What to do about my mums affair?

[TheNotSoGreatLoveAffair]

Lots of background here, I'll try and keep it short but I need some advice!

When I was about 9 my mum had an affair, dad found out she promised it was over. She then started going away to visit friends we'd never heard of for weekends and then sometimes in the week. I knew what was happening and it crushed me and one day I came home and she was gone. We didn't hear from her for a while and then she tried to rebuild relationships with me and my sister slowly. She then invited me round one day, which I found hard enough to go and visit my mum in her very own house without my dad (who is my world / best friend) and she bombarded me with her boyfriend, the man she left us for, being there.

Things continued and I tried my best for the sake of seeing my mum to just suck it up but I couldn't. I've always been quite emotional and this was just too much for me. I saw my mum maybe once a week when he wasn't around from then on but it was always when it suited her and him. It effected me hugely.
My school work suffered terribly, I bunked off a lot in secondary school and would just cry. I was only a child and I was absolutely crushed. I don't think I ever really got over it.

I got older and met my now DH and we had kids, she loved being a nanny but I still only got to see her once a week (if that) because he was very controlling and wouldn't like her seeing us in case dad was there. Eventually they broke up because she couldn't bare to not see the grandkids.
My dad never got over her, she's the great love of his life and even when she was with him - he would do anything for her - he adores her. For the last 5 years, mum and dad have been slowly rebuilding and are now very much seeing each other, spend all of their spare time together and have my kids together for weekends occasionally and they take them for lovely days out which is great. We have also been going on little holidays with me DH, my sister, the kids and my parents together.

Then Christmas came, mum and dad were coming to us, all organised and excited - she called me Christmas Eve to say she wasn't coming as dad was cross with her. My dad doesn't get cross - I've never seen him shout. Even the day he found out about the affair all those years ago, he just talked to her.
Turns out he found out she had been seeing the same man again for a few months.

I don't know what to do - I'm an adult now with my own children so I can't run and hide like I used to. I can't sit and cry in bed for hours feeling abandoned and sad like before - but I feel exactly as I did as that little girl all those years ago.
Anyone else - but not him. Why didn't she learn from the first time. Why, if she wasn't wanting to pursue a relationship with my dad anymore, didn't she tell him first before jumping back into bed with someone else again.

Now I don't know what to do, I just don't want to see her. She keeps calling me and I haven't answered which I know isn't the answer but I just don't want to talk to her.

I feel like I'm being extremely childish and regressing to how I acted when I was 9 all over again, but it's just bought everything flooding back from a childhood I look back on with great pain.

I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you and your dad are having to go through all that again. Maybe a text to your mum saying that at this moment you do not wish to speak to her as you need time to process your own thoughts.

I think also some counselling would do you good, let you talk through how you're feeling and deal with it.

I think its reasonable to tell your DM how badly her behaviours have affected you.

I am so sorry you have been through this.

It sounds, very sadly, from what you say you DM has been abused by this controlling dominator of a man and its highly likely he is hoovering her back up,and perhaps it was him that dropped her before and he has a strong hold over her still.

Imagine an alcoholic under the sway of alchohol and all the lies and deceit that brings. It's a good parallel.

Be honest with her and how all this ate you up as a child and brought it all back now and that you cannot understand her behaviour, you don't have to. She has responsibilities to her dgc now!

I would love to go to counselling. My secondary school arranged it for me back then and it really really helped!

I need to speak to her and talk it all through, I need to grow some lady balls and just phone her but I know I'll hold it together on the phone and then just break down after.

One thing I'm adamant about is her not dropping in and out of my children's lives the way she did when I was younger - it's the pits and I won't have them wondering if they're good enough to spend time with or if she just won't be turning up to take them out to the beach or wherever because he's here for a surprise visit

You really need to explain exactly that to her,and also arm your DC for how u reliable ppl can be to help build their resilience to anyone in their lives that behaves unreliably. You didn't have that and I'm sure it will make a huge difference that they have you and that you can all see its all about her, and not about what amazing little people they are and how shesbthe one losing out. It's better that they understand what she's like and you can all go through this experience together.

In as much as she's doing the same thing I think you are worries it will be the same for you as when you were a child yourself, but you are living your own life now, with your own DC. Its different. You are not reliant on her for nurturing and sustenance and attachment as you were as a child.

So, yu can carry on your life and tell her if she starts to let you all down again then making plans will have to stop.

You have some control here now, use it well.

I’m so sorry that it’s (understandably) bringing back you childhood trauma & hurting you all over again.

I’m devastated for your poor Dad! He must be heartbroken.

I think I’d tell her that she’s hurt yo for the last time and to stay away.

She was given love and forgiveness and she’s shat all over it.

Christmas spirite, why do you think the man is an abuser or dominating the op’s mother. There is nothing in the op’s post to suggest that. It’s important the op’s mother takes responsibility for her actions and not blame her boyfriend.

Oh OP .. I didn’t want to read and run! Xx I think you really need to make your feelings perfectly clear with your mum! I mean REALLY clear! Does she actually realise what you have been through over the years? Be strong! Be very strong! You have kids now so she should grow up and be a good grandma... she obviously isn’t a 20 year old and needs to realise she’s hurting a lot of people! What a fucking twat! Your poor dad though... must be devastated as much as you are! Sending (((hugs)))) 😞

you are comeplteyl warrented to have these feeling how could you be putting this on yourself.of course you feel this way hun.shes done wrong here never you.and twice now.its appalling.
but you've still made your own little family.and the trust you have in them is seomthing you need to enfold yourself in rght now.
have yu spoken to your dh.what does he thinkg as obviously he know syou more.could he offer some care and insight?
to me you've got plenty of balls.youve become a loving nd caring mum to your own.youve allowed her back in which took guts.and you've still got a loving kind thinking towards your poor dad.
what do you want to do next.do you need time.a little rerouping and healing.do you need to talk to her.she needs to know how shes hurt you both times.
you should go for that counciling.being in the place where you think it would help puts you as just the riht person to receive it.
im sorry your hurting.and now in a repeated way.it must open it all up again.and that's horrid.big hugs

I think there are two issues here.

First, there are your feelings. I’m sure this situation is bringing up everything you felt when you were a child and she had the affair, especially with the same man. It can just feel awful how these things happen and the pain floods back and suddenly it feels as if you’re 13 or 14 or whatever age again and it hurts just as freshly and you feel like you don’t have anything in your tool kit to help deal with it from all the years you’ve lived in between. Honestly, it feels like complete bollocks. If you can have therapy or counseling, I think that would be really beneficial. I know it can take a long time through the NHS, unfortunately, but getting a referral is the first step. It can go more quickly if private treatment is an option for you. If you need to wait for NHS treatment, maybe try seeking in-person or online support groups in the meantime or read up on adult children of divorce (as this aligns a lot with what you went through emotionally - here is a good primer: ifstudies.org/blog/the-adult-children-of-divorce-find-their-voice ).

Second, there is how to actually deal with your mother. I think it is completely to be determined by you. If you need a brief time of not speaking to her, that makes sense to me. When you’re ready, I think you are 100% on the right track to make it clear that she can’t be allowed to affect your children the way she affected you, so she needs to either be in or out. And when you explain why it has to be that way, for the sake of your children, I think it would be good for you to make it clear to her just how you felt all those years when you never knew if she was in or out, and that you won’t let your children go through the same with her - letting a man be chosen over them.

Now that said, the one thing you mention is how controlling her affair partner is, and that she eventually left because he wouldn’t even let her see her grandchildren. So now she’s started up again with him despite the fact that she loves being a nanny and having a (sounds like) much healthier relationship back with your father? Sounds a bit like she may be someone struggling with an abusive relationship. I want to be 100% clear that does NOT excuse the affair, nor does it excuse her deserting you as a child, or possibly her grandchildren now. It just might mean she would have to do something like the Freedom Programme before she’d be able to break the power her affair partner seems to have on her, in order to stand a chance of having a lasting, healthy relationship with anyone in the future. If you want to talk to her about your concern for her being in a controlling relationship, there are boards here that can give you great advice and resources. If, on the other hand, the pain of her having an affair again with the same man is just too much and too fresh and you need to solely focus on yourself, your children, and caring for your father, that would be completely understandable.

This is a situation where there is no right or wrong answer. You just do what you need to do. You’ve been through a lot due to this affair, both as a child and again now, so try to be kind to yourself about it and give yourself time.

Sorry to hear this OP.
May I ask how old your parents are?
Sometimes when folks' DC's get their own lives it feels like there's nothing left. Apart from try to start again to feel loved again.
I hope your dps make it.