Should we have got involved?

[Floralgizelle]

I often turn to mums net when i have a question or would like other peoples opinons on something. Ive never actually posted though usually look at similar threads to what my current dilema is. Please bare with me as this is rather long and require some back story..
My husband and i have been together 10years, over that time we grew very close to his grandparents, one has dementia the other seems to be going that way amongst other health problems. I started to help out with the running of the house, gas, electric, phone, internet etc, i always give copies of any paperwork or online accounts to my husband, his mother (their daughter), his auntie (their other daughter) and her daughter (their other grandchild). In order to keep things right. We have all gotten on well usually because they are quite happy for other people to do the work.. not saying they dont help them but we end up with a lot of jobs, husbands mum is an alcoholic and we have been trying to support her aswell. It was then admitted by husbands aunt, that when they take them on holiday with them and her children, the children are not counted at 6 children this would mean they are paying more than just 2 pensioners, again if they were agreeing to this which we doubted they understood or whether it was being explained properly. Again we said nothing. Then we received a message from the aunt that the grandparents wanted to pay for everyone to go away, this was ridiculous living on a pension with a small amount of savings, not knowing how much it would be. (There was potentially 20 people they were wanting to pay for during school holidays) we told my husbands mum who then spoke to her sister to say this was ridiculous was it a mistake and considering his grandmother is not a difficult person suggest we all pay for ourselves if they wanted us all to go. This is where thr family fallout began they seemed to be upset by the idea and began trying to blame others me being one as any conversations i have with them i tell my husband whats been said. The other grand daughter got upset and phoned the grandmother saying shed upset the kids (guilt tripping in my opinion at this point they were only looking into why tell the kids) id told my husband everyone was getting upset which then his mum got annoyed at people twisting it as no one had said there was no holiday. Which then it became my fault for telling my husband what had gone on. Just wondering peoples thoughts, should we have just left it and said no thanks or did it require someone to put a stop to it even though everyones falling out?
Sorry its so long.

It really sounds like some family members are trying to take advantage of 2 vulnerable people with dementia. If that's the case then I can see why you all intervened and shame on them for trying to do that.

How do you have access to their money to pay bills? Have they given you power of attorney? If you have been given access to pay specific household bills then that is all you can do. Tell family that there is no way the grandparents are funding anyone's holiday as they don't have the funds and should not be expected by anyone to pay. What a disgusting shower of relatives! Someone needs to look out for the grandparents welfare and your Dh should probably have it done in a legal manner if not already done.

Agree that it sounds like some are trying to take advantage of vulnerable relatives. I think you're just right to have mentioned it your husband and I'm glad the grandparents have someone looking out for them. My own grandmother had dementia and in the end it took pretty much all her savings to get her the care she needed for her last few years. While it's a lovely idea for them to want to take you all away that money might be needed down the line to make sure they're safe and well looked after.

Thanks for the replies, DH mum is power of attorney, anything we help with is typically when they are out of contract therefore are being charged more, for example they were paying £50 for phone/internet we changed it to a £22 a month with the same company and always tell everyone what and why its been swapped just trying to save them money, we would prefer for them, should it be necessary, to have the best care with their health. We understand how lovely it would be for them to have a holiday with all the family which is why we suggested everyone pay for themselves or even look at a caravan holiday of some couldnt afford abroad. We just thought suggesting everyone pay for themselves wouldnt have been a problem but it seems to have just caused drama which is why we wondered if we'd done the right thing. Thanks for your replies its always helpful to see it from other peoples perspectives.

You are right to suggest everyone pays for themselves. Ask them how they'd feel in a couple of years when the family have spent all grandparents money and grandparents need nursing home care and the family will have to pay for it! Some people are just scroungers and it's good that you/your Dh can stand up for the vulnerable grandparents.

Well sounds like the Aunt and her DD have had years of having the grandparents subsidising their holidays so have gone into resentful mode now it's being suggested they pay their own way.

Very selfish of them and you were right to stand up for GP's