where to start with anger issues New Years Resolution

[nojellybabies]

I think I've got mild anger issues which are holding me back and making life less pleasant for those around me.

It probably comes from anger at my parents (these things always do don't they?)

It's good in that I get changes made and achieve a lot because I direct the anger outwords - the anger turns to indignation and that helps me achieve some worthwhile things.

But a lot of the time it's ineffective. I might say one thing that's fine because it's rehearsed and quite positive but then it's like I can't stop and this torrent of words comes out.

Does anyone have any experience or advice? I'm trying to recognise other people's anger and see how it is/isn't effective. I'm observing the good habits of people who never get angry. But you can tell that the non-angry people have got something strong inside them that I don't seem to have.

I don't get angry with my husband or children though I do get ratty - it's more about issues outside the home.

Contact Mind and see if they're running any Anger Management courses in the near future.

thanks Posy. would it "count" if it's just ranting about littering, that kind of thing?

@nojellybabies I suppose it depends what you mean by ranting? Are you raising your voice, getting very agitated, shouting, swearing etc? Have you ever noticed any physical changes to your body when you're ranting such as increased heart rate, getting hot etc? Who are you "ranting" to and do they see it as a problem? I'm not saying you have to answer here, these are just questions to think about.

I might say one thing that's fine because it's rehearsed and quite positive but then it's like I can't stop and this torrent of words comes out.

This ^^ bit stands out to me. It sounds like you feel like you're out of control and so it does sound like it's a problem. It's never good when we feel we can't control what comes out of our mouths.

DH Saw a therapist to help with anger management and it was excellent. Can you do that? Ours was sorted (and paid for) through work as well - but it was a large corporate with lots of employee support so not sure that's available for most people.

thanks. I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed about this thread so may namechange in a bit.

That in itself probably means there's something I'm not dealing with here. I think when you are ashamed of something you can't move on IYSWIM.

My anger comes out as indignation - often justified - often put to genuinely good ends in that I achieve lasting positive change for other people.

I don't think I raise my voice exactly or shout. But certainly people have said they don't like my tone, etc. Plus the "rules" for women are a bit different aren't they? Just having the tense throat/tense voice thing shows your anger and continuing to talk when I've made my point is definitely a problem (though that is partly, I think, to do with maybe being slightly on the spectrum - there is a "weak" relationship between my thought and speech at the best of times)

I'm thinking how much more I could do if I could be calmer! :)

I appreciate both your responses btw.

I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed about this thread

That's understandable although the really positive thing is you're asking for help. I did the Mind anger management course last year and one of the things they taught us was recognising your anger is half of the battle. If you don't recognise it you can't do anything about it but once you become more aware of it and pick up on the little signs before it gets to anger then you can put things into place to stop it.

Anger can be a positive thing when like you say it can be put to good use. Anger can also be very justified depending on the situation. But anger can also be bad when for example you say people pick up on your tone.

Honestly though I think the best thing you can do is get professional help whether that be through a course or a one to one therapist. Personally I found the group course more helpful as it puts things into context better but you may find one to one more helpful.

thanks. I may have something in my eye.

was the course local to you? did you feel embarrassed?

I'm also a bit worried I might be on a course with violent men (which would, of course, make me angry....) or with someone I know locally.

I'm also a bit worried I might be on a course with violent men (which would, of course, make me angry....) or with someone I know locally.

Yes the course was relatively local to me. Don't worry they chat to people before allowing them on the course and make sure nobody is a threat. Everybody in the group has to keep everything confidential including who is on the course. So even if you do see somebody you know, remember they are there for the same reason as you and they can't go tell their mates they saw you there. There are also generally rules about if something someone has said or done at group sessions makes you angry it's managed within the group, talked about etc but ultimately everyone does have to be supportive of one another as everyone is there because they want to change.

I did feel a bit embarrassed but knew everyone felt the same so it was okay and was a really supportive group in the end.