Combined household?

[Whoishe]

My small family and my parents are currently in discussions to combine funds and get a large house in the countryside and I’m so torn about the right thing to do.

Currently 3 of us live in a tiny terrace house in a not so nice area. No prospects of moving into a larger house. Parents live in a large townhouse, totally unsuitable as they get older.

We are looking at larger houses in a village nearby, which would allow us to have our own living spaces, but have a combined kitchen/family room.

As combined families we’d save a considerable amount of money on bills. It allows for better childcare to enable myself to work more hours. In future it’d be a given that I’d help to look after my parents as they get older. It’d also be my ‘forever’ home.

Has anyone ever done this and it worked? I’m worried about losing my own space, but can see huge benefits for my family. Better surroundings, better schools, better quality of living.

Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated

I would be worried about the commitment to help your parents as they age
the work and the stress involved would probably massively out weigh the work that they put in to help with their grandchildren
you would be very painfully sandwiched between the needs of your adult children and the increasingly burdensome needs of frail elderly parents
but who knows really?

My mother and step-father live in flat next to our garages and two of my daughters and their families live in houses on our property (though we have acreage so not right on our doorstep) but they don't pay for anything in terms of bills, fees, etc. DH just pays for it all.

My concern would be what happens if somebody can't work or, God forbid, dies. How would you be able to pay for it in those circumstances? Would you have to move?

What if one of your parents (or both) need to end up in residential care? Would you be willing to sell your home to finance it?

Do you have a partner OP or is it you and 2 DC?
As the house is in the countryside, would it be suitable for your parents if they could no longer drive? Or would they be better off somewhere near amenities and/or a good bus route?

We’ve just done this BUT no shared kitchen. The utility room will be a proper second kitchen. Shared part of the garden but own private ones too
We’ve paid what we’d have paid for a
2 bed bungalow each and bought a beautiful house in the country
We’ll be very close neighbours and share a utility area in the garage with access to
Each other’s houses ONLY possible
Via the garage

Close friends of ours have done this with the elderly parents of the woman.

They did extra work on the Property, which has a separate annex so both living spaces had good kitchen facilities as well as the bathrooms that were already there& a big garden so the parents could have their own outside space too. 5 years later, It's worked really well all round, but I think keeping the living arrangements separate, whilst mostly still sharing meals, has helped that along.

Sadly our friend died last year, leaving her parents living with her DS & their SIL, this set up has now turned out to be an absolute godsend to them all, but they've all always had a very strong relationship with their in-laws

Thank you for all the replies. Just one dc and a dh. We all get on very well with my parents and spend the majority of our time/holidays with them.

I’m actually a nurse, so putting parents into residential care would be an absolute ‘no go’ from my point of view. Unless of course my health wasn’t good for any reason. Even with selling up, a smaller house would be fine in future.

The thing I’m most worried about is how our roles would change. I’m currently mum of the house, and maybe living with my own mum could affect this and I’d start feeling like I’m the child again? I doubt it’d happen, but it’s so hard to know how the dynamics might change.

Sorry to hear about your friend @rockinhippy

I think it sounds like an excellent idea and one that many more families might consider. We used to live in housing with several generations. There's a lot of positives about it.
I think your own living space (bedrooms plus a living room/den/whatever will be vital) and sharing a kitchen practical (did I read something somewhere about 2 kitchens affecting council tax???)
You'll need to have lots of conversations about how this will work. Maybe have some guide for everyone to follow? Communication and openness will be vital.

"Combined kitchen and family room". I think this is the main mistake in your thinking. Keep your familes slightly more separate then you can both get the benefits without living in each others pockets and blurring those boundaries that you are worried about.

You would also have to ensure that your DH is 100% up for this.