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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take the presents back?

26 replies

FairyFace · 07/01/2019 11:43

So back story is that dh isn't overly close to his siblings, one of them lives quite close to us, rural, and the other about 30 mins drive, he is the youngest and they have a tendancy to leave him out of the loop so to say in any family matters. This doesn't really bother us, we are happy to do our own thing.

At Christmas we get each others kids presents, his siblings are well off regarding money, now so are we, both good jobs etc. Last year I got his brothers kids some gifts, lets say spent £40 each on them, had them in a big oversized Christmas gift bag. Didn't see them over xmas despite being only a few doors away, but like I said that's because both aren't overly close.

In January last year bil called by himself to drop off gifts for my kids and I gave him the bag of gifts I had for his, he looked embarrassed and we had general chit chat and off he went , kids opened their gifts and I have to say I was a little annoyed, clearly both of the toys were from the 2 for £15 pound aisle in our local toy shop. Absolute tat.

No thought put into them at all which was more annoying than the price. Anyway I said to myself and dh agreed that we wouldn't let it stop us from picking out suitable nice gifts for nieces and nephews.

Fast forward to this year, haven't seen them all over xmas, dh has seen bil alright but nothng was said about gifts. SIL was here over xmas and I went to give her the gifts for her kids but she said no wait until I have the gifts with me for yours kids. So I am here in Jan with bags full of gifts for dn & dnephews and to be honest I don't think any of them have bothered to get ours anything. If they had, they would have arranged to meet etc.

Would I be unreasonable to either return them or give them to my own kids and not bother anymore, its seriously pissing me off. I went to the bother during the year to find out what they were into and get nice gifts I knew they would like.

I also was told that sil has a room full of presents she gets for her kids that she wont let them open and re gifts them or tells the kids she is giving them to charity, which further annoyed me, I mean give the bloody gift to the child if someone has given it to them. I don't mind holdng back on gifts if a child has gotten a load and giving them to them throughtout the year etc.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 07/01/2019 11:49

My bro and Sil did this last we spent quite abit and the presents were disgraceful my da got a second hand scratched Xbox 360 game. I culled it this year and got DNephew and Dniece a small toy and a book, they since dropped presents off at my parents but I’m not rushing around to give them that’s for sure.

wednesday32 · 07/01/2019 12:28

It sounds like it's time to stop with the gift giving. They clearly don't need the extra toys and sounds like they don't all have the same budget as yourself to spend equal amounts. I would return the gifts and say from now on you're only buying for your own as Christmas is expensive enough as it is and its not like the children are going without. If you decide to continue buying gifts for them then accept that the gesture wont be reciprocated how you would like. You should give to give not to receive. x

RoboticSealpup · 07/01/2019 12:34

Why do you do this? There are so many people on Mumsnet who buy exquisite, well thought out, relatively costly presents for people they are not particularly close to and then express their disappointment and resentment when the recipients haven't made the same effort. You're clearly not on the same page when it comes to gift giving, so either give presents to their children and expect nothing, or stop making such an effort. If I were you I wouldn't buy anything more after finding out what SIL does with the presents!

Original poster
FairyFace · 07/01/2019 12:47

I suggested a couple of years ago to get small gifts more so tokens for lets say £10 each and they wouldn't do that, I think the whole point of it is to meet up around cmas exchange gifts let the kids play etc as opposed to the bloody politics of this. I really wouldn't mind my kids getting nothing from them, its more the pile of gifts here being wasted and not knowing if I need to have them or not, I would be embarrassed if they called with gifts and I had nothing you know?

OP posts:
Santaisfastasleepatlast · 07/01/2019 12:52

Sounds like you make effort, they go to the sales /not at all!!
Give them to charity and get something in the sales /not at all.

FortunesFave · 07/01/2019 13:25

clearly both of the toys were from the 2 for £15 pound aisle in our local toy shop. Absolute tat.

I find this attitude unbelievably ugly. "Tat" It's as though you count up what you spend and expect the same in return.

Foul.

lazyarse123 · 07/01/2019 13:31

Could you save them one present each to give if they turn up with something for yours and then share the rest out with your children.

Original poster
FairyFace · 07/01/2019 13:44

Fortunes fave they were tat, my daughters was missing pieces from it, so she couldn't use it and my sons was for age way younger than what he is, its the fact no thought was put into it when I had put effort into getting their kids things I knew they were into. Nothing foul about it at all. Slight over reaction from you tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
FairyFace · 07/01/2019 13:47

@lazyarse123 I will hold onto them, because like I said my own kids have lots to play with and probably wouldn't be into some of the gifts because of age range etc, just annoyed that what could have been an excuse to get the kids together and exchange gifts is a big waste. I felt bad as I had the gifts ready to give to sil whilst her kids were here and they were all excited to receive them and she wouldn't let me give them at the time! Its seems so much effort I wonder if I could just explain it to them that there is no real point with the gift thing if we don't meet up at Christmas and enjoy seeing them play and open the gifts.

OP posts:
OfficeSlave · 07/01/2019 14:00

Just stop doing it i would say. Give those presents to your children, don't mention christmas or presents again. If she does, just say, 'oh, sorry christmas is over, didnt think we were doing it anymore. In any case, we are not buying presents next year, you dont need to buy anything for us, enjoy!'

Nobody is entitled to gifts, not even children.
It doesn't make you a bad aunt and uncle if you dont give a gift. And in this case you tried to find out what they like, you made an effort, you tried.
It sounds like they arent in need of any more toys if she stockpiles or re-gifts. The children themselves probably won't notice if you don't buy in the future.
None of you are close, this is more obligation based. There's no joy in it. Its a chore.

These giftgiving rituals with folk we don't even really know or like or are close to is actually bonkers and just ends up being a total waste of time and brings out the worst in us (like scoffing at a less expensive toy!!). The looming sense of obligation, the entitled behaviour, the wastage, the greed and politics of it all. unless of course we are genuinely giving a gift to someone you really like or love, without expectation or reward, just a thoughtful gift.... But that seems much more rare these days!
The more and more i see IRL and online about christmas gift giving the more i hate it.

crosstalk · 07/01/2019 14:10

Leave it be and regift what you've got . And sometime during the year just make sure your DH mentions to his brother and SIL that you are putting a gift on presents - or no presents at all if that suits them better. I bet you didn't get thank you notes either. You've been generous and thoughtful, they haven't, and it's making you feel sour. So just make it clear cut for their birthdays and next Christmas.

Original poster
FairyFace · 07/01/2019 14:16

Thanks ladies your right, I don't like the way it makes me feel, it starts out as a great thing as I love shopping for gifts that people will like, and I do love our nieces and nephews , I think I am probably more annoyed at the lack of effort from their part, not so much what they buy but the fact they don't bother to meet up when exchanging and seeing the kids enjoy the time together. I will just mention that its silly giving gifts once the xmas is over and next year I am happy to not exchange and save everyone the time and expense. Maybe suggest bringing all the kids to lunch or somewhere fun.

Now, that out of my system I am off to hoover about 3 million pines from the tree ! x

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 07/01/2019 21:12

Your original complaint wasn't that pieces were missing but that they were from the 2 for fifteen pounds shelf.

Which IS a foul attitude. What's wrong with a gift costing 7 pounds? Nothing. If you'd said "There were pieces missing" that's a different issue.

birdiewoof · 07/01/2019 21:15

I stopped buying for my sil’s kids because she always bought tat that came after Christmas

OhFlipMama · 07/01/2019 21:22

@FortunesFave Agreed - your disgust at the tat comment. How mean-spirited. Children often love cheaper toys just as much as dearer ones.

OhFlipMama · 07/01/2019 21:23

Re pieces missing, it happens occasionally. Just take it to the shop, explain and swap.

Original poster
FairyFace · 07/01/2019 21:48

@fortunesfave yes I called it tat because it was tat Hmm nothing wrong with a gift being inexpensive it's that there was no thought put into it. And anything in those 2 for £15 aisles are exactly that. Cheap tat that they can't sell ! @biriewoof I think your right to do so. I know there was no effort at all put into it between what was got and like you say not meeting until after Christmas. The point of giving a gift is to pick up something nice for someone no matter the price. I will always try to get any of the kids school mates little gifts for £10 and under when their is a school party but I will put a bit of effort into it and refrain from the TAT Wink

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 08/01/2019 02:19

Anything in those 2 for 15 aisles are exactly that...tat

Well.

Aren't you lovely? God forbid anyone with a small income reads that ugly comment. The point of giving a gift is NOT to pick up something nice for someone no matter the price

It's to GIVE a gift. It's to show you care. Your attitude is horrendous.

Herewegoagain12345 · 08/01/2019 03:43

What a horrible thing to say about it being TAT. Not everyone has plenty of cash to throw around, and some of the offer items are very appealing to children. Leading to much role play and laughing and mental development. Just because a toy cost £7 instead of £40 doesn’t necessarily mean it has less value on the impact to the children or the pleasure it brings.

And returning your nieces and nephews gifts would seem petty. Just drop them off. “Don’t worry about exchanging anything nobody is expecting anything we just wanted them to get theirs”. Job done

mayflower43 · 08/01/2019 04:32

And anything in those 2 for £15 aisles are exactly that. Cheap tat that they can't sell

Oh no, I often buy toys in the 2 for £15 range for others. I did this Christmas, last Christmas, birthdays etc. What must their parents think of me? I thought they were nice presents and all the time they were thought of as cheap tat. Oh dear, I feel a little ashamed that their parents are thinking the gifts are just cheap tat that Argos etc can't sell. How embarrassing!

emzw12 · 08/01/2019 05:01

Just don't do presents - end of!
Give a donation to charity instead...

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/01/2019 05:06

The gifts your dcs got were perhaps tat as one was too young and the other had parts missing. However YABU to say eveything from these ranges is tat. Younger children like things like this. You enjoy giving something others will love. Others can’t be arsed. Do they shoe they care about your kids in other ways? I suspect not, which is why you are riled.

indecisivepigeon · 08/01/2019 05:18

One man’s tat is another man’s treasure....

Or so it would seem from this thread Grin

Btw I think the 2 for £15 is most definitely tat but my kids love it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
FairyFace · 08/01/2019 15:19

@mummyoflittledragon, oh no they don't and I think you've hit the nail on the head, its a mixture of all these things that has annoyed me, spoke to dh , who doesn't get bothered by these things, and he just agreed not to bother with gifts, if they like can offer for the nieces and nephews to come to lunch with us or cinema and that way the kids get to spend time with their cousins and we cut out the presents :)

OP posts:
Gomyownway · 08/01/2019 15:45

Why would you spend £40 on kids you barely know?

Bizarre.