AIBU to ask what you learned from TV

[Flyingfish2019]

...apart from the things you never do to avoid dying mentioned here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3474090-What-if-life-was-like-tv-and-films-should-you-never-do

I have learned that:

*All drill sergeants call people maggots, Orks do the same BTW
*Old men, if not a mean supervillain are lovely father figures
*Old women rarely exist on this earth
*Nearly all young women are beautiful
*The most beautiful and popular young woman is always a high school bully
*Mentally ill people sit in one corner of the room rocking themselves and talking to themselves
*Young men are irresponsible and horrible until they meet a father figure (see above), then their whole life is turned around
*There is always WWII in Europe

Moving 10 feet away from anyone means they can’t hear you. If you can’t move 10 feet, hospital cubicle curtains also have the same soundproofing qualities.

That you can have a child and carry on with your social life as usual because anyone of your neighbours will be available to babysit whenever you like.

@SaucyJack On the one hand I agree... but then... otoh... I learned that neighbors cannot be trusted because they tend to be psychotic killers... especially if they are a nicelooking elderly couple with a cat.

Rich people Cannot Be Trusted. Very rich people are Evil.

It is possible to drive for minutes on end, looking at the person you’re talking to rather than the road and not crash into anything.

Everyone must know at least one person with Muchausen’s By Proxy, given how often it pops up.

If you are under 45 and live in Walford, Weatherfield or Holby, don’t bother with retirement planning. You’ll be dead long before your late 60’s.

That if you reside in Chester and are under the care of A&E , intensive care, paediatric neurology, obstetrics or general surgery you will have the same doctor and nurse who have somwehow managed to specialise in all of the above despite being in their mid twenties
A combination of closed eyes and an oxygen mask is classed as being on “life support”

You have an amazingly good chance of walking away from ICU no matter how desperately ill you were when you entered.

People with head injuries rarely have any long-standing ill-effects (recovering memories of events at appropriate moments).

People shoot with astonishing accuracy with handguns over distance if necessary to the plot but, at other points, 20 men, with automatic or semi-automatic weapons, will tear up structures and furniture without hitting anyone.

Contraception is yet to be discovered.

@arranbobonicplague Contraception is yet to be discovered
Now that you say it... I think that AIDS does not exist on TV because I never ever saw anybody use a rubber... doesn’t matter they met just one hour before.

If you time travel to a time of your youth never bump into yourself or your family. The consequences could be disastrous!

I learned what a palindrome is from the Simpsons

When the plot calls for it, women who are barely 5ft tall and weigh 84lbs can drop kick a 6'4ft ex-Special Forces assassin.

Conversely, tough guy 6'4ft ex-Special Forces types can take down 15 similar types in hand-to-hand combat but, if necessary, will have seven bells knocked out of them by a Special Agent/Bodyguard in their late 70s with scarcely a pick on them.

When you go into labour, it will be at the most inconvenient time and place possible. Your partner will not be able to get there in time.
You will skip the early stages of labour entirely; instead you will double over in agony, your waters will do a passable impression of Niagara Falls, you’ll push three times and then give birth to a child who looks old enough to toddle through to the kitchen and make you a nice reviving cuppa.

Aren’t children typically born in elevators that got stuck @MawkwishTwaddle?

Oh - and childbirth is such a clean and tidy procedure that the hot water and towels are only there as a distraction for men who wouldn't otherwise have anything to do but fret.

One of the best descriptions of real life childbirth I ever saw was from a hunter - he and his wife had 8 children at that time and the 8th had appeared slightly ahead of schedule when they were driving home from somewhere outback so he'd had to pitch in and support his wife. His comment on the matter was, "I'd no idea there was anything in this life messier than field-dressing a deer but there is. And it's childbirth, even with a woman who knows all about it and can give instructions like she's setting up a field hospital".

I agree with pp the baddie always has an English accent, guaranteed!

That the timescale for grieving is about a week, then you're back in the local pub

You can visit family and friends in prison as frequently as you like

That you can always park just outside where you need to be.

All your neighbours will come to your wedding and funeral, relatives will not.

After the unrealistic labour you will give birth to a 10lb 3 month old who is clean and not attached to a placenta.

Your father is not who you were brought up to believe he was, even if he is your father IRL (New Tricks I'm looking at you).

Pets rarely need to go for a walk or have routine vaccinations.

You can survive CPR and ICU but falling down an embankment, stairs or a ladder will kill you.

If you are ever in an accident or attacked your facial cuts and bruises will be arranged nicely on both sides of your face and you will not wince when the stitches are pulled by you talking, in fact you will not even feel them.

That if Jessica Fletcher (Or Angela Lansbury) causually strolls past you in your local city/town/village RUN!

That if Jessica Fletcher (Or Angela Lansbury) causually strolls past you in your local city/town/village RUN!

Or Joyce Barnarby