To be worried about my daughter

[Worried72]

My dd 23 was overweight at 5'4 and 12 stone. She decided she wanted to lose weight about four months ago which I supported. She's now told me that she now weighs only 7 and a half stone. I'm concerned that she's not weight so quickly and about how obsessed she is with what she eats. I know she's an adult but she's still only young and still my daughter. I would like her to go to the doctor but unfortunately she doesn't want to go which I respect as she's an adult but I'm so worried about her health.

YANBU. I have myself had an eating disorder before. I was 16 and still at college. Even though it was painfully obvious I was too skinny literally no body ever asked me 'are you ok' or said 'you are too skinny I am worried about you'. My parents praised me for 'not being fat anymore'. My boyfriend dumped me without much explanation (I still don't know why).

I wonder how different things would have been of someone reached out.

There must be a charity or two out there which could offer guidance to families on how to talk to a loved one with an eating problem? Xx

5 Stone in just 4 months is a huge amount of weight to lose. I'd be worried about how she's done this. It doesn't sound healthy at all.

She's told me she's only been eating one meal a day so I think by telling me this she's admitting there is a problem? I'm not sure as I've never had any personal experience of an eating disorder.

Sounds worrying and also like an eating disorder from having had one myself. If you can get her to have CBT counselling that's what she needs though it will be extremely difficult to get her to admit to her problem which she may be in denial of.

I did this myself when I was 14. 1 meal a day and lost half my bodyweight in six months. I weighed about 5 stones probably or less at the end (wouldn't let anyone weigh me). I was anorexic and it took about two years to get over the mental load of that. I would suggest that you do something but it will be very hard as, based on my own experience, people with eating disorders are very sensitive and secretive. A softly, softly approach perhaps. Maybe take a photo to show how slim she is now (that is what helped me as the mirror lied to me somehow), then again this was the days long before camera phones so may not be the same.

At least she has told you. Although you must have noticed such a drastic weight loss in such a short time? Talk to her about healthy eating, and maybe go food shopping together. Buy good, wholesome food that won't pile the weight on, but will ensure she stays healthy. Is she happy now she's slender?

The thing is, if she does have an eating disorder, the more you talk to her about it, the more she'll restrict. Talking about healthy eating isn't likely to do her any favours either.

Sadly, unless she WANTS treatment, you're not likely to be successful and you unfortunately could make it worse.

Soft approach initially I would suggest. Maybe Try asking to her about what changes she plans to make to her diet to maintain her weight, now she doesn’t need to lose any more? And perhaps try to slip into the conversation that as her BMI is now 17.9 she is slightly underweight now. I’m wouldn’t think that is dangerously low, by the way, but I certainly agree you wouldn’t want her to lose any more.

Have a look at this website www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

The problem is you can tell her how bad this is for her health but a lot of 23 year olds see themselves as invincible & that being skinny is more important than anything - including health. Does she want children one day? Could telling her that losing more weight could make her infertile make a difference? Or her hair fall out? I know they may not sound like the most important things right now but to a 23 year old maybe they are. I did the OMAD (one meal a day diet) after having a baby & lost 2 stone in around the same time your daughter has lost 4. I would be questioning whether she’s eating anything at all some days? Sorry OP, must be stressful. Hope your daughter figures it out!

if you want to explain how low you think that weight is tell her she weighs less than a 8 y old hes 118pounds and is 5 ft

ive no experience with problems like this as we are all hearty eaters but it might be a shock to her and might help her see how low she is

I would recommend a soft approach as well, nothing too intrusive. I was anorexic for about a decade since I was 16, and whenever my parents brought it up I would just become more private and secretive thinking that they were a) jealous (sounds ridiculous but it is a mental illness), and b) trying to take away my precious "thing" (which they were because it was dangerous). Eventually we stopped talking about it and I was left alone which is what I wanted, but I did get quite sick before I was ready to get help. Maybe if I had seen someone about it sooner I wouldn't have got as sick as I did? It's difficult really, as if she isn't ready to confront the issue then there isn't much anyone can do about it. Maybe mention it casually and see how it goes.

Sending good vibes to you OP. I hope your daughter finds balance with food and her body. I spent many lonely years obsessing over food and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Thank you everyone for your replies and for sharing your experiences. At present her physical health is fine which is good but can imagine if she loss more weight. This wouldn't be the case.she is still having regular periods and her hair is in good condition. I'm going to try talking to her about a visit to the gp again today.