To ask how you separate? Practically.

[Grrrrgah]

DH and I together 12 years, married 4. DS3 and DC2 due any day. I think our relationship has reached its end. I suspect DH is waiting until after I've recovered from having DC2 to have the conversation, but I'm pretty sure it's coming. It isn't unexpected and would be mutual.

But how do we do it?

We own a house, have a large mortgage that neither can afford alone and have just renewed for 5 years.

Have separate finances with the exception of a joint account for all household and child related bills.

One car, owned by DH (V5) but driven and insured by me.

I'll be on mat leave for 12 months. Otherwise I work full time. DH is the higher earner but due to job type (private industry Vs public service). About 40/60.

Custody would be 50/50.

What practical steps do I need to take? How do I prepared for this and make it as physically easy as possible?

Thanks

Debts, we have mortgage. I have 4k on credit card and DH had 2k.

I have 3k in savings, DH has around 1500.

The housing situation is the one to focus on and for that you should both talk to a solicitor. Does it make sense for one of you to move out, continue to share, sell and split any proceeds etc.? There are lots of options.
The second is how 50;50 custody will work. Are you thinking of a nanny or nursery? If a nanny and you have separate homes, think how that might work in practice. Above all, that cost needs to be split between you both.
Your case seems straightforward enough given the financial side and hopefully you can navigate it with strength. Good luck with the new baby!

Go to a family solicitor and talk to them. They'll go through every detail with you. I hope it stays amicable.

With a tiny baby, how would 50/50 look to you?

Do you have enough goodwill to split but keep living together for a year?

It'd be nursery. DS is currently at nursery and gets his free hours soon. DC2 will go to a childminder/ different nursery (DSs nursery is 2+ only).

sofato5miles not sure get. Ideally week on week off but with a tiny one that wouldn't be practical until they go in to childcare. I suspect it'd be 50/50 with DS and more visitation with DC2 until they can stay overnight.

We have the space to remain living together but I'm not sure I have the tolerance and it might do the relationship more harm to be honest.

I think you need to see a solicitor before you start to negotiate.

Could you both afford to rent a 2 bed flat near by cheaply and half a room each so the children can remain in the home with the parent doing their visitation?

sofato5miles certainly not whilst on mat leave.

I think practically it would be most sensible for me to move out and continue to pay my portion of the mortgage whilst renting and for DH to have the house (footing all the bills and his portion of the mortgage). I think that's the cheapest option as it's an expensive house to run.

If we sell up in the next year we have to pay 14k in mortgage exit fees so makes sense to wait at least a year (when the fees halve).

Why do you need to move out? You are just about to give birth to his child. Does he seriously think his needs are greater?

Does he seriously think his needs are greater?

Where on earth have you got that from??? I suspect he'll suggest he moves out.

I'm moving out because the rent on a smaller place would be cheaper than the council tax and electricity on this place, let alone the other bills. Plus a smaller place would be easier to manage.

We'd then sell the joint house once the release fees are reduced.

I don't know whether just to have the conversation now? Rather than waiting. Feels like something is hanging over us.

I'd not be able to wait but I'm a blurter by nature.

If it's fairly mutual & no blame, why wait?

Is it for practical support during the birth?

@Waddsup12 I think DH isn't mentioning it until after the birth as he's worried about how I'll deal with it. I suspect a small part of him thinks (or is scared) that I'll excluded him from the birth and the early days.

I'm not worried, I'm sure he'll still be supportive and he's a great father so know he'll prioritize the comfort and welfare of the kids.

I also think he's worried about talking about it now due to the massive upheaval for DS that's about to come with the baby, and us separating will only make that worse.

I think you sound fairly sorted. I think I'd risk a chat but maybe take it carefully.

You agree it needs to happen but also that you need to cohabit like adults and coparent for the next 12-18m until you're both in a better position and the children are more stable.

If you try and separate on maternity leave OP you will be screwed. Also 50/50 with a newborn? That's optimistic isn't it?

You sound like you know what you both need and clear and sensible. Maybe have a chat so it clears the air for both of you. I wonder could you co habit for a period of time - it migh tg make sense while new baby is here. Especially for your 3 year old. Tough time for you but hope it all works out.

I would be reluctant to move out

Also 50/50 with a newborn? That's optimistic isn't it?

Practically it'd be difficult, that's for certain.

I would be reluctant to move out

Why?