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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling hurt by friend?

16 replies

Hairbrushesatdawn · 08/01/2019 14:53

My friend is due her first baby in two weeks, she's not with her dp anymore as he upped and left when she found out she was pg.

I was and am over the moon for her when I found out she was having a baby as she had been trying for years, anyway she initially wanted me and her dm in the room with her when she was giving birth, which I was more than happy to go along with.

Today I messaged to her to ask how she's feeling as it's getting really close now and asked how the appointment she had yesterday went and if she wanted me to go with her next week for a midwife appointment. She then replied that no she would rather go alone and as she feels I've not been very involved doesn't want me at the birth
I've tried to be there for her as much as I can, I'm a single working mum myself so don't always get alot of free time, but I always make sure I text/call for an update and to see if there's anything I can do for her and tried to make plans to see her, but she always seems busy.

So aibu to be hurt she doesn't want me there? I've been crying most of the afternoon.

OP posts:

Apple103 · 08/01/2019 15:04

It sounds as though as shes so close to her due date shes very emotional. She doesnt have a dp and she probably placed alot of expectations on you unknowingly to you. Could you maybe meet her to ask why she feels this way, in a non confrontational way?
I can understand why you feel hurt but try not take it so personally as shes probably in a very difficult space right now. Just let her know that you care for her and will still be there if she needs anything.

Oldraver · 08/01/2019 15:09

Crying all afternoon ? Really ? That's over egging it a bit.

Do tell her though about not having much free time at the moment

PinkHeart5914 · 08/01/2019 15:18

She’s pregnant and her dh fucked off, just like a fairytale isn’t it? It’s not how she wanted her life to go and right now that’s making her more emotional than the about to give birth woman.

It’s not even about you, it’s about her and how her life has turned out so no I wouldn’t take it personally. I would however continue to a friend and send messages, ask to meet and send a gift for baby once they arrive

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/01/2019 15:42

How often does she expect calls/texts?

BovrilOverkillOhMyInsides · 08/01/2019 15:46

She sounds unreasonable because surely if she needed specific things from you, she should have let you know at the times? You can't be held accountable for not being somewhere with her for example, if you didn't know. I'd be hurt too.

Allthewaves · 08/01/2019 15:50

I'm guessing you feel like she's saying you have let her down. If she's a good friend I'd apologise and wish her well for the north and to let you know when you.can visit

Dartilla · 08/01/2019 16:04

I think a lot of the issues that get posted on here could be solved with an actual phone call or face-to-face chat, rather than mobile messages.

If you're upset that she's upset with you, go and see her! If she's that close a friend she was considering having you there at the birth of her DC, then surely you're close enough to just have a talk - pick up the phone or go and knock on her door.

Good luck.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/01/2019 16:08

This is one of those pivotal moments where you can either let it bring the relationship to a close or you can rise above and see it for what it is: the unreasonable actions of someone who is probably scared, overwhelmed, a bit depressed and (let’s face it) highly emotionally charged.

All you can do in this situation is tell her you respect her wishes but you love her, am sorry if it’s come across you’ve not been as into her pregnancy as she’d have like (you have to dig deep here) and that should she change her mind you’ll be there.

Coolhwip · 08/01/2019 16:14

I'm guessing there's a backstory.

I agree with pp, she may just be overwhelmed, and you may be a safe person to take it out on. She'll see what you face as a SM soon enough!

But we do need to know more about your friendship, is she usually ok and is this out of the blue?

Or is she a princess who will expect lots of childcare from you?

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2019 16:16

Sounds like a classic mismatch of expectations.

Talk to her or send her a heartfelt message explaining that you really do care, that you understand how hard this is and that you will respect her wishes either way and still be there for her. Add a couple of sentences explaining how busy your life is but you do get how she feels.

Being there for her after the birth is far more important than for the actual birth. Be that friend and be there for the long term. She will look back and remember that and so will you. Right now she can only see her own needs but that will change later.

Roussette · 08/01/2019 16:31

I've tried to be there for her as much as I can, I'm a single working mum myself so don't always get alot of free time, but I always make sure I text/call for an update and to see if there's anything I can do for her and tried to make plans to see her, but she always seems busy

Tell her this.

Original poster

Hairbrushesatdawn · 08/01/2019 16:37

I do understand how she feels being alone and pregnant, I've been through it myself, so do understand all the emotions she's feeling.

There's no back story and we've been friends since childhood, so we're not shy and will tell each other how we feel.
I did express to her today that, yes I was upset she didn't want me there, but fully understood and will always be there if she needs me.

Dartilla I am unable to just drop everything and go round for a chat and that is part of her issue. I work as does she, but different shift patterns so it's not always easy to do that.

Oldraver Yes crying! Am I not allowed to cry? I'm certainly not over egging it, I was as happy and excited about her pregnancy as I was my own when she found out and it feels like a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:

ABoozedMoose · 08/01/2019 17:15

Just let her know you're there when she needs you. You will not be her priority right now.

Zariiya · 08/01/2019 17:18

bless her. Try to be empathetic as I'm sure you already are and just talk to her.

Her hormones are all over the place probably and she more than likely wants some attention and love. You do sound like a good friend though, try not to take it personally.

EhlanaOfElenia · 08/01/2019 17:21

Just because you're her birth partner doesn't mean you can take the place of a real life partner. Regardless of how good a friend she is, she is just not your priority, your family is.

I suspect what has hit home to her is that she is no one's priority and that must be a scary realisation when you're pregnant. But at the same time, she needs to realise that you're in the same position. You're no one else's priority, but you've had to get on with it.

Original poster

Hairbrushesatdawn · 08/01/2019 17:39

I know I can never replace her partner nor would I want to, as I said I've been in her shoes when I was pregnant, although very different circumstances. I didn't even have her as she was living in another country and she feels immense guilt about that. I was truly alone and there were only two people who I wanted there, one was her the other my exdp.

It may sound selfish and like I'm not explaining myself very well, but I didn't want her to have these issues or to feel alone. It's hard being a single mum, even moreso being pregnant and not being able to share things with anyone, it's soul destryoing.

I guess I'll have to suck it up and just be there when she needs me.

OP posts:

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