My ex husband has managed to rattle me today so just want to get some opinions. Acrimonious divorce, ex had affair leaving me pregnant with our 3rd child. Had numerous girlfriends since, all long term (at least a year), all introduced to our children immediately, all of whom have been unpleasant and less than welcoming of our children. Never paid maintenance (self employed) and goes to the extreme of taking down his company website when the CMS chase him. He is the type to never be wrong, never apologises, just does his own thing. I work full time, I work part-time on top of full time, I have high expectations of my children in terms of helping at home (so dishwasher, hoovering, recycling are all their jobs) but I am aware that we are untidy by my ex's standards (who himself is untidy but can't admit it to himself 'cos that would mean he's as bad as me). They wear clean clothes every day they are with me. They eat well although more processed than is ideal because I am so busy but there are home cooked meals at least 2 -3 times a week. Children have never complained to me about our home - teenager brings friends round - but it is very much lived in, not show home. I have paid for everything for 10 years for 3 children, including all school trips, lunches, uniforms, childcare etc. etc. etc. We have annual holidays - sometimes abroad, sometimes in the UK whilst the ex has never taken them so much as 5 miles away. In short, I frantically juggle and I manage. Nothing more, nothing less.
He has today - out of the blue - said he has reported me to Social Services (not for the first time, although first time in a long time) for the state of my home and has clearly stated he has photographic evidence. I have made it clear that if he has photos of my home, I will involve the police as he has no right to a key and has entered without my permission. I think he's bluffing, although he knew the middle child has no wardrobe door (long story!) which suggests he has been in the house although of course, child could have complained he had no wardrobe door (although as he pulled it off himself, he can't complain, can he?!) I am not perfect - am aware I can shout and am short-tempered when things aren't done as/when I ask/expect. So this morning, for example, I had a hissy fit over the middle one's tie because I had specifically asked them to make sure they had found their ties before this morning so we had no problems (as it was first day back and they are the sort of thing that get washed, put upstairs and then lost - happens every holiday to one of them) and he hadn't done it and couldn't find his tie. My fault, I should have followed up last night. I apologised for shouting and made it clear why I was frustrated which he said he understsood.
there is a lot of diy undone at the moment - I am saving for a new roof (which needs doing desperately) so there is stuff that could do to be done but I just can't do it - the front room needs decorating, there is some damage to the toilet flush (but it still flushes), that kind of thing so I guess we look worse than usual.
I have said I am happy to deal with Social Services. But then reminded him that I had plenty of stories myself about what happens at his house (some of them aren't good) and particularly pointed out that his latest girlfriend had had to leave because of her abuse of our children (long story but it was long overdue - she told them at one point to fuck off out of their father's house and has frequently told them they're not welcome). His response to this was to say that they had to deal with our children's bad behaviour 'because of the way they live at your house' and that she was 'a far better mother than you are in all respects' and that all she wanted to do was 'to help them'. I also reminded him that his refusal to pay maintenance was an unnecessary stress on me as sole provider which is unreasonable.
I am utterly discombobulated. Normally, I can shake him off and he doesn't bother me. We can tidy up if Social Services are visiting, not a problem. But I am tearful and upset and distressed way more than I have been in a long time. Is it not enough to do just manage work and a home?
Do I need to be better? Is it not OK for the house to be lived in and for the bed sheets not to have been washed for the last 10 days or the bathroom not cleaned for a couple of days? Or to need some DIY but to be prioritising a major repair? Is it not OK to work as much as I can to make sure we can have holidays and nice things? if they are badly behaved at the ex's, is it my fault for having a less than perfect house and for being shouty if tie hunting doesn't happen when I ask for it doesn't happen? Should I not expect a teen, a near teen and a pre teen to help in the house (apparently they hate me for it)?
I have just burst into tears. Why now, after all this time and years of knowing what he's like, has this got to me so much?