To not have a clue how to deal with my Mum

[coolwalking]

Hi All,
I'll try to keep it brief. 7 years ago moved abroad (other ends of the earth type country) with DP and soon after DC was born.

My Mum is a difficult woman who has had 2 failed marriages (married men completely wrong, didn't listen to anyone). She lived with her parents all her adult life (unless with husband 1 for 3 years). They provided house, bills etc. She has always worked in low wage/ part time situations despite having free childcare for me all her life.

We have a strained relationship and she doesn't really like my DP (various reasons but mainly a personality clash)

We or me alone have been to see her once a year for the last 3 years and she has come over here a couple of times. Everytime (apart from when I went on my own) there have been arguments as she cannot deal with the fact I have my own family. She called DP selfish because once she asked me for a hot water bottle and my Mum couldn't believe she couldn't get one herself.

She also pleads poverty but she is mortgage free (inheritance money from now deceased GPs) , shops in Waitrose and is always taking mini breaks with her friends.

Now my AIBU

Every day I get message after message saying 'I'm off to work....I find it hard to cope.....Help.....Only 6 years to go (until retire)'

My DC birthday was recently - got a message 'Happy Birthday DC.....have a great day....I am off to work............so tired and so hard for me'

AIBU to expect that she doesn't add her woes onto the end of my DC birthday message?

I don't know how to deal with these messages - it's everyday and it's upsetting me.

All you can do is ignore the messages. She's looking for attention and if you give it to her she'll never stop. She may never stop regardless, but at least you aren't pandering to her.

She sounds pretty awful, can you just not reply to her messages? How would you normally respond to her texts?

I’m just wondering what she expects you to do about her work situation. Do you have siblings/other family living near her? Maybe she’s expecting you to invite her over to live without you in OZ/NZ or wherever.

'Thanks for the info'. Every time.

I'm an only child- dad was never on the scene and I always felt my grandparents were like my parents.

She had family close by and lots of good friends that she's had in her life for years.

On the surface she appears quite normal and lovely. Does lots of church work and enjoys drinks out with her girl pals.

Normally I reply with why we've been up to - busy lives, both parents working, active 7 year old etc, all nice things.

I know I am not responsible but it's annoying being the only person she vents to. She's always done this. I am her emotional crutch and she still wonders why I left. Thank you all

You could try ignoring the negative, it does work. Only focus and give attention to the positive things she says.

example:

Her: I'm off to work....I find it hard to cope.....Help.....Only 6 years to go (until retire)'
You: Great! What plans have you got after retirement?

Her: Happy Birthday DC.....have a great day....I am off to work............so tired and so hard for me'
You: DC had a great birthday, thanks! They did X and had a great time.

Only respond to positive with with positive. If it's all negative then don't respond, or you can change the subject.

Remember you're not responsible for her well being, and it's not fair (or healthy) to expect you to fulfil her emotional needs.

I would just ignore all references to that stuff. Respond to the other parts of the message (if any) if you feel like it, but totally ignore all the woe-is-me-I'm-too-special-to-work bits.

You don't have to reply to every message.

Sounds like you did the right thing in moving far away!

Thanks all, yes I do think she is angling for us to arrange for her to live here. She wouldn't have a clue how to apply and would expect me to do all the work.

When my GP died she couldn't understand why she couldn't access their money and had no idea Council Tax was so expensive (just examples of her having no life skills).

There is an option of her renting our her place and living here temp (people do houseswaps here quite regularly) but again she wouldn't help me organise it. We've talked about this but she always comes back with ....it's too hard.....I don't know how to do it.....what if I don't like it. Honestly it's like having another child.

I feel guilty all the time and it's affecting my health. My DP wonders why I am on edge all the time and I haven't confided in her yet that it's because my mum guilt trips me constantly. Every positive is rounded off with a negative. 'Thank you for coming to visit me....it was such a short time together but I just want you to be happy. You say you're happy living over there and as a mother I can only hope for that'..............ARGH...........

It sounds like you're suffering from FOG, (fear, obligation and guilt) from an emotionally blackmailing mother, OP. They thrive in controlling those around them and make you at fault if they're not happy.

Of course she might not be, you'll know, she might just be immature as she's never had to truly grow up by the sounds of it.

I'd really recommend you talking to your DP about how you're feeling about your DM, I'm sure she'll want to know what you're going through. And she might have some insights, being slightly removed she may have her own ideas about how you're treated.

What Amorea said is the best way to tackle your feelings of guilt. That way you lose the ‘guilt’. You cannot change your mother (only she can do that, and that is not likely to happen) but you can change the effect it has on you.
You say it’s like you have another child, but this one is well grown up, so the tough love approach is perfectly reasonable here.
Respond to the positive, totally ignore the negative.
There are good threads on MN - ‘Stately Homes’ and recommendations for books that is hold be a good start in helping you climb out from under your mother’s pile of shite.

Thank you @Amorea and others. I agree with the advice you have given.

I was with her in November and told her that she made me feel guilty. She said she didn't mean to and would change but it's started up again.

It starts when she sees me happy. We've just been on a lovely happy holiday. I send her nice pictures and I get back pictures of what she is doing. Saying things like yes it's lovely here too. The birthday messages just sent me over the edge! I agree with the PP that it's immaturity rather than nasty ness. It's hard to differentiate sometimes.

Oh God, don't bring her over to live in the same country as you!!!

She can manage just fine where she is. All her friends etc are there too, and the practicalities which she has (finally) learned to deal with.

You have got enough on your plate with work and kids... you would absolutely be making a rod for your own back by bringing her over (plus I bet she wouldn't actually be happy over there either, and you would have her whingeing at you every day from next door instead of from the other side of the world. And expecting you to sort everything out.)

You would not actually be improving her life and you would be making your own much, much worse. She is one of those people who thinks it's her right to live off others (financially, practically and emotionally) and give nothing back. She will leech everything out of you and then ask for more. There is no limit to what she will take, so you have to put a limit on what you will give.