To think my marriage is over ?

[attheendofmytether1234]

After a rocky couple of years things came to a head New Year's Day and I haven't felt right since - we have a child awaiting diagnosis for asd and my husbands not coping well, especially when our little one has a public meltdown , I've tried to help him understand but he's angry -I get it , it hurts but you have to keep your shit together and support each other / support our child that is struggling.

I love him but I love my children more and don't want them growing up with parents that don't get along. He's said things he shouldn't have in front of my 5 year old and has spoken to me appallingly this last few weeks, he's at work normally all day so I know Xmas can be a stressful time for some families with them home for 2 weeks-I've told him I think he should go and speak to someone get some help / advise and he should do some of the reading and research into autism that I have but he's not. I'm already stressed out with the challenges of having a non verbal and extremely likely autistic child and have waited nearly 2 years for them to be seen by professionals..
I've laid it on the line tonight that he has to make a decision whether he's going to be a team with me to give our child the best of each other we can or if he can't see things improving with his attitude and we split. I'd rather do it on my own than with someone that makes things harder. He couldn't answer just agreed that he's been out of order and says he doesn't know what to do and understands completely why I feel this way. This answers my question to him in itself doesn't it? I'm responsible for literally everything in our lives and it feels a bit like he wants me to be responsible for what happens next
. I feel so sad I haven't got my husband to lean on or take comfort from and don't want to regret not taking action and making a change. The kids would be devastated if we do break up and it's a scary thought going it alone after 15 years. I also can't imagine not having my children 100% of the time (apart from work and nursery/school) but people do it all the time and get on with their lives. I'm so conflicted !!!

Dealing with a child with any sort of disability, often splits up Parents.

He is trying to make you be the one to say split and you'd wonder if he's acting as he is to push you into it.

I think you both need to take a step back, breathe, and see what happens.

It's not the end of the world. OK, your DC is non verbal and possibly/ probably autistic. There was a public speaker with autism, Ros Blackburn, Ros Blackwell, something like that - I would look her up. She was non verbal til she was five or seven, I forget. And I had a friend whose eldest was non verbal autistic but the longer theou spent with him, the more you could understand him in other ways.

I know it's hard. Mine are being assessed for higher functioning asd among other things. I had to accept years ago that my kids would never have a smooth ride and I wouldn't be celebrating huge achievements with them in the same way as others.

It sounds like husband needs some counselling and that both of you could do with couples counseling also.

Thanks and yes I agree he does need some counselling -the ball is finally going to start rolling soon with assessments so we'll hopefully start getting a clearer view of what the problems are and strategies we can use to help. I'll look up that Ros woman thanks. But I still have this nagging feeling I want to turn everything on it's head and piss off to Spain with the kids for a few weeks get some space 😣

I've suggested couples counselling loads of times but he won't entertain it

It sounds like effort is required not a split. Negative warnings don't tend to work on the general population. It would be nice for him to accept that things need to change before you start to fall out of love.
Can you honestly say to your kids in 20 years time you tried your absolute hardest to stay together and make it work as a family?

Oh love you sound like you need a hug

My favourite -I would like to be able to say that to them
And thanks pigeon

Autism has such a draining effect you deserve a medal I am sure, (flowers). However going it alone just gives you different problems not necessarily less problems.

Have you got a local support group to meet other parents?

The only support group is quite far and on a day I work ☹️

I feel like I'm pretty much going it alone anyway tho 🤷‍♀️

But I still have this nagging feeling I want to turn everything on it's head and piss off to Spain with the kids for a few weeks get some space 😣

This could be a good thing actually. Not in the sense of run away but some space apart - for now. Especially if he won't entertain counselling and the one support near you is on the one day you work. He would be forced to face his demons. He may even seek help alone. The problems will be there obviously when you return but whether you stay or go, married or divorced the problems will still need to be addressed anyway. You may benefit for now to get some space and a distraction for the kids whilst you think about the best way forward. Sounds like you need a break and some sun.

I'd say give him a little time. It's daunting and a difficult thing for you both to have to deal with. He may come around and see his senses. I guess in some ways it could be a sort of grief for him that he needs to work through.

I work in a SEN school and most of my students are autistic and non verbal so I understand this is going to be a difficult road for you both, so take all the help you can get.

However, if it doesn't work, many of our parents are single parents and they manage.
I have 3 children of my own and left my h 3 years ago. (my kids were 7,5,3) I have been on my own since and it's been hard but in many ways easier than having such a negative person in my life. My children are all happy and are doing well at school and we've survived. (I know your situation will be a bit different).
I've built up my own home from scratch (well rented but hey!) while he still lives in the old family home by himself !
I left with an old Peugoet 206 with 3 kids in the back. No job, no friends and no money.
I stayed with my mum for a couple of months then got my own place. Got work, got kids into school and I'm better off for it. It's possible!