilty about and he has said he would do the same if it was me.

Whether you would ever feel the same about your partner after they showed such a stunning lack of faith in you, however, is another matter entirely.

I’ve been biting my tongue with my friend, but I might have to try a gentle ‘do you think this is healthy/normal’ conversation. For me and DH, our phones are usually just knocking about, we know each other’s passwords and we’ll always ask before using each other’s - but it’s more of a cursory ‘do you mind’, I don’t think either of us would dream of saying ‘no’ and I’d be really worried if we did!

I think the OP is right, if you feel the need to check then something is wrong.

However, I don’t really get all the secrecy with phones, why do you need to keep things ‘private’ from your DH? I think that also says something about a relationship. Maybe it’s just us, but we want to share our lives with each other, all of it, not just bits, I don’t feel the need to keep anything private from him. It’s too much effort if anything! Much easier if he can reply to texts for me while I’m driving without me having to unlock my phone for him!

I can’t imagine anything more boring than looking through DPs phone. All golf, football and work chat. We use each other’s phones all the time if one of them is charging or to google stuff.

You are right in that it means something about the relationship is unhappy/unhealthy. But, if someone has been caught cheating, or gambling the mortgage money,I think they lose their rights to privacy. You could say that ending things is better but sometimes that isn't possible (at least in the short term) and a person has a right to not be continually deceived and to protect themselves.

I think it's outrageous that someone should think they've got the right to check my phone messages! That's coercive control.

I did once check a boyfriend's messages...

Hmm...

I totally agree. And also, I would hate for my partner to check my phone! I have never and would never be unfaithful, but there is all sorts on it I wouldn’t want him to see - posts I’ve made on mumsnet, notes I’ve written to myself about things I’m anxious or excited about, scenes I’ve written in my phone notes for my book, fifty selfies at a time, present ideas, private texts from friends etc. I would really hate for him to pry through that, and I would never do it to him. These days a phone is like a diary, and should therefore be respected as being private.

‘do you mind’, I don’t think either of us would dream of saying ‘no’ and I’d be really worried if we did

I don't think it be a cause to worry necessarily as pp says phones are like a diary now. So some people would prefer a phone stays personal even from their oh.

I did it once to DP but it was only because I woke up before him one day and saw a text flash up on his screen from a female colleague, not a work related text for reference and it upset me. We were going through a rough time due to miscarriages anyway so I was in a shit place as it was. He cleared up the context of the text and we sorted it out, I haven’t needed to look since.

The only reasons you’d be looking through your partner’s phone are you have low self esteem/confidence levels and need the reassurance or you’re suspicious and/or don’t trust them. I don’t think it’s healthy behaviour.

Sometimes when they lie and lie and lie and you eventually sniff out that lie, YEARS down the line, after you trusted tgem implicitly, and they refuse to tell you the truth, it's the only way to find out for yourself.