To consider leaving my partner?

[notsurewhat2doooo]

Posting here rather than in relationships for traffic and brutally honest opinions so don't hold back.

Background - DP and I have been together for about 15years. We've never married (neither of us us really fussed about the idea of marriage). We have 1 dc - 4 and live in a lovely house in a lovely village.

We're quite different people - I'm an animal lover, I'm always on the go, a bit of a control freak - not in a horrendous way but just in a "there's no time like the present" way. I'll also admit that I'm a tad highly strung and not an overly affectionate or emotional person.

DP is like a teenager - always tired, procrastinates constantly, thinks he's hard done by if you ask him to do the slightest thing and spends a lot of his time huffing and puffing and slamming doors. His negative energy just saps the life out of me.

I find that I enjoy days out with just DC and me rather than with the 3 of us as he always has a grump about something.

Over the years it has just worn me away and to be honest, I find myself avoiding his company - I don't event enjoy sitting and watching TV with him.

For years, even before DC was born, I'd considered splitting up but I could never convince myself to take that step - it just feels so huge and while I'd say I'm often unhappy and go to sleep with a clenched jaw, I'm not totaly miserable and there are some good times.

Sex life is ok - I have no real sex drive - haven't had for years possibly due to some of the issues listed above. It's hard to be attracted to someone who spends most of their time sat in front of the tv eating take away food in their joggies. We do still dtd a couple of times a week but he always instigates - I have no interest and I hate when he kisses me - or even hugs me really.

In more recent years (say past 2 years), I've more often found myself thinking about what life would be like if we split up. I have a budget spreadsheet which calculates how much money I'd need to buy a place for just me and dc, a monthly spend calculator etc and I regularly look on rightmove for a house for me and d - the thought of it makes me feel so happy. I don't dream of meeting anyone else, just of me and DC (and the dog!) having a lovely life together with no negativity.

I'm just not sure if/how to take that step. He's a great dad so it would be hard on DP if we split. Financially life is pretty easy for us (fortunately I am the breadwinner by a fair margin so wouldn't be too disadvantaged financially if we split), we live in such a nice house that I'd not be able to afford on my own although hopefully I could buy a smaller, older house in the same village.

It's just trying to balance out years of mild unhappiness and irritation vs. a shorter period of stress and upheaval while we sold house, moved and got into a new routine - the known vs. the unknown. The prospect is quite daunting - I know it would be hard but how hard? I'd want equal access to DC which I guess means for half of the week it would be easy and the other half difficult juggling work, DC, dog etc on my own.

Am I nitpicking?? Or is this really a valid enough reason to go? The very thought of starting the conversation makes me feel sick - DP will be upset (I've given him some ultimatums in the past to shape up a bit - he gets upset, improves for a bit i.e. does more around the house % of it and then falls back into his old behaviour ). DC will be heartbroken - it will be really, really horrible for a while and there is the stigma of having failed. What about legally? We're not married but would I still need a lawyer? What if we can't sell our house and have to still live together in this horrible situation? Of if I can't find somewhere nice to move to with DC?

One thing that keeps niggling at me through is something DP's sister told me - their dad left their mum years ago. Apparently when they were still together their dad was miserable - always grumpy and slamming doors etc just like DP but now that they've seperated he's a much happier person - I wonder if this could be a similar situation and DP might not even realise that he's also unhappy?

Any help or advice welcome!!

Hmmm I guess only you know if it’s bad enough to leave, but it’s a really crap time to try and sell a house and buy another one with Brexit looming. The market has stagnated and so yes you could be stuck for a while in a horrible situation if you did tell him that’s what you want.

It does sound like you’re quite incompatible to me though.

If you're happy then of course YANBU. It sounds like you've outgrown him.

No advice but "Hello you're not alone." I'm saving saving saving to leave an unhappy relationship not to dissimilar to your own. Grab happiness as soon as you can. I'm guessing your younger than me and your circumstance less complicated. If I could have left earlier I would have.

*should say if you're UNhappy

I think you should find the house you want and keep saving until then! This can't be an easy decision but it doesn't seem like you've just decided this over night!

while I'd say I'm often unhappy and go to sleep with a clenched jaw, I'm not totaly miserable and there are some good times.

This sets the bar pretty damn low. Why don't you want better for yourself or your child?

Honestly, picturing yourself in ten years, is this how you want to still be living?

It's hard to tell from your post but there are a few things that set off little warning bells for me. I'm not convinced what you describe from him is unhappiness as opposed to lack of respect for you.

Treating someone badly, making the whole household navigate around his "moods", making it an uncomfortable, hostile environment, and promising to change followed by making a swiftly abandoned token effort... Sounds more like emotional abuse/coercive control.

How is he a "great dad" if he's filling the house with negativity, anger, and door slamming (which when you're 4 is frightening)? As well as disrespecting and mistreating his child's mother?

I think you just want our approval to do what you've already decided.

Short term adjustment followed by much better life longer term, or increasingly miserable life indefinitely? Is that really a hard choice?

Thanks all

Hoovering - I think my worry about selling is probably unfounded - where we live houses sell like hot cakes - ours would probably sell within a few weeks based on neighbouring houses.

Heavenly - so sorry to hear you are in the same boat. I've probably got just about enough saved now to make a fresh start but would like to have more to save me having to get a 95% mortgage.

I sometimes hope that DP will do something that really crosses the line to make the decision easier :(

Woodwaj - I've already seen houses that would suit - lots of similar house types in our village and they sell fast - just need to save more pennies to be able to put in a good offer.

Anouk - I think when it's all you know, it's harder to put into context. We've been together since my early 20's - he's my second partner - the first being my childhood boyfriend who I was with til I was 18.

Makes it hard to gague if it's bad or if this is normal and I'm just daydreaming - grass is always greener and all that...

I wonder if this could be a similar situation and DP might not even realise that he's also unhappy?

More likely that he grew up believing this was an acceptable way to treat women, having seen his parents model it.

Which is the lesson you'll pass on to your DC if you stay.

Fair enough. If you'd like that perspective before you make a decision, the Freedom Programme teaches what healthy, non-abusive relationships look like and how an imperfect but otherwise decent human being should treat you in a relationship.

Your DP wouldn't feature. This isn't a daydreaming situation, or you having unrealistic expectations, or "grass is always greener" situation.

The grass is genuinely greener, lusher, and growing enthusiastically away from the soul crushing set up you're living in.

The way you're living, and what you're putting up with, isn't normal. It's not how everybody else is living.

They won't tell you what to do, they'll just give you information if you're prepared to listen: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Oh OP. Reading this made me very sad for you. It sounds like you've been just existing and going with the flow for a long time and not actually been happy. Of course none of us can really know what is right for you, but if you're already making up spreadsheets and daydreaming about your life apart from your DP, it seems the relationship has run it's course.

There's this really powerful agony aunt column I read once about how women tend to find it harder to leave relationships than men because women tend to think that if something is acceptable then it's unreasonable to want to rock the boat. The agony aunt disagreed and said that even feeling like you want to leave is a good enough reason. I really recommend you read it and see if it resonates with you.

therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

Picture yourself in ten years: will you be happy, smiling in the same situation? If not, do something about it and make a decision, stop procrastinating. Do this for your child, if not for yourself. There's no shame in saying you made a mistake and he's not the man you wanted/expected. The one for you is probably out there, but tbh, getting out and keeping sane is more important right now.

Have you actually tried communicating to him how you're feeling? Have you tried counselling? Maybe he would step up if he knew you were having these thoughts?
No one has a perfect relationship and after a long time together a lot of people get stuck in a rut and start taking each other for granted. How is he abusive for being negative and slamming a few doors? He probably isn't happy as I doubt he is blissfully unaware of how the OP is feeling. It's all too easy to give up and walk away but would it be so hard to get some help as a couple for the sake or your child?

Bibbity - thank you for that. That column really struck a chord - it's not made me feel euphoric - just a little bit sad that this is it. I don't think I will find anyone who loves me like he does - I am not easy to love and I recognise I'm most likely signing up of a life alone (with dc our course) but as a single parent. I think I'm ok with that but I'm not sure if it will really be ok if that makes sense?