AIBU to not want overbearing MIL

[keylovesAva]

Hi all

I have a 2.4 DD and a 6 week old DD2 naturally it is hard day to day. However the last 6 weeks my husband and I have been managing with the two well as he's been on paternity leave. There are times that i have found it difficult in terms of juggling the two having a toddler who requires a lot of attention, she is well mannered and overall good but she's still his high-energy and sometimes I just feel exhausted. Having a newborn is another level completely with a toddler.

Just some context, my mother-in-law used to look after my 2-year-old when I was at work for about a year for 3 days a week. I would say about 50% of the time I struggled with it a great deal as my MIL is very overbearing and does not listen when I give instructions in regards to DD1..she would do her own thing. This created a lot of tension and difficult conversation between my husband and I who often would go in her favour because obviously she's his mum and he always thinks that she has the children's best interests at heart. He also talked about her experience as professional nanny and seeing me as a first time mum- I may not know much.

I found it a very draining and now my husband will be returning back to work soon and he is asked me what kind of help I need and has said that MIL can come in during the day. I know I shouldn't but I internally cringe because I just don't want any more drama I don't want to not be listening to I don't want to be rude and I don't want her doing things around the house I don't appreciate or need.
She uses our house as s storage facility for her old tat. I've said repeatedly that we don't have much space for extra things lying around and the clutter makes me annoyed but she still brings it anyway saying we have more space than her. We have been implementing discipline for the toddler but she goes against that and tries to dismiss our efforts when are toddler is acting up.

I've explained this to my husband and he says sometimes you have to take the good with the bad and if she's offering help just grin and bear it - but I find an affair. This is my home and a lot of the time I kind of just sit up stairs waiting for the time to go when she eventually leaves which sounds horrible but it's just so overwhelming and annoying.

I am in a position where I have a DD1 and a DD2 and a few hours out of the day would probably be helpful but what do I do?? accept the help, grin and bear it.

It does help that my two year old goes to nursery 2 days a week so it's really just those 3 days.

Just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar or has any advice.

Thanks x

Could you arrange that your mil takes your DD out to a regular activity like a toddler group so that you get the help but essentially don’t have to have her around your house causing you stress.
You could put it across as you’d be really grateful at her making sure your DD gets out and has the stimulation outside the home

If you dont work yourself then I do not see why you would need her help the regularly at all?? Maybe 1 day a month or something if you want to spend some time with your husband. Or an hour here and there if Mil wants to see the children... but that regularly is very strange. You do not need that amount of help and actually it would be a hinderance to most people!

I have a toddler who's at nursery 2 days and I have a 6 month old. Granted my toddler is 3 so it's a bit easier... but we manage just fine and my husband works 12 hr days! It would be nice to have someone to watch the kids every now and then but the level of 'help' you are describing from your Mil I would find incredibly invasive and demoralizing, not helpful at all!
When you have two you need to get into your own rhythm and develop your own confidence and tactics with dealing with them. It sounds like your confidence is low and it's no wonder.

I'd make very clear boundaries here if I were you and I'd say that you are grateful for the offer but you dont really need that much help. Say she can come and see the children a couple of times a week, if she arranges it with you and its convenient... but that you do not need regular 'help'. I'd nip this in the bud now before she really undermines your confidence and parenting strategies.

Nursery or childminder. You dont need the stress from MIL.
Even if the childminder has the toddler for only a few hours on those 3 days itll help loads. It shouldnt cost a lot

Does he not think that as the children's mother you have their best interests at heart?
A nanny can look after 'a' child. A parent looks after their child, the way they choose.
You need to speak to DH and get him to bring her tat to her place as you now have a new baby in the house.

As a pp says ask her to take the toddler out, she might like some activities.
It seems like help from your MIL comes with strings attached so the pair of you need to reach an agreement on what you're prepared to accept. You are the one on maternity leave, so will be at home, it's your home so don't feel awkward in it. Don't internally cringe, outwardly be firm. If not for yourself be a role model for your children of how not to be a doormat.
💐

I have 4 children and it is busy - my DM offered to help but I politely declined as we clash when we spend any time together - and when she helps you find out later that you ‘owe her’ in some way. I would prefer to deal with the stress of 4 children myself than involve her in it.

Could you decline her help - would your DH understand - would she be offended?

I'd just say you don't need her. I have mine alone, you need to plan activities and probably invest in a good wrap / sling / carrier for baby. 😊

Say you are fine and don't need help. Most people manage without weekly help it just takes a bit of organizing. You'll do fine.

Thanks for all of the advice. I really appreciate it and I am going to be firm. My confidence has definitely taken a knock

@Ribbonsonabox you are right I definitely need to find my own rhythm and see how I get on.

I do think he being in the house will be massively evasive and if I've managed to settle both DD1 and 2 I can lie down and not have to engage too much in anything else.

@PlumpkinStew thanks, definitely got the sling thing down!

Just figuring out how we'll do playgroups on the odd occasion as that's what DD1 is use to. I may just cut them down to once a week since she has full on nursery on Thursday and Friday's.

Thanks everyone .. you are all brilliant.

( Also apologies my spelling/grammar was atrocious in my OP, clearly half asleep)

So it was okay for your MIL to look after your DD when it suited you?

They’ll have built a relationship in that time. It’s not fair to take that away from either of them.

Not sure what you’re disciplining your 2 year old for, but be careful. A new baby turns children’s worlds upside down and your daughter won’t be able to verbalise her feelings. If she acts out anything that involves her feeling punished or ashamed is likely to impact deeply. Include her rather than exclude her.

My two DC are the same age gap as you two but 6 months older, and I too have an overbearing MIL.
I politely declined any 'help' and just get on with it on my own while DH is at work (often away for 2 weeks at a time). We go to a playgroup every morning and then have a nap /walk the dog in the afternoon.

Keep it simple, keep it manageable and do it yourself. You'll find your rhythm and it will get easier - I say all this and my toddler doesn't go to nursery at all!

@PoutySprout hi, to be clear my DH employed his mother to look after our DD1 she earned a very good salary against my better judgement and we had no formal discussion on how we wanted it to go I just kinda went with it and hoped for the best. I have no issues with her visiting and spending time with her grandchildren I just would like these initial weeks to find my feet. They have a solid relationship and I would never remove that.
The weekend is a free for all for visits etc

In terms of discipline I was talking about aggression and throwing which she has been doing before the baby arrived. DD1 is heavily included in everything and is constantly interacting with the baby now after a week or two of unease

I found your post tone aggressive and negative but it could be because I'm working off 3 hours sleep with a newborn.

But thanks anyway

You just need to find your routine once DH goes back to work. It's a new routine for all of you, but won't take long to settle into.

@Didntwanttochangemyname amazing thank you. How did you manage the younger sibling at playgroup ? Sling? My toddler can get clingy when I take her to playgroup so want to be able to manage both ideally .

Do you really need the help? If you would struggle otherwise then I think you might just have to grin and bear it but I have the same age gap as you and found having people around the house at that time to be more of a hindrance than a help tbh.

I would take the little one in the sling, and then have my toddler (also a very clingy one!) on my knee. I certainly didn't look glamorous with the both of them balanced on me, but my toddler is quite a gentle soul, so he would sit to one side on my knee and I'd turn my body a little to the other side so the sling wasn't squished. I'd then sing, clap, bounce, shake the tambourine etc. as required by the stern looking playgroup lady!

I think one major breakthrough for me was learning to slow down. Changing both of their nappies is now a ten minute affair rather than rushing and trying to get it done quickly. I've surrendered to just getting through each day, and it's made life feel much more enjoyable.

You have got this, you just don't know it yet.