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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the most shallow puddle on the pavement?

18 replies

UnreasonableByNature · 05/01/2019 15:36

NC for "harious" reasons...

DP is considerably younger than me for which I am very lucky (as he makes me feel like a ripe old grape rather than a dried up old fruit).

He has a beard and quite long hair. Or rather - he HAD a beard. A wonderful, full, dark, luscious beard. He's had various forms of facial hair over the past four years we've known each other, and on the couple of times he's shaved it all off, I must admit I've been a little 'surprised'.

It is very straightforward for me: sporting a beard and extra sideburns, he looks older. And sexier. Blush

He's just gone right down to a goatee. His head hair is now longer than his facial hair. And suddenly I feel like I'm dating a teenager.

AIBU to tell him (I have mentioned it before - that I feel the age difference of 15 years is highlighted when he goes clean shaven) that I can't cope with a more closely shorn man? And that he needs a hair cut? Am I completely shallow?

I'm prepared to be flamed - I totally understand it is his choice to have his hair and facial hair exactly how he chooses. But I'm struggling with the goatee. It just doesn't suit him. Please wise mumsnetters help me get through the next four weeks.

OP posts:
joanmcc · 05/01/2019 15:38

It's simple, will you maintain and change your appearance to his whims? Lots of couples will for each other, and that works. Lots of couples won't, and that works. Where one wants it but won't return the favour is where the unreasonableness and troubles begin.

FreshlyWashed · 05/01/2019 15:46

If you are going to discuss it with him (entirely your call), I'd suggest emphasising the positives - how much you love him with a full face - rather than any negatives. Good luck

Pfingstrose · 05/01/2019 15:56

How long ago did he have it done? Removing a full beard is quite a big change in appearance regardless of the age gap thing; perhaps you just need a bit of time to get used to it?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/01/2019 15:58

AIBU to tell him (I have mentioned it before - that I feel the age difference of 15 years is highlighted when he goes clean shaven) that I can't cope with a more closely shorn man? And that he needs a hair cut? Am I completely shallow?

I don't think you need to tell him. He knows, you've told him before. So really you're not telling him that you prefer him like that, you're instructing him to keep his beard and cut his hair... and I'm not sure that necessarily makes you shallow but it does seem pretty unhealthy and perhaps controlling.

I prefer DP with his facial hair, he prefers me with long hair - for the most part, we both stick to that because we know the other person prefers it. But I can still cut my hair and he still shaves sometimes. I'd be highly uncomfortable if he wouldn't let me cut my hair. It's still my decision and I'd be a bit concerned that if he didn't find me attractive without my hair, out relationship would be a bit... shallow? Not as good as I thought it was, at least.

Vitalogy · 05/01/2019 16:08

Tell him you find long hair and full beard very very sexy. I know I do I'm sure the beard length will start increasing again soon. Smile

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2019 16:11

Why should he try to look older, just because there's a 15 year age gap?

JacintaJones · 05/01/2019 16:18

OP I sympathise, there being almost eight yeats between DP and I.
You wouldn't notice this unless he is recently clean shaven and generalltmy he keeps some degree of facial hair.

I think you need to frame this in reference to your own insecurity. If he is sensitive he will appreciate your candour and make his own decision re facial hair.

You need to let him know how you feel but ultimately its his face.

JacintaJones · 05/01/2019 16:18

Bloody hell sorry for the typos. I do hate these touch screens!

MitziK · 05/01/2019 16:30

YANBU in that you can't help what 'pushes your buttons', but YWBU if you put it like that to him.

My OH is balding and when he feels he needs a clean up, he looks more like Elmer Fudd in Baby Loony Toons than a mature bloke perfectly at home on the Moors or down at the harbour. Especially when he wears skinny jeans, Converse and a cap I HATE, rather than straight cut jeans, boots and a beanie as well because he looks like a teenage boy from a distance. I definitely prefer him to look more 'craggy' and at least if he has a beard there's some hair to run my fingers through when kissing him but it grows back, as it is his normal state.

Either way, it's nothing to do with him looking younger than me or what others might think. All you can do is be appreciative of how he is now (and say how sexy he looks with his beard) whilst waiting for the novelty of looking after a goatee wears off and praying he doesn't suddenly decide to go completely cleanshaven and cut his hair so he looks about 14.

I sympathise, but you can't do anything about it.

Original poster
UnreasonableByNature · 05/01/2019 17:05

Thanks all for your replies - I appreciate your candour (and wit!)

Please don't think I'm going to try to "force" or "control" the way he looks - it makes me sad that I've come across like that in my OP. I've been controlled in this way (with my choice of clothes (I wasn't allowed to wear formal attire so got rid of all my suits), with my hair (I wasn't allowed to use straighteners and without, my hair resembles that of Hagrid from Harry Potter) and I wasn't allowed to wear make up (I was likened to a circus clown even with the most basic of basics on my face) - I could go on) in the past, and I'm not looking to give him an ultimatum. I'm just asking for a little support in the interim period!

I think in all honesty it's just the shock of The Lovely Beard and Sideburns having disappeared literally overnight, and without the chance to fondle it before it was replaced by The Goatee.

Thank you though - I appreciate your input and I shall refrain from commenting again (until of course The Lovely Beard and Sideburns return at which time I shall fondle it all once more with aplomb).

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2019 17:15

Why are you 'lucky' to have a younger dh?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2019 17:15

Ah, my apologies, you explained it immediately after.
As you were.

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2019 17:17

I'm confused now.

What interim period?

Has he decided to grow it back again?

Original poster
UnreasonableByNature · 05/01/2019 18:21

@WorraLiberty - I haven't dared ask. I'm just hopeful it will once more make an appearance, over the coming weeks /months.

OP posts:
AnastasiaaBeaverhousen · 05/01/2019 18:23

Goatees are the worst. I could never find a man who has one attractive. David Brent comes to mind. So for that alone YANBU.

DonDrapersOldFashioned · 05/01/2019 18:26

Goatees are the pits. They look like designer pubic hair topiary YANBU to object to that.

sizzledrizz · 05/01/2019 18:47

YANBU in your objection to the beard. Totally with you on the hatred for the goatee. But why do you feel that it highlights your age gap? Maybe what you should do is work on your own self esteem a little

Stompythedinosaur · 05/01/2019 19:05

I think you should try to get over it tbh. He shouldn't have to change his hairstyle and facial hair based on your preferences rather than his own.

Maybe put your effort into having a think about why the age difference bothers you - there's nothing wrong with it.

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