AIBU To expect better?

[LearningMySelfWorth]

I had my last post pulled after I posted in an angry and emotional state revealing too many details that would have been incredibly outing.

Since the 26th December a friend has started ghosting me out of nowhere. We'd been having a very standard chat and nothing remotely offensive or controversial was said, then he completely blanks any and all messages but reads the ones in group chats were in and is online constantly. So he has either muted (which he only ever does at my request), archived (which he may have done if he'd been out drinking) or is just ignoring me, all of which are really ignorant options tbh. I would have said in the past that we were very close friends (I spent the run up to Christmas with him and his family at his request, he asked that I stay till the 2nd but was fine when I said I could only stay till the 24th).

I've no idea what I've done to upset or offend him, he could just be sick of being my friend or doesn't think the messages 'worthy' of a reply (not a clue because he hasn't even read them). If we didn't run in the same social and spiritual circles I would have called him out on this already and asked him what he's playing at, (or messaged his sister to find out as we're quite good friends) or deleted him. As it is however I can't because I would then have everyone wanting to know what the problem is when as far as I was concerned everything was fine.

His sister did mention in one message that he'd been stressed about being home and going back to work in the new year and that the moment I left he went into a funk and was massively grouchy/grumpy with everyone and that she thinks part of his problem generally is that he fancies me. (I don't think this for a second, I think that we're good friends and get on well together and have great chemistry) and even if I'd ever thought that/liked him in return or if he does like me I have no idea what he hopes to achieve by playing this game as all it is doing is upsetting me and pissing me off with him and tainting our friendship as it is.

AIBU to expect a grown man to be able to communicate without playing these stupid games and give me the respect I deserve. Especially as I only messaged him because he asked me too as I was leaving.

What/How do I deal with the emotions from this, questions about how he's doing from mutual friends and challenge him on his behaviour when the only other form of contact I have is his uni email or a possibly out of date phone number, as both of those options sound stalkerish to me. I could get my best friend or another mutual friend of ours to message him and find out what's going on but I don't want to draw them into this as he's not done anything to them and it is none of their business.

There is an anonymous uni confessions page on facebook that he follows that I could throw a passive aggressive message to him about how shitty this type of thing is without naming him.

This is my problem with social media, group messaging and even regular texting. It actually creates the perfect storm for reacting to someones behaviour or lack of responding. There have been crazy fall outs . If you want to speak to someone, ring them up. Unless they reject your call you will straight away know . Talk!

Did you see what I said on your other post about people just dropping off your friends list unintentionally? It's happened me before, and when I sent them a friends request, they re-established contact. Try it.

@Confusedbeetle, I don’t know if the number I have for him works, and I don’t think he has mine so isn’t likely to answer anyway.

I’m less concerned about him not messaging or replying than I am annoyed about it because I’ve only messaged him because he asked me to and he’s messaging/talking to other friends and I think it’s more than ignorant to request I message him only for him to talk/answer anyone but me:

@Singlenotsingle, no I didn’t sorry, he’s still on my friends list and comes up whenever he’s online as being online. If I didn’t find us disrespectful (I’d be happy with a don’t message me or I’m busy can’t chat response) and I wasn’t being hounded by mutual friends about how he’s doing I’d just ignore it.

If you have his number to WhatsApp you can call, right?

We just talk via Facebook messanger.

What a mountain out of a molehill. Email him?

Why don't you try calling the number you've got - it might work?!

And can I ask, why would you ask him to mute you in a conversation?

We just talk via Facebook messanger what?! Is he a real friend or an online one?! Who doesn't call their friends?!

@MrsAriadneOliver, I’m high functioning autistic, communication isn’t something that I find easy and then I spend ages stressing about and overthinking about if it’s appropriate or not.

@Gazelda, I have drunk dialed/messaged him before so as a precaution I’ve asked him to mute it if I know I’m going to get drunk. He does the same when he drinks. It’s not to do with embarrassment or anything but so we don’t wake up or disturb the other during the night. It’s sosmthing all my friends do so we don’t annoy or disturb anyone.

@katykins85, friends where one is autistic with an auditory processing disorder and the other is probably autistic with social anxiety. When we meet up or visit at each other’s homes/cities we arrange via Facebook messenger. We’re uni friends and have been on holiday twice together with another two friends and we were all talking about booking up to go away together again this summer.

drunk dialed/messaged him before so as a precaution I’ve asked him to mute it if I know I’m going to get drunk

This is so weird

@MrsAriadneOliver, why’s it weird for us to mute the chats we have when we’re drinking or likely to disturb the other? We’ve all got commitments and jobs/studying and it’s not fair to wake the other because we’ve nothing on the next day.

Maybe he's muted you and forgotten to unmute?
Surely it works make more sense for him to just put his phone on silent if he doesn't want to be disturbed?
I'm guessing you're a different generation to me, as the communication habits you and your friends are very different to mine!

Why would you be drinking to the extent that you’re drunk texting and disturbing people? Is that what people do when drunk? I find it bizarre that this is something to consider

Can you go and see him face to face? Would probably save a lot of guessing on your end. Or speak to his sister and see if she can get him to check he hasn't accidentally muted you?

@MrsAriadneOliver, because we’re uni students and after uni we’ll have actual meaningful and important responsibilities that we can’t deal with while hungover.

@Gazelda, were early 20’s, he doesn’t like to silence his phone as his grandad is in ill health and he’s worried about him and wants to be able to be reached by his mum. He just silences individual chats instead. It’s unlikely, I’ve not drank since early last year, decided that it wasn’t for me.

@CustardCreamLover, he’s working on placement at the other end of the country at the moment or I’d of gone round already. I think I’ll give him till the end of the week and then I’ll message his sister to ask how he is as I’ve not heard anything from him for awhile. I’m just cautious about not ‘playing’ them against each other, if that makes sense.

because we’re uni students and after uni we’ll have actual meaningful and important responsibilities that we can’t deal with while hungover

I can’t believe I was ever this juvenile, immature and stupid, even at uni.

The mind boggles. Totally ridiculous behaviour.

My immediate thought is the same as Gazelda - he's muted you the last time you asked and forgotten he's done it. Can you email him? Write a note and post it? Ask a mutual friend if they've heard from him as you're concerned he's been quiet?

and after uni we’ll have actual meaningful and important responsibilities
So uni is......?

A) Nobody deserves respect. Respect is earned.

B) You’re incorrectly using the word ‘ignorant’. It doesn’t make sense in the contexts you’ve used it in.

C) Being a uni student isn’t an excuse for drunk texting/dialling; that’s just poor behaviour.

D) He’s probably forgotten he muted you after you last asked him to (which, I agree with pp, is completely bizarre. I’ve never heard of such behaviour).

You have a lot of growing up to do. Maybe stop drinking, as it is impeding your ability to do the growing up that you need to be doing, as well as stopping you from having positive social interactions.

You're not a teenager! I was a married mother of 2, teaching in my first job by the age of 23!!

Young people these days seem to delay 'adulthood' later and later..I honestly despair!!

OP, while MN is full of people from all walks of life and opinions, I'm thinking that there might be a more suitable forum for you to chat this problem through on.

I think you are in a different demographic to the majority of mNers, most of whom are unlikely to be familiar with the comms style that you and your friends seem to use.

That's not to say you're not welcome here, but I think you might find more useful replies elsewhere.

I'm probably a similar demographic to the OP

1. I have never muted a chat, as I can control myself if I had a drink or was drunk. If I wanted to message someone I would
2. Its quite clear from the little you've posted there is something else going on between you. The even slight mention he's attracted to you - maybe this is a reason for his behaviour. Maybe he can't do the whole friends thing anymore.

Nobody here can give any sort of insight into your relationship with him or why he has disappeared. If you want to talk to him then call him, you don't need to wait for him to read your messages. Everything you have said points to a much closer relationship than two friends, so I would start by thinking about why your friends ask you how he is rather than other friends.

@Gazelda, that’s fair, although I don’t get the ‘dispair’ over our behaviour. We make sure no one is in dangerous situations, like drinking so much they need medical attention or are becoming ill, we don’t go out into town clubbing. We get drunk once a term and that’s it. There’s no ONS, drugs or vandalism, or drug taking, the muting is precautionary as we don’t know what others are going the next day and don’t want to disturb people. And the messages are restricted to maybe a stupid selfie or similar, nothing bad. Most of our down time is either having movie nights or games nights or baking days, because the typical student life isn’t something we usually engage in.

@Ozil10, I’m going to have to see if I can contact him tbh, I don’t know what’s going on in his head but if it is something I’ve done I’d rather know, if it’s something else I want him to know I’m here if/when he wants to talk and that I’m glad he’s ok.

There has been a lot of good advice and that it’s ok for me to find an alternative way to communicate with him if I can’t get in touch with him. I apologise for my incorrect use of ignorant and the like, but I posted in a rush an while still rather emotional, it’s very clear as to what I meant. I don’t understand the need on mumsnet to pull apart the posts spelling/grammar or to attack the OP. I’m not questioning my behaviour or what me and my friends do occasionally. We’re not hurting anyone and are significantly better behaved than most other uni students who go out of their way to ‘live on the edge’ and no one is saying that you have to join or approve and tbh most uni students are doing far worse. Plus it does say further up the chat that I’ve not drank for quite awhile as it had lost the appeal, but if I feel like getting drunk in the future I will, life is too short for me to not enjoy it for fear what people will say.

And for the posters who are questioning why it’s fine to not class uni as a responsibility I have 10 contact hours a week and four hours a day set reading, plus coursework, societies and revision. It’s hardly taxing and whatever bad decisions I make I live with and work through without an issue when they arise, thankfully so far there haven’t been any.