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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How did your marriage end?

19 replies

Thetimeisnow11 · 09/01/2019 08:20

I'm having a tough time in my marriage after the birth of my second child. We are arguing a lot and when we argue we say awful things to each other. The arguments start because I'm tired, at 6 months old DD still isn't sleeping through the night, and my husband is stressed about work and money. DS is 2.5 and he's going through the terrible twos but is mostly an easy, happy go lucky child.

Last night an argument started because I was upset and feeling like a shit mother and my husband flared up. We ended up having a blazing row that lasted hours. We were truly awful to each other and the threats of divorce were issued. I'm feeling very emotionally bruised and exhausted this morning.

At the moment I don't think there is any love left but I'm not ready to call time on it just yet. We usually get on well and while we don't have the most passionate marriage we do enjoy being with each other. The last few months (well it's been more than a year really because I had a difficult pregnancy) have been incredibly difficult and stressful and we have both turned into different people. Perhaps with some work we can get back to being happy together but I don't know where we will ever find the time to invest in our relationship.

How did you know your relationship was over if there was no infidelity involved?

OP posts:

knittedjest · 09/01/2019 08:32

Well we should never have been married in the first place. It was more or less just a friend's with benefits situation but back in those days if you got pregnant you got married so we were more or less forced to. We knew straight away that we had made a grave mistake and from our wedding day to the day our annulment was officiated was one year and a week to the day.

I think when you know, you know. It's often just pride and nostalgia that keeps peoplecl around. Dd1 father and I are still extremely close friends 34 years later, partly because we didn't hang around for seven years which would have just resulted in things ending violently.

DinoGreen · 09/01/2019 08:38

OP I felt like this after the birth of my DS. We had more horrible arguments in the first year of his life than we’d ever had before. There was one truly terrible one much like you’ve described where the d word was used. But we did recover. The constant exhaustion does awful things to you. I’d hang in there if you can - things will probably improve once your DD starts sleeping better.

insecure123 · 09/01/2019 08:43

As above...I should never have married him and I think deep down I knew that. But young, caught up in it etc etc. I think the PP makes a good point about managing to stay friends. Sometimes getting out sooner can help a post divorce relationship be more civil as it hasn't got the point of "hating" each other and turning very bitter before going seperate ways. but everyones situation is different.

You say you aren't ready to give up on it yet so maybe counselling or something to see if there is something to work on before calling it a day might help?

BlueJag · 09/01/2019 09:41

Stop saying ugly things. I know you are tired but you can argue without name calling.
Even if he says ugly things don't say things you'll regret later.
You can only control your behaviour and you have 2 children that need both of you.
Stop fighting. Apologise for what you have said and hopefully he'll do the same.
Marriages do go thru stressful times but it takes a bigger person to say I'm going to change my strategy.
I've been married nearly 30 years. Don't think about is this over? Think is this worth fighting for?

RayRayBidet · 09/01/2019 09:53

I have never divorced but my marriage has been through some very tough times.
Honestly, I think you need to get past the tired stage before you can really know. Therefore I would be really careful not to do something you might regret later.
Can you get someone to babysit one night so you can go out to talk?
I don't mean go on a date, that will fix it but go out and really talk respectfully and honestly to each other and listen.
I always find it helps to be on neutral ground and also less chance of it turning into a blazing row if you are in a public place.
I think you need to reflect on your own behaviour and think about what you do that contributes to the situation and go into the conversation being honest about your own faults as well as telling him what he is doing wrong. It's not always easy to admit things even to yourself. I'm not trying to say it's all your fault, just that it takes two to tango.
It's very easy to get resentful of each other when your kids are so little and you are exhausted.
When our situation was similar we made a conscious decision to be kind to each other and work as a team because if we had carried on the way we were we were heading for the divorce courts.
Now I'm glad we stuck it out but it could easily have gone the other way.
Do you get any time for yourself? Can you get some? Does he?
Be kind to yourself and I hope that you are OK, whatever happens. MN is always here if you need someone to talk to

AdamNichol · 09/01/2019 10:21

Money woes + young kids + no sleep = hate-filled, tear-ridden emotional wrecks.

It don't last forever. I hope you find the strength as a couple to endure (if that is the right thing for all of you in the family) until it eases up.

Rosieandmai · 09/01/2019 17:13

Mine is on the verge of ending, but my DH wants to work on it! It’s very very difficult.

Blobby10 · 09/01/2019 17:17

We sat down and were brutally honest - he said it first. "After 20 years together I just don't enjoy being with you anymore". I felt the same and neither of us wanted to make the effort to repair something we both felt had gone beyond repair. We parted amicably, no-one else was involved, we both agreed terms of divorce, finance etc before going to the solicitor and saying "This is what we want - please make it legal". It was hard emotionally but when he told me 2 months after separation "I'm missing the children but not the dogs or you" I knew where I stood in his affections and started to recreate the new me.

Original poster

Thetimeisnow11 · 09/01/2019 19:51

Thanks for all your responses. It's comforting to know that others find this stage so difficult too.

Neither one of us are ready to give up yet so we are going to work on it. Neither of us is getting time to ourselves or even much time together.
I'm just hoping that it is going to get a bit easier from here.

OP posts:

RayRayBidet · 10/01/2019 11:33

@Thetimeisnow11
Whatever happens, I wish you well and hope things get better for you.
You do need time for yourselves, both individually and as a couple.
It can be so so hard.

JacquesHammer · 10/01/2019 11:37

How did you know your relationship was over if there was no infidelity involved?

We found out we had become more like siblings. Whilst we still loved each other, it wasn’t the love of a couple in a relationship.

We made the decision to end the marriage whilst we still liked each other and before there was any arguments in order that we could co-parent our daughter effectively and in two happy homes.

As wanky as the phrase is, I guess we “consciously uncoupled”.

Hope you’re ok OP.

RabbityMcRabbit · 10/01/2019 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 10/01/2019 11:47

surely you need help, a cleaner, some sleep, some space and a break from each other for a bit. Is your house tidy? Can you get someone to help you rather than you face all this alone feeling nit picked and not supported.

Namenic · 10/01/2019 11:47

Please see if you can get some childcare - at least for toddler for a day or evening - dealing with just 1 is a lot easier. Watch a film together or something or have a take away. It’s hard when the little one is so small. If spending time together doesn’t help, try couples counselling? Wishing you all the best.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 10/01/2019 11:55

OP I was you about a year ago - I even kicked him out for a few days as it got so bad. It was tiredness, stress, the relentless nature of having two.

We talked and started communicating better - life gets a bit easier. I wouldn't make any rash decisions, plan a night just the two of you - do you have anyone that can babysit for a few hours? Talk and talk - remind yourself why you loved him and if splitting is the right thing for all of you.

We decided to tough it out and it's been so much better since the kids have got older and we talk when things get bad. Obviously, this doesn't work for everyone.

for you OP as I know how tough it is!!

pointythings · 10/01/2019 12:14

Completely different scenario to yours. The toddler plus baby stage was hard but made us stronger. Then much later his parents died (not young), he hated his job, he hated his kids growing up, he hated it not being 1950s America so he started drinking. His alcoholism ended the marriage though he died before the divorce came through.

totallywired · 10/01/2019 12:17

My parents argued and argued like you and your husband, op. My siblings and I would lie in bed 'asleep' night after night and hear them yelling at each other, yet they wouldn't split up, they kept it up for years. I was so damaging for us children and for them, we were all depressed. They started rowing on day trips, holidays anywhere, they'd say awful stuff to each other.

I remember my mum saying to me when I was maybe 5 or 6 they might split up but we would have to move into a small flat. I thought YESSS! do it! I don't care about living in a small flat! I want to live in a small flat! But they didn't, they stayed together for another 10 years, hating each other and fighting.

BitchQueen90 · 10/01/2019 12:19

We just got married too young (I was 21, he was 24). We were caught up in puppy love. I knew that I had made a mistake straight away but I fell pregnant after we had been married 6 months and I resolved to try and make it work for DS. Ultimately that we just fell out of love and we didn't want to be with each other any more. I was relieved that he felt the same.

We co parent well and our divorce was amicable. We are much happier now than we were together.

Sunflowermuma · 10/01/2019 12:24

When you're having these arguments what are they actually about?

I have a 3yo and 6m old, the 6mo is a horrendous sleeper and I'm exhausted. I know that I am, you know that you are to. So if you've just been arguing over something small and petty and it's escalated then can you try and acknowledge that you're exhausted during the argument and give yourself some space? My first was a bad sleeper yo and I knew this time would be tough so when pregnant made it clear to DH that this first year was going to be a rough road for us both (other things going on to) but we just needed to get to the other side of it. Do you want to get to the other side with your DH?

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