Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to just think this is my life now. No chance of a career etc

35 replies

Lifecanbeabeach2 · 06/01/2019 18:22

We just celebrated my daughters 5th birthday which is amazing and I love her more than anything in everyway. She has just started school but only part time.

So now I’m feeling deflated. I had daughter at 22 just as I finished training.
She wasn’t planned but i decided to try make it work.
Then she was born seriously ill, her dad left and we were in hospital for the first 2 years.
She now has a lot of cares to do at home, especially during the night. She has still been in and out of hospital.
I’m now 27 in a tiny London council flat on full benefits. I get no time, I can’t go out because babysitters need to be trained.
I looked in to different careers but with childcare is a massive issue ( I would still need to be there in hospitals and up all night doing cares )
Job I would probably be fired as would require so much time off
I thought I would get some time when started school but I have to drop her off at 9 and pick her up for 12 so basically 2 hours of “ spare time”
I haven’t even had my hair done in 5 years or watched an adult movie at the cinema etc.
Am I shit person for having moment of wishing my life would be different!

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 06/01/2019 18:29

Oh darling girl - you have been through the mill. Maybe see your doctor and ask for advice of more help you could get. Is there any work you could do at home?

Wishiwaswonderwoman87 · 06/01/2019 18:32

Why don't you take some time for you for this next week while? Get your hair done.. watch a movie at the cinema gather some time for you. It sound like it's been a hard slog and you have to remember that the best mum you can be means you need some time for you too. Take some time to think about what your passion is and what's workable from that?

Don't rush into working because you feel you have to right now. Plan ahead about what is worthwhile.

I say this as a parent who took 4 years out of work before restarting part time after being full-time carer.

Lifecanbeabeach2 · 06/01/2019 18:33

Nothing I can really find at home well in the skills I have anyway.
I just feel like I’m not me anymore.
Not really sure what or who I am.
I have none of my original friends. They gave up years ago.
I would love so much to get out of London but have no way of doing so. I hate living here everything is so expensive even going to the local soft play is a massive treat haha

OP posts:
RadioGagga · 06/01/2019 18:36

Ok firstly benefits are there for people like you. It might be a case of accepting the way things are and trying to find something you can do around your daughter. Also remember to make time for you and don't feel guilty.

Wishiwaswonderwoman87 · 06/01/2019 18:37

Don't rush. If the right thing comes along by all means jump at it but for now if you are relatively comfortable take the school time to get some of you back.

Maybe a parents support group or a class or some sort of college class to find some time for you and some support

Wishiwaswonderwoman87 · 06/01/2019 18:38

Agree with radiogagga.

MustShowDH · 06/01/2019 18:39

Sounds tough.

Maybe living outside of London in a smaller community would be cheaper and have more opportunities to form a support Network. We live in a village just outside the M25, so transport is still pretty good (if you don't drive.) You can still get into London for hospital appointments etc.
The community spirit is ok and access to help groups might make the difference, having 2-3 trained babysitters to choose from would give you freedom.

MustShowDH · 06/01/2019 18:41

Oh and I've been accused of benefit bashing on here before and I do think there are a number of scroungers, but you are in exactly the position that I think SHOULD be helped for as long as you need.

Lifecanbeabeach2 · 06/01/2019 18:42

Yes I have though massively about moving out of London however the little family I do have is here.
I would still like to move really but have no idea how to go about it in regards to flat.

OP posts:
GobblersKnob · 06/01/2019 18:44

You sound bloody amazing. I hope others have useful suggestions.

Ekorre · 06/01/2019 18:45

I get it.

My son needs lots of support. We have had a change of headteacher meaning he is now school refusing a lot so looking at home Ed. Not what I want but seems to be the way to go.

I have given up on getting my career back ever. Never see friends anymore. I feel like a servant to be honest. But his dad found it all too hard and fucked off so I know I have to step up.

Lifecanbeabeach2 · 06/01/2019 18:46

That’s another think mustshoeDH due to us being cut off from child tax and dla and carers last year I’m riddled in debt as had to lend to survive whilst the government decided whether my child has infact been disabled since 2015 !
But it’s all sorted now but haven’t caught up which is problem contributing to me feeling a bit trapped !
I suppose it’s just been 5 years of this so now it seems that it’s all that I know!

OP posts:
freddiethegreat · 06/01/2019 18:47

Why is your daughter part time? She is entitled to full time education. School have a responsibility to plan for & accommodate her, not just to say ‘she has to be part time’. And you have rights too (to education, work & leisure). Put your foot down. School won’t like it, but that’s really not your problem!

Seventiescarpetswirls · 06/01/2019 18:49

Could you look into a council flat swap to a different area? Some people I know of have swapped with someone in a different council area (although same county) so it seems possible? If you don't see your family weekly could you look to swap into a neighbouring but cheaper area?

x2boys · 06/01/2019 18:51

Are there any groups for children with similar health issues? My son is healthy but has complex disabilities, which isn't the same but I also can't work because of it I joined a lot of online groups and a local rl group and met a great bunch of friends is this something you could do?

Lifecanbeabeach2 · 06/01/2019 18:52

Yes I will 100 percent look in to it. Currently we live local to mr daughter specialist doctors, so when she is poorly we auto go to our local with her specialist so will be something that changes as our local hospital so on admissions would be different ( she has to be admitted with every spiked fever )
I think I just need to take a step back and evaluate everything
I just want to give her the best life but right now I don’t think this is it.

OP posts:
Lifecanbeabeach2 · 06/01/2019 18:53

Freddiethegreat for her to go full time we need a nurse, we are currently fighting for one unfortunately it isn’t the schools fault :(

OP posts:
reindeermania · 06/01/2019 18:53

I'm a lot older than you. When I was 22 I had a career. I had a child, my husband left me, the career? I lost it, went through the mill, homelessness, and felt I'd lost all. I was judged and judged myself as a scrounger and a failure because I was just a benefits single mother.

I would never return to the career and through my eldests childhood , I felt that my life was stagnant but for being there to watch and help her grow. At 39 I retrained, and at 41 started a new completely unrelated career. I'm now successful again. And whilst I didn't feel it at the time, I realise now, that I have always been successful. My daughter has been raised, she has been raised well, and I did what was needed. Just like you are now. You are succeeding at life, and you are being exactly who your child needs you to be.

Please don't beat yourself up and judge yourself. You are doing brilliantly and should be proud. Nothing is over. Right now, you have to do what you are doing- and you are doing it well! Who knows what is to come?

x2boys · 06/01/2019 18:53

Yes why is your daughter only in school part time?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 06/01/2019 18:54

Flowers honestly OP you sound like you are doing a great job and should be so proud of yourself, it takes a truly selfless person to come as far as you have. I dont have much advice other than see if there are any social groups near you for parents in similar situations? It sounds like you could really use more social connection, its the thing that keeps you going more often than not.
Keep your eyes out for work you can do flexibly from home, it doesnt come alongvery often but if it does then its something to jump on.
Have you ever considered writing? I know it might seem a bit whimsical but it could be a good outlet for you and you can do it anywhere.

x2boys · 06/01/2019 18:55

Sorry cross post , the lea should really be doing everything they can for your daughter to have a full time education.

CheekyNandosForMe · 06/01/2019 18:55

That's awful. I'm so sorry, It's one thing having this happen after you've lived a bit but you've barely gotten past your teens and been saddled with more than most of us will ever understand.

My kids are sen, being assessed and it looks like adhd, asd, dyspraxia and dyslexia type issues. Which has been hard, but what you're going through is my worst nightmare.

I felt that was me, now. I'm disabled and have mostly raised the kids on my own. I've only recently moved back nearer my parents as they're both retired now. The relationship isn't great but it's already helping. Before then, the isolation was chronic. Deafening silence in the 'living' dept.

Living in a smaller community can help a lot more. But before you look at house swaps etc, really look into the kinds of health care and policies on whatever therapy your kid needs, for that area. It's only since we've moved that my kids are being picked up for their issues which I had given up telling their previous schools and GPs about.

You don't want to move somewhere and be stiffed for support or therapy.

Have a Google (or ask at whatever clinic you may be attending) for any social groups for your little one, as you may be able to meet some other parents through that. Which means you may eventually be able to babysit for each other sometimes.

I think knowing more people with an understanding of whatever your kid has, would be beneficial.

I hope things improve.

Allthewaves · 06/01/2019 18:56

Do you have a disability social worker?

Banana1979 · 06/01/2019 19:00

There are services that can provide respite. Look into them via your GP
Hope karma gets her dad for leaving you in this position

Lifecanbeabeach2 · 06/01/2019 19:03

We have a disability key worker but trust me for some reason we always fell under the net
( I do not mean this in a offensive way to anyone who has children with educational disabilities )
Daughter despite everything fits in with peers incredibly well. She in a room full of kids, you wouldn’t know anything ( google medicinema Vue advert )
We have had to fight for support because they seem to focus more on the educational side of things.
Our last keyworker never even met my daughter ! We recently have a new one who seems a little more pro active so hopefully that will make a difference. Only at 5 years old have we just been accepted for a personal budget, after waiting for 2 years for our old key worker to take it to panel !

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread