Contact for DD with her father

[itsanamechange1]

I'm name changing as my exH has form for looking for me on here.

I'm sorry this is long. Warning you all in advance.

I posted jan last year because my ex h had decided to emigrate at literally last
Minute. We are talking as in the next day, leaving me with the mortgage of our family home and he wasn't coming back. Told me to tell our daughter he wasn't coming back.

I had to sell the house we'd previously owned together and the bank allowed me
A three month break whilst I got this in place.
All sold, few days before it was sold he said if I didn't give up my half of the profit from the house to him he'd refuse the sale.
I had no choice. I have it up, it wasn't a life changing amount.

He came back 3 months later.
Sporadic contact with our DD. Supervised with me there, building to on his own. No overnights.

As he built up the trust again, he ruined it with threats to me when drunk, threats about my family, non payment of csa ( he earns 100k plus) and just being an arsehole. Letting DD down at first, gradually getting better.

All ok for about 4 months. No let downs.

Christmas comes, he gets rotten drunk and threatens me. Again. Police informed again. Threatens my partner again. Let's daughter down again. By threats I mean violence. To get people to kill me and my
Partner.

I'm not at this point being unreasonable to say I have had enough. We've all had enough. Take me
To court and let someone else decide the best way forward am I.

But yet I still feel awful

If he's having mental issues not seeing his daughter won't help and I want him to get better.

For her, for him because I don't want him to waste his life.

I'd be lost without her and if it was me it would rip me apart. I don't want to do it to him but I honestly can't take anymore with him

What the fuck do I do??

Your priority is your daughter. Your ex husband may have mental health issues (he’s obviously got issues with alcohol) but he’s behaving appallingly and your daughter can’t be exposed to him in this state. I’d go to a solicitor and ask them to write your husband to make clear he isn’t to contact you directly and go to court to decide any future contact with your daughter

He can't contact me directly I have had to block him and delete all my social media for this reason

He hates me. Blames me for everything wrong in his life. Even the stuff where it happened after we split up: his thinking is that if he's never have met me at all, he's not be on the same life path.

I've had my husband meet him with our daughter so as to ensure they had a relationship. That's out of the question now as he threatened my husband at Christmas. Sane with my dad.

After all of this why do I still feel guilty saying enough is enough now.

I get he's not stable. He has no family in the uk. They moved. I feel horrific taking away his one link.

I hate to think of anyone struggling mentally with no one to support them. After everything he's done and continues to do, I still feel sorry for him having no one.

I was willing to be that when we married but he didn't want me. I didn't lose weight quick enough. I wasn't enough for him. I get that but I wish I was harder inside

You put your daughter and yourself first. it's hard to see anything positive in him maintaining contact with her. Go to court and get an order for supervised visitation

Stop contact, unless supervised contact at a contact centre. Make it clear that this will not build to unsupervised contact

Make plans that take into account him being dangerous, irrational, and having the money to do as he pleases, and also to pay a solicitor. Document everything. Take the threats seriously.

Make sure any threats and harassment, violence etc are reported to the police, every time.

Is he a UK citizen, OP? If not then getting him arrested and deported could massively improve and safeguard your lives.

You need to put DD first.
Go through courts. Get an order in place. See what you can do about CSA/Maintenance.
Inform the police you are doing this.
Audio record every conversation with him and pass to police if needed.

Do not let him anywhere near you unless in a safe supervised contact centre. You can do this.xx

Csa claim is in place. Had been for 12 months. He's a contractor who claims he earns nothing much. It's set at £26 per week.
He earns £100k a year. He had an accountant hide this in business expenses and what not. He owes £2k in unpaid csa.

I've informed the police for every incident.

How do you get a contact centre to get you in?

The csa is a piss take.

He told me he would never live in a council house.
We live in one. My DD and me. The one we lived on when we left him. That my husband now lives in with us. That I'm in the process of buying on my own, just in my name with my salary because I can.

My ex said he'd never pay csa towards my mortgage.
We're buying my council house. He's not paying towards it. Never has.

Sounds awful. And I imagine you can’t share your complicated feelings with your husband or anyone really for fear of judgement.
I don’t feel in the position to advise, but wanted to offer support and say that it sounds like you have really done your best to help. I have experience of living with a loved one on my life that I have had to conclude I can’t help. I have tried and tried but they are on a path, and they self destruct and I can’t help them. Actually sometimes my help, enables them.
The only thing I can think to say that I think makes sense is that you must focus on your daughter. You want the best for her and wat her to have that relationship with her dad but what is this exposure to his instability os going to cause more harm than good?
He is threatening violence. He sounds dangerous. And you might think ‘oh he wouldn’t actually do anything’ or ‘he wouldn’t touch his daughter’ but I would argue that you probably don’t know him well enough any more.

You say that being away from your daughter would rip you apart, hence why it pains you to do that to him. You are projecting though. It wouldn’t rip him apart at all. He left the country before and did not even consider her. Blocking him from seeing her won’t kill him.

I hope others come along with proper advice. Good luck

Yes he is a uk citizen.

Thank you @Nonomore3

That sums it up.

My husband hates it when I offer any sympathy whatsoever because he sees what my ex has put me through mentally for the last four years.

He's seen me question every decision I've made to make sure I'm being fair because if I don't do what I see as the right thing I have a terrible conscience where I worry.

I've fucked my self over to facilitate my DD and her dad's relationship. Time and time
Again.

For someone else to come in and say enough is enough is hard. Because I feel bad. Even when I know they are right. Even 4 years on.

I thought I was a very strong women who took no "shit" whatsoever. I'm ex army. Always been self supportive with a strong family background. But still I'm in this position

You need professional help to detach from him. He is an adult, he emotionally abused you, he abandoned you and DD, he continues to try and abuse you (and succeeds).

You need to protect your DD, he repeatedly makes choices that are harming her.

Random

Private or nhs, what do you even ask for? Who do you ask?

Just a decent therapist BCAP registered phone a few up tell them what the issue is see who you get a feel for.

Realistically private unless you can get 6 sessions through your GP surgery or work?

Are you generally a people pleaser?

I'm a people pleaser

OP - I’d say you’re a people pleaser with huge self esteem issues. Why do you think you deserve being treated like shit by this man? Why do you think you deserve being blamed for everything wrong in his life? You don’t.

I don’t think you should feel bad about who you are. You seem to think you should be stronger etc.
It’s not a weakness. You are loving and forgiving and show lots of empathy. That can be exploited by the wrong people.
They are great qualities. Your husband and your daughter will benefit greatly from you being this way.
You don’t need to change who you are
Or feel bad about it. You just need to make sure you are not using your qualities on the wrong people. Your ex husband is being one of those.

I would agree that some therapy could
Really help. Especially as you must feel
so alone with it all. Yes, some companies have healthcare that you can get some
Sessions through. I had 12 sessions through a previous company.
If not, as poster above said then you need
to contact a local BACP accredited person.
Look at their website and see if what they say makes sense to you.
It could really help.