DD (nearly 12) and makeup!

[Twitchintervention]

Not sure if quite an AIBU but DD thinks I am most of the time so will stick it here anyway.

Eldest DD is nearly 12 (matter of weeks) and in year 7 at school, she is quite bright and has settled into secondary school work and routine very well and made lots of friends. We have had some great feedback from teachers and tutors.

At home we obviously have the usual “tween” arguments music practice and homework V time moping on phone, keeping room tidy and grunting/sniping at sisters but I’m hoping/presuming this all normal.

She has recently got really into asking for and wearing makeup at school and while neither her dad and I are overly happy about it, went along because she said she felt a bit outcast that she was the only one of her friend group that wasn’t allowed to wear any...

Just to be clear when I say makeup she has various shades of pale and light lipglosses, a brown mascara, an pale brown eye brow pencil (because she felt really self conscious at how, being blonde, how non existent her eyebrows were) and a MAC illuminating cream tester pot that the women very kindly gave her in House of Fraser...

However this has not only crept up since the start of term when she was happy with a clear mascara and lip balm and the makeup routine has now became the centre of her morning. She is still good at time keeping and getting herself out of the house but it’s worrying me that I have not only given her too much, too soon but that she should be putting so much importance on what she looks like 1st thing in the morning and to go to school, especially after walking in this morning to find her blotting her lips in the mirror but her hadn’t actually washed before she had put her deodorant on...

Can’t help but feel her priorities are starting to slip a little.

Wondering if it would be fair to rein it back again for school and how to do it and also what is the normal with everyone else’s DD’s of similar age as this hormonal tween stage is a whole new ball game for us!

Just take her make up box and tell her once she is washed dressed and has had breakfast she can have it.

About a handful of year 7s I teach wear make up. Tends to creep in more in year 8/9. What’s the schools policy on it? Although if you tell her no she might just apply it in the toilets at school.

I don't think this is a big deal at all. Neither do I think its anything new. certainly in the 1980s we were going to school in the first year with our blue or purple eyeliner, mascara and rimmel heather shimmer lipstick.

I'd tell her that a perfectly made up face is no good if people can smell her and therefore don't want to sit next to her and that a shower is compulsory before she starts her make up routine. No shower, no make up. I suspect she won't make the same mistake again (often)

Dd wore make up in year 7, sometimes more than I would have liked. The school had no problem with it and all her friends were wearing it so I left her to it. She now wears no make up at all and a lot of her friends have stopped too. I think they were just finding their feet at secondary school and were a bit over excited at being allowed to wear make up after the stricter rules at primary.

As long as she was attending school and working hard I was happy. If fussing about with make up had made her late or stopped her doing homework i wouldn't have been happy.

I have a dd who is 12, and some days she will wear make up and others she won't, what she wears is very light and I barely notice it, though I wasn't very happy she had started wearing foundation (bought with he own money) I feel it's best to let her deside (older dd is 14 and only very very occasionally puts on a tiny bit of makeup, although she owns enough to start her own make up counter)

Does your school have a policy you could refer her to?

Our school says something like 'no make up, but if you must wear it, it should be subtle'. In practice this means they enforce no visible makeup strongly in lower years, and relax as the children get older.

Thanks all...

It is very subtle, I called her in to check her face before she left this morning and was happy to see that although she had spend 20 minutes rubbing lotion and potions into her skin, it didn’t look like she had anything on...

It’s more the amount of time and thought invested into it from from the makeup tutorial videos to already knowing MAC is the the sought after brand and asking to go there for bday to spend money and then the makeup ritual taking up most of her morning, I’m just starting to worry it’s taking up far more headspace than it should, especially when we really push for all 3 of our DD’s to know that beauty is much deeper than face value and that there are far more interesting and inspiring things to be and do than being face pretty.

It’s good to know she is “normal” though and that hopefully the stage might pass.

I have never understood the issue some people have with young people wearing make up.

I’d ask the school about this.
It is not really good to be focused on looks at such a young age and this encourages unnecessary spending and watching shit on you tube tutorials.
At school I would have it banned until year 11 actually, unless it was just to cover acne.

She just needs to get up earlier to allow the time to do the make up. There is nothing wrong with them starting to use make up at 12, but if she is skipping a shower t take the time she simply needs to get up 15 minutes earlier. I would just say to her that if she is adding this into her morning routine she must allow time for the rest of it. Nobody likes a smelly teenager, make up or not!

My year 9 DD and all her friends have been wearing make up since year 7. School allows it as long as it’s subtle. DD wanted ‘Mac’ and ‘Morphe’ products for birthday/Xmas and I think they do spend lots of time watching YouTube tutorials etc.

However, they are all really grounded girls who seem to have a good grasp of their self-worth. They are not plastered in it and don’t do the scary eyebrows thing (DD has started having hers professionally threaded and tinted as I wanted to prevent that).

My dd is in y11 and can do her makeup in 15minutes. In y7 she wore too much and it was badly applied but she's much better now and applies a more natural look. She's very lucky that her hair is poker straight so she doesn't have to spend ages on that too. She has friends who spend an hour on makeup and an hour on hair before school. Like yours, mine is ready in plenty of time so I can't complain.

The makeup brand thing is normal. Kids learn about premium brands like Mac on YouTube. I remember having to talk to dd about how Zoella wearing Nars doesn't mean that her fans should too. (She was a Zoella fan in primary ) Luckily dd is happy with Boots/Superdrug although she's bought daddy stuff like Kylie Jenner lip kits.

Thanks all!

Neither do I think its anything new. certainly in the 1980s we were going to school in the first year with our blue or purple eyeliner, mascara and rimmel heather shimmer lipstick.
Yet another reason why I am happy social media wasn't a thing then 😂
Bright blue mascara, white eye liner, the darkest lips 😁

It’s not new
But the extreme marketing is
The you tube people have a lot to answer to as most people cannot afford this
I am on a very good salary and don’t have this amount of money to spend on make up
Kids aren’t wearing Rimmel these days

I am glad at aged 8 I let my DD get on with it. By 10 she could professionally do a face of make up on herself better than me!! (Although not out of the house - mascara and lip gloss out of the house on special occasions)

At 13/yr 9 she does not wear a scrap - she can't be bothered and doesn't feel the pull to do that even in school.

Your DD is wearing a small amount, your issue is she spends time doing it in the morning - she is not late and manages her time. I am really not sure what your issue is.

We were at her friends this weekend and she is currently obsessed with make up, she did not believe DD could do make up AT ALL as she never wore any - so DD did her face for her and she was blown away - was quite funny.

My point is don't make it something you fall out over, continue building her self esteem and confidence and encourage her to go make up free to keep her skin blemish free at weekends etc. Let her learn how to do it properly (it is a valid interest to be fair) and use good quality make up.

Oh I drew the line at MAC ha - she has a few things still from higher range products. But she does also know the value of a £ bless her

Everyone is responding to the make up and ignoring the fact that she is neglecting to shower so she can do this. For me that is a far bigger issue. As I said previously, if she gets up 15 mins early, fine, if not, washing takes priority.

I totally get it OP but I think it's natural that around this time kids suddenly become more focused on their looks and spend more time doing make up because it's new and they're working it out. I do think you should insist on her having a shower and a proper breakfast in the morning.If she can manager her time herself then great otherwise she's not allowed to put make up on until the rest is done. I don't think you can stop her being into her looks though she'll probably push back more if you try and stop her. It doesn't mean she's becoming vacuous - she's just experimenting at this age.

I started wearing make-up around 11-12 - foundation, and sometimes mascara and lip gloss as I went into puberty at around 9 and my skin was pretty bad. In a way, it allowed me to focus on other things because I wasn’t m so self conscious anymore. Only thing is no one showed me how to put it on etc so it took me a while to learn. And my mum was against it in the beginning so I had to find ways to hide doing it. Note that that didn’t stop me.

I think it would be best to talk to her about how to apply make up, the order of things (shower comes first!!) etc.

And btw I continued to be a very high achieving student - wearing make up and being a hard working student had nothing to do with each other.

My dd has just started in Yr 7 and I gave her a little make up set for Christmas. I don’t think it’s so much about covering her self in slap as just doing what her friends do. She puts a little mascara on and feels like she’s joining in I guess.

Self care. Let her enjoy it.

However, remind her that fundamentals matter so being smelly and nicely groomed doesn't work!
Also, help her explore cheaper brands. Tell her she'll be able to try out a wider range of products from the Wilko's own and maybelline Ranges than she will Mac.

Just to clarify she does wash, though with 5 of us getting ready in the morning, haven’t gone down the shower in the morning route. She showers at night which is why I’m quite insistent that she has a quick wash in the morning before putting deodorant on and then if she has time makeup...

She is quite ditzy by nature, and we have had issue with attention and concentration in the past so we are really proud of her coping with high school and different routine so well but also why I worry about her putting makeup, flapping about with headphones, phones and Fitbit music playlist (I didn’t know this was a thing till this morning 🤣) ahead of eating a healthy breakfast, making she her teeth are brushed and washing properly.

Thanks for all your advice, it’s glad to know she is just like any other 12 year old and I think I will go with the PP’s advice of taking makeup/phones etc out of her room until she has done all the important stuff and then whatever time she has left she can beauty away!!

Yes it’s a slippery slope with brands, we have actually bought her some decent facewash and light SPF moistures suited to younger skin (Clinique, Neal’s Yard etc) as was trying to install the importance of looking after your skin, hair and teeth rather than layering with makeup by her Aunty bought her some MAC lipgloss and now look at her little vanity case (as I’m applying my Aldi’s face cream) and thinking I’ve got nowhere really to go from here!!!

I am night shower person and I never wash again in the morning- the deodorant I use is the Mitchum gel that you put on before bed, could you buy that for her?